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3 Bumps

Leaving hubby while pregnant...

We are expecting our 1st on Oct 20th. My hub & I have been struggling in our relationship. I own up to my actions & am more reasonable & calm natured (guilty of being hormonal, but I apologize & catch myself), while hub isn't & is not accountable for what he does. He is Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: only I see it, behind closed doors. 2 weeks ago, he lied to our marriage counselor about me 4 times! Hubby has a hard time keeping his hands to himself when he is angry (never has hit me) & he has blocked the doorway when I have tried to leave the house a couple of times (even to go have time alone), put his hands on my face in a shaking motion (not hard), grabbed my head & put it to his, threw his ring at me, throws things across the room, punched the wall, showed up uninvited to "ladies night", follows me around the house, gets jealous of male friends & my dog, yells in my face, says "F you" & "Get out of my house." which he regrets saying 2 seconds later. He does not respect my boundaries & need for time alone (which we never have; we are ALWAYS together.) He thinks it is weird because I am close with my family & does not like me to see them. I have tried hard to have a libido since little one was conceived, but I don't have much of a desire which he KNOWS is normal for a preggo. He has pressured me on & off for a few months to have sex with him which on occasion, we do. I assured him that it will pass, but it wasn't good enough. He accused me of falling out of love with him (wanted to keep fighting though I was tired) & needs constant reassurance. He compares me to his ex who cheated on him, saying things like "she wanted more space for herself like you are wanting, then she ended up cheating on me." He is more of a romantic (gets flowers for me, cards) & I show him love in other ways, but it's all about material things for him. He doesn't feel like I give him anything, yet I supported him through a military deployment (2010: Iraq & Kuwait- he helped build & patrol), married him, am having his child, & love him as I would love the love of my life who I THOUGHT was him. I have become extremely tired of the stress & especially for my poor growing baby. He works hard & just got finished with school & I am very thankful & proud of him. He is great when he is great!

He has had individual counseling & we have had marriage counseling for a month. I've worked through my issues, but I am not seeing a change in hubby. He promised that we would go to Domestic Violence counseling after he got out of school, but last night was the final straw for me. I was in our office & he was in the living room playing a game & I heard my phone ding in the living room. He asked if I wanted it & I told him I'd come get it in a minute. He brings it to me anyway & says "you have a voicemail & text." I was mad that he looked at it, but I didn't say anything except "thanks for bringing the phone to me." He continued to stand there as I read my text & he asked, "Is that your friend Michelle?" & I said no. He asked me who it was & I told him my friend Billy. He asked if we'd been talking a lot lately (fyi: this was the first time I'd heard from Billy in a long time) & I told him that it was none of his business. I would have told him if I knew he was confident in my love for him & secure in our relationship; it would have been no big deal but I know him all to well. He asked what we were talking about. I say nonya business! Just as I expected, he threw out the 'ol "What are you hiding? you're cheating on me!" b/s card. He doesn't understand boundaries. I will NOT give into his insecurities so he can satisfy his trust in me. He yells in my face, puts his head against mine & pushes me back with it, & tells me to get out which he then took back (I left anyway.) My brother is a psychologist & from what I have told him along with my family's observations of him, my brother believes he has Attachment Disorder. Hubby has many signs of it. Bummer of it is, of course, he has to realize himself that something is wrong or let go of his ego to see it, if he does have AD. I am not sure if we are just too different to be together, if hubby doesn't see his issues, or is playing me with manipulation. He has made me question my sanity a few times & I used to be a very together person. What do you all think of hubby's behavior? I am at my mom's house & I am moving 6 hours away from hubby. He doesn't know this yet. I am so scared he will shake/hurt our baby!

I think some of you will think his behavior is completely normal or you will see me as someone who does not take responsibility for myself, but I will tell you: you are wrong. No one should have to live like this! & for the women that are: I hope they see one day that they are beautiful, & there is a strong, confident woman inside of her. Leaving an abuser is the journey of a lifetime with children involved but why stay if the negative outweighs the positive? If it hurts you, it hurts your child.

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:43 AM on May. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • Be strong I see a very strong mom and wonderful woman who is worth it in this post. May good luck and wonderful things follow you throughout the conclusion of this situation and beyond.

    Answer by LadyMitres at 2:51 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • These sound like the first signs of physical abuse to come. I have been there. This is how they first reel you in, get control over your emotions, your whereabouts ect... My ex wouldnt even let me use the restroom alone, ever. I was a young kid, 15 and pregnant with his child. I remember getting off the school bus, super pregnant, and from downt eh street I could hear the phone ringing, he would call until i answered and if it took me too long to waddle home he would freak out that I was cheating (never did). That progressed to punching holes in walls, gettingme a beeper and forcing me to call anytime he beeped me and then the physical abuse. He was ok after our daughter was born but i had to move out of state when she was 6 weeks to live with my aunt and go to school which gave me the strength to leave. The few times he stepped in to try and be a dad, he started up with his controlling ways. Im happy I left.

    Answer by XxPixiesworldxX at 4:27 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • I completely agree with XxpixiesworlsxX. If you have a plan and resources to get out do it. He will eventually get more physical with you and probably the baby. Best of luck

    Answer by treynlisa at 6:03 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • Leave and get a restraining order. This will help 1 to keep you safe and 2. to make sure he only gets supervised visitation with the baby if he ever goes for it.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 7:55 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • If he is this way alone then you have every right to be worried. The stress of a household with a new baby is only going to intensify the issues and even with a deep desire to change on his part and full time therapy for several months he might not be at a break through point where you can feel safe at home. I think it was very wise you got out and hope you stay out. You can still love him and he may change, but I wouldn't take his word on his reform without some long term level headed behavior from outside that home.

    Answer by hotelmom123 at 4:11 PM on May. 6, 2011

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