Just looking for outside advice/opinions on the situation... I apologize ahead of time as this is very long.
I was with this man for 7 years. He helped me raise my daughter from infancy. We went through the normal relationship struggles. At one point he left to live in Hawaii with some family for a short period of time to help them out with their business. A month after he left I found out I was pregnant. He freaked out and wanted me to get an abortion. I refused. We didnt talk much for a while. I sent him sono's and things just to keep him up to date.
at 19 weeks my son was born sleeping. My ex was on his way home from hawaii as this was happening. I was home and it was all over before he finally landed in town. I was already bitter that I had to go through all of it completely alone and even though he was aware of what was happening, it took him 4 days to show up at my house.
We greived, breifly together. And for a moment went back in to the normal swing of our relationship. That July my daughter (8 at the time) went to visit my aunt in another state for a week. It is something she has done every year since she was 3 and looks forward to it. We saw her off, he promised to teach her to skateboard when she got back home. One day during that week she was gone, he left my house to go to work. I never saw him again.
My daughter was heartbroken. She knew he was not her dad, but he had helped to raise her. I felt anger because I had tried desperately to protect her from this very thing with her real father, who came and went in her life until I finally put an end to it and gave him the option to stay for good or leave for good before she was old enough to remember and be hurt by it. He chose to leave... but this time it was different. She KNEW this man, and she loved him like he was her dad. She still refuses to skateboard and my heart aches just thinking about it.
And he left me, ina time where I was still greiving, and because he never really would discuss it with me, I never got to really grieve with him. He deleted his email, changed his phone number and basically dropped off the face of the planet. No one knew where he was or what he was doing. At one point, I was convinced he had died...
It will be 3 years on the 11th since my son was born sleeping, and 3 years in July since he left us without notice. He is suddenly back. Through a channel of friends and family- his phone number somehow found its way to me. Beacuse someone had mentioned to him that I was still not ok and needed closure- he informed them to have me call him when I am ready to talk.
I am terrified.
I do need this closure. I have not been able to have a successful relationship of any form since he left. I feel like damaged goods. I am also worried because 6 months after he left me, I fell in to a very short lived relationship with a friend of his who let me cry on his shoulder and told me it was ok. I became pregnant. He left me too. I am still a single mom... I did not intend on becoming pregnant, the condom broke and we didnt notice until the damage was done. For a short time after my son was born I felt guilt, because I felt like I had replaced my other son. Now I just feel like he has filled one of many gaping holes in my heart.
Sorry to get off topic, i just wanted to be very detailed in order to get accurate advice.
So my fears are many. I fear what he will think about my having a son with his ex-friend. I fear that a conversation will not bring me any closure at all and just open up old feelings of love, and greif. And it may sound weird but I am terrified to stand in front of him, look at his face, and smell him again. I have no pictures of him out and have avoided looking at the few I do have all these years.
But, I do need closure. Clearly 3 years of total and complete seperation did not fix anything. In some ways I really just want to split on my terms.
If you are still reading, thank you. Any opinions or advice?
Asked by Anonymous at 3:44 AM on May. 6, 2011 in Relationships
Answer by Ashes0813 at 4:40 AM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by youngmoma07 at 5:10 AM on May. 6, 2011
Honestly, If this were me, I would not meet him! I just think it's better if you keep going and get yourself professional help dealing with your feelings. He's not going to help you with those feeling but add to them. He left you and your daughter when you needed him most, so that speaks volumes! If you absolutely feel the need to talk to him, do it over the phone.There's no way I'd let your daughter see him, she doesn't need that pain all over again. He's not contacting you because he misses you , he's doing it out of guilt and your worried how he's going to feel about the fact you turned to a friend of his when he wasn't there for you! If he did all this to you, I don't see how your going to find "closure " in him? He's never going to say the things you need to hear but add to your heartbreak! You need to get help so that you can move on with your life, you and your kids deserve that ! Good luck!
Answer by anichols1 at 6:03 AM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by rosiemendo at 6:52 AM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by aishanabuaisha at 7:00 AM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by MrsDAP at 7:53 AM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:40 PM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by KoolMom617 at 12:48 PM on May. 6, 2011
Answer by lucky35 at 3:46 PM on May. 6, 2011