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2 Bumps

I messed up. Please help...NEED YOUR ADVICE ASAP! Thanks!

Ok. So here is the deal...

My husband asked my daughter to go through my purse t0 find a pink. Soe when she was searching through my purse, she found found cigarettes! I do NOT smoke on a regular basis and actually it has been about 8 months.

Whenever I have a few drinks I have a cigarette. Terrible habit from college, I guess. I am 8 months pregnant and very into health and fitness so quite unusual that they would find anything like this in my purse.

My husband is sooooooooooooooooo pissed, but he does know that I periodically smoke when I drink, but pissed they were in my purse and said that YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT THIS.

I am struggling because I am such a failure as a parent and my husband is one of those guys that NOT one family member has been divorced, went to college, got his masters in a yr and a half, etc. He always makes me feel so bad about myself if I mess anything up because he would never possibly do anything like that! He has smoked cigars when drinking, but guess he justifies that differently.

Sorry for the rambling! Can you please just help me with the conversation with my 11 year old. Her and I are VERY close and do everything together. :( I know I messed up and this is a great time to talk her so I appreciate all advice!

You ladies are saviors!

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:34 PM on May. 7, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (11)
  • I dont see the big deal. You are a grown woman and if you want to smoke from time to time its completely legal. I would just tell her its a bad habit you got from college, but obviously are not smoking anything right now since you are pregnant.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 3:39 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • No big deal, tell her before you got pregnant you smoked here & there. Why lie? Tell her that you've hung on to them for way too long & you really need to toss them out & now that the baby is on its way....you haven't had a cigarette & don't plan on having one ever again. Not a super big deal...just roll with it. This is also a good time to talk to her about smoking & how terrible it is....you know from personal experience, so she might listen.

    When parenting, there are times you are just not ready for things....like your DD finding your cigarettes.Stuff like that happens in every family, it's part of raising kids. At least it wasn't a vibrator....lol....my girlfriend's DD walked out of her bedroom once with her vibrator in her hand saying "Mom...whats this?" You can never be prepared for such situations.....

    Don't worry about it so much, it's not that big of a deal. in the end, all will be fine...
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 3:43 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • I think samurai chica hit the nail on the head with her advice.

    Oh, and tell hubby that if he keeps up with the attitude, he might find himself the first one in the family to be divorced.
    layh41407

    Answer by layh41407 at 3:45 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • First of all: STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!

    You probably shouldn't have had the cigarettes in your purse, but if you haven't been smoking them, it's not a big deal....nothing is messed up.

    Go ahead and be honest with your DD, and tell her that you've had that old pack in your purse for so long that you don't even notice it anymore and should have tossed it loooong ago. Then throw it out, and let her (and your DH) see that you are throwing it out.

    Since you only smoke occasionally when you drink, giving them up for good won't be difficult. But, you should give them up for good (and I mean ' for good' in more ways than one).

    Also, since your DH seems to feel he's practically perfect (like Mary Poppins) he can give up his cigars too. ;-)
    ss_mom

    Answer by ss_mom at 3:47 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • Truly was feeling so depressed that I have been crying for a few hours! You ladies made me feel so much better. I assure you that I have NOT smoked a cigarette since I found out. I am not addicted! Just a really horrible habit from college. THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH. She asked if I could take her to the mall and we will havet he talk on the way there and I will throw them away then as well. I don't really care if he sees me throw them away. I know I disappointed him, but my daughter is the one that devastates me!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:05 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • Everyone makes mistakes, but it's by them we learn. I think you have learned a lot by this situation...esp. about your husband. Your daughter is the one who matters. Sharing your humanness is a step in helping her learn about you. She will have more respect for you now because you acknowledge the mistake, where the husband is in denial. *hugs* I'm proud of you!
    Suzi

    Answer by Suzi at 4:19 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • Kids can pretty much forgive their parents anything when you are honest with them. It sounds like your daughter is old enough to tell the difference between you owning it (like samurai suggested; excellent advice) and you trying to pull the "don't do as I do, do as I say do" crap on her.

    Don't beat yourself up. And don't let your husband beat you down about it either. You're human. Hope you guys have/had fun at the mall :)
    EgoTryptophan

    Answer by EgoTryptophan at 7:12 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • Be honest with her and shame on your husband for making you feel that way. I'm the same as you - I don't smoke on a regular basis, I have a few while drinking which I haven't done in about a year because I stopped drinking when DH and I started trying to get pregnant (not long now before this boy is out and I can have my whiskey back) but I also don't drink often so DH never had a problem with it and he still smokes (he goes through one pack every 4 days, a big difference compared to my mom's 2 packs a day). I agree with Suzi - your daughter will have more respect for you because you're acknowledging the mistake. Also just because you have smoked does not mean your children will. My mom has always been a heavy smoker; my sister and I have tried it, though neither of us were regular smokers, I have two brothers that smoke about the same as DH and four brothers that do not smoke nor have they ever tried it.
    anon1986East

    Answer by anon1986East at 7:17 PM on May. 7, 2011

  • i hope it works out - good old fashion honest and apologies work wonders
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 4:32 AM on May. 8, 2011

  • Honestly, I'd be pissed at hubby for allowing daughter in your purse. To me that's the violation of your privacy, but now that it's out there, just be honest, terrible habit.... didn't mean to make her fee shocked or uncomfortable. And (SERIOUSLY) no one goes into mom's purse without HER permission DH needs that lesson, too. Doubtful anyone goes in his wallet without express permission from him. Just sayin....
    hollydaze1974

    Answer by hollydaze1974 at 11:36 AM on May. 9, 2011

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