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2 Bumps

I feel trapped in my own marriage, is there any way to introduce love? To build it?

My parents converted to Islam when I was 12 so I've known another life but I loved it at first, it's peaceful and a lovely way to live but it's difficult for me who's known different. I had what you could call an arranged marriage to a man originally from the middle east. Most people find that shocking but it was what my parents and I agreed on, I had just turned 17 when I got married and was still in education which I stayed in until 18. I met my husband around 7-8 times before we were married and I talked to him ALOT via email - he's a lovely man and I do love him, there's just no spark... I agreed to the marriage because that was how it was done, all my friends were entering in the same process, but I guess some could say I jumped into it too quickly, I got VERY excited!

Well anyway... I feel I've lost faith in the religion and in myself really. I'm 19 now and have 2 children who I adore and a husband who adores me but I can't find myself loving him. I went to my mother and she told me to be grateful for what I have and I AM but there's just something missing.

Is there any way I can do anything about this? My friends from school are all out having their first loves and breaking up and being carefree and I guess I expected some sort of feelings.

Please don't bash me, I honestly love my family but there's no spark there.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:09 PM on May. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • Can u talk to your husband and ask him if u guys can work on doing romantic stuff together?

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 5:13 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Your a very interesting person.

    Answer by MexTexmom2 at 5:13 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Your still young.... but its going to have to start building by communication

    Answer by khf22 at 5:13 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Are there any women from arranged marriages that you can honestly talk to and get advice from? Do you have a mentor of any sort? It might help to get an opinion from someone who understands the ins and outs of arranged marriages.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 5:15 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • You need to find out what it is that is making you feel this way. You seem to be comparing your life with friends from school. That can get hard. You see the freedom of people who are single and you dont have that. Try talking to your husband about you having a girls night every month. This way you get out a bit. I had to start that with my husband and it helped our relationship out a lot. Get a sitter for the kids and have a date night. This way the two of you can talk and have time together and not have the kids running around and intrupting. I hope you are able to find that spark that you are looking for. Sometimes the spark goes away for a little bit after kids.....Hope this helps you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:16 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Not really Imagination Mama, neither my parents nor his parents had an arranged marriage. His parents were very lucky and fell in love with each other then were married to each other and mine were obviously not from that culture. I don't have anyone to talk to who understands it these days - except people who are related to him and may get offended that I wasn't in love with him! I don't know... I try to talk to him but he just tells me not to worry it will come with time and that he loves me more than anything and he'll do anything for me (he already does too much!) so I feel bad and just don't talk about it...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:19 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Can you go to a therapist? That would be a really good and discrete place for you to talk about your feelings and get some guidance. Noone has to know what you talk about there.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 5:32 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • I can completely understand wanting some romance and passion especially when your young and you see all your friends having that. But ultimately I think that sort of love is fleeting. Romantic love usually isnt the lasting love that makes a great a marriage of a lifetime. I think that most couples have their romantic phases. But ultimately most people at the end of the day want the sort of compassionate love it sounds like you are fortunate to have with your husband. You respect him and say he is a very good man, you say he adores you. Your already WAY ahead of many marriages (sadly for them)

    I know its hard to know what does it for you when you haven't had much of a chance to explore yourself but give some thought to what sort of things make you feel a sense of attraction and talk to him about incorporating those things into your marriage :) GL

    Answer by kayslay at 6:04 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • Spark is based on a lot of things, some you can effect, some are instinctual.

    One you can effect is your feelings of intimacy. For example spend long periods of time looking into each others eyes, holding hands, and talking about personal things - you will increase your mutual feelings of intimacy.

    Answer by MyMyOhMy at 7:47 PM on May. 6, 2011

  • YES, you can learn to love him, if he learns to speak your love language (book written by a Christian author, but still applies to any marriage, regardless of what they may believe)!

    I have a few questions for do you feel most loved? When he says nice things to you, does stuff for you, caresses you, gives you a gift, or when he just sits there and spends time with you? If you are unsure, I would be most happy to supply you with the link to the quiz that will help you determine what your specific love language is.

    Answer by hopeandglory53 at 10:01 PM on May. 6, 2011

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