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3 Bumps

WWYD? Ex left 3 yrs ago without notice, destroyed me. Need advice.

Just looking for outside advice/opinions on the situation... I apologize ahead of time as this is very long.

I was with this man for 7 years. He helped me raise my daughter from infancy. We went through the normal relationship struggles. At one point he left to live in Hawaii with some family for a short period of time to help them out with their business. A month after he left I found out I was pregnant. He freaked out and wanted me to get an abortion. I refused. We didnt talk much for a while. I sent him sono's and things just to keep him up to date.

at 19 weeks my son was born sleeping. My ex was on his way home from hawaii as this was happening. I was home and it was all over before he finally landed in town. I was already bitter that I had to go through all of it completely alone and even though he was aware of what was happening, it took him 4 days to show up at my house.

We greived, breifly together. And for a moment went back in to the normal swing of our relationship. That July my daughter (8 at the time) went to visit my aunt in another state for a week. It is something she has done every year since she was 3 and looks forward to it. We saw her off, he promised to teach her to skateboard when she got back home. One day during that week she was gone, he left my house to go to work. I never saw him again.

My daughter was heartbroken. She knew he was not her dad, but he had helped to raise her. I felt anger because I had tried desperately to protect her from this very thing with her real father, who came and went in her life until I finally put an end to it and gave him the option to stay for good or leave for good before she was old enough to remember and be hurt by it. He chose to leave... but this time it was different. She KNEW this man, and she loved him like he was her dad. She still refuses to skateboard and my heart aches just thinking about it.

And he left me, ina time where I was still greiving, and because he never really would discuss it with me, I never got to really grieve with him. He deleted his email, changed his phone number and basically dropped off the face of the planet. No one knew where he was or what he was doing. At one point, I was convinced he had died...

It will be 3 years on the 11th since my son was born sleeping, and 3 years in July since he left us without notice. He is suddenly back. Through a channel of friends and family- his phone number somehow found its way to me. Beacuse someone had mentioned to him that I was still not ok and needed closure- he informed them to have me call him when I am ready to talk.

I am terrified.

I do need this closure. I have not been able to have a successful relationship of any form since he left. I feel like damaged goods. I am also worried because 6 months after he left me, I fell in to a very short lived relationship with a friend of his who let me cry on his shoulder and told me it was ok. I became pregnant. He left me too. I am still a single mom... I did not intend on becoming pregnant, the condom broke and we didnt notice until the damage was done. For a short time after my son was born I felt guilt, because I felt like I had replaced my other son. Now I just feel like he has filled one of many gaping holes in my heart.

Sorry to get off topic, i just wanted to be very detailed in order to get accurate advice.

So my fears are many. I fear what he will think about my having a son with his ex-friend. I fear that a conversation will not bring me any closure at all and just open up old feelings of love, and greif. And it may sound weird but I am terrified to stand in front of him, look at his face, and smell him again. I have no pictures of him out and have avoided looking at the few I do have all these years.

But, I do need closure. Clearly 3 years of total and complete seperation did not fix anything. In some ways I really just want to split on my terms.

If you are still reading, thank you. Any opinions or advice?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:44 AM on May. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • I'm sorry for your loss and for what he did to you, but I can't imagine calling him could bring anything positive for you. Is there anything he could say that would really make you feel better? Are you sure this would bring closure instead of just resurfacing all that pain, not just for you but for your daughter?
    I don't know, that was a horrible way he left you, I just don't think he deserves another second of your time after pulling that. Maybe counseling could help you deal with closure better than opening yourself up to someone who could just dissapear on you when you need them most? I wish you the best in whatever you decide though;)

    Answer by Ashes0813 at 4:40 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • If you feel like you need to talk to him and let him know how you felt after all this time then do it but chances are feelings may resurface considering you still thought of him. He may not be your daughters dad however sounds like she thought of him as a father figure and putting her through possibly him letting her down again sounds like a bad idea. Do what you feel you need to do just try to not let your self down being as he has a history of running out on you. Good luck

    Answer by youngmoma07 at 5:10 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • Honestly, If this were me, I would not meet him! I just think it's better if you keep going and get yourself professional help dealing with your feelings. He's not going to help you with those feeling but add to them. He left you and your daughter when you needed him most, so that speaks volumes! If you absolutely feel the need to talk to him, do it over the phone.There's no way I'd let your daughter see him, she doesn't need that pain all over again. He's not contacting you because he misses you , he's doing it out of guilt and your worried how he's going to feel about the fact you turned to a friend of his when he wasn't there for you! If he did all this to you, I don't see how your going to find "closure " in him? He's never going to say the things you need to hear but add to your heartbreak! You need to get help so that you can move on with your life, you and your kids deserve that ! Good luck!


    Answer by anichols1 at 6:03 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • I agree with the previous answers. You owe him nothing! Find a good therapist, counselor, or psychologist to help you with your dilemma first before you allow him to talk to you. I understand your need for closure, but write it down in a journal or in a letter to him. don't give/send it to him without consulting a professional. He is selfish, uncaring, a deadbeat. Protect yourself and your children from their deadbeat dads. They have all emotionally abused you; no one deserves that. Before you even attempt to get in another relationship or even to allow someone else ino your life, you need professional help. Try to forgive them silently, otherwise you will suffer on the inside, and then move on with your life. You and your children do deserve that much.

    Answer by rosiemendo at 6:52 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • I wouldn't call him if I were you, I highly doubt it will bring any type of closure whatsoever. In fact I think it may just open old wounds. If he wanted to call at any point HE could have called you. He's a selfish waste of space and I don't think he deserves a call. It is SO smarmy of him to tell people you know to tell you to call him when you feel ready... It's like he thinks he's in the right and isn't ashamed of what he's done. Do the same to him as he did to you, never call him.. He deserves it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope one day he realises what he gave up.

    Answer by aishanabuaisha at 7:00 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • Put pen to paper..... write a long letter to him. Reread it after you are done. Save that letter for a week.... at end of that week, reread that letter. See if ALL of those feelings still apply. Decide at that time if its worth seeing him or not.
    I'd suggest just reading the letter to him and then walk away.

    I dont know, its been 3 years. YOU DESERVE A LIFE..... he clearly has gotten on with his.
    Dont feel bad about what has happened in the past.... its making you who YOU are today! A better, stronger person.

    Answer by MrsDAP at 7:53 AM on May. 6, 2011

  • I think you need to get over this man and get on with your life. You cannot continue holding on to memories, thinking that he'll resurface and find his way back to you. Leave those memories of him where they are and think of them as bittersweet...He knew where you were all along and could've gotten in touch with you if he truely wanted to but he didn't....

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:40 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • OP here...

    Wanted to touch base about a few thigns that have been said... My daughter will not know I am going to talk to him, nor will she see him at all.

    Also, its been 3 years and I havent healed a single drop. I havent wanted to see him, nor do i ever want him back. But i want answers, i have SO many questions. I want to know why he left, what he had going through his head that made him feel it was ok to not just abandoning me in a time of need, but to leave my daughter while she wasnt even around to say goodbye. I want to scream at him for destroying who I am. And then, I want to walk away and be the one that left. I feel like its necessary for me to have these answers and to have this moment so that i CAN move on which is what I desperately want to do.


    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:46 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Just know that you might not get the answers you want from him. He might even act as if he did nothing wrong. Please don't give him the opportunity to hurt you again. If you do and he does whose fault will it be?

    Answer by KoolMom617 at 12:48 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • do not contact him, if anything he should be the one contacting you to explain himself and if he can't be man enough to do that,then let it be. yes you have questions but will it make you feel better if he was to say i left because i couldn't deal with you and for his own selfish reasons. knowing your daughter got attached to him and consider him a dad role model. just let it go and if you are seeing a counselor/therapist that's great and thats how you should get your closure. let him come to you, what he told his friend to tell you that's bullshit really. he needs to man up. and he doesn't need to know about your baby either. its none of his business who the dad is or what you did when he left. remember that.

    Answer by lucky35 at 3:46 PM on May. 6, 2011

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