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3 Bumps

Where to draw the line in open adoption?

I read a poignant blog about closing the door on the hope that the other mother (struggling with addiction and anger) will change. The door that holds the fear of what happens today affecting a possible relationship with her later on.

The blog is written by a natural mother who has reunited with her child.  In her situation, the adoptive mom struggles with alcohol addiction and acts inappropriately to hurt her child.

Although written by a natural mother, some of us adoptive moms have been in the same situation with the roles reversed.

Most of us believe, as this natural mom doe,s that "what would be best for my son would be the love of both his mothers."  It is hard to disagree that this is the ideal situation and the one we all want for our children.  In some cases, it works out perfectly.  

Some of our children. however, have birthmoms similar to the adoptive mom in this blog.  Birthmoms who struggle with addiciton and behave in ways that are inappropriate and hurt our children.  Some of us have held out hope that she will get help with her addiction struggles. Some of us walk on eggshells out of fear that what happens today will affect a possible relationship between her and our children later on.  LIke this mom, our fear can restrict us from defending our children and shielding them from pain.

The adoptive moms in this situation struggle mightely with the same issues this natural mom grapples with. This blogs speaks to adoptive moms as much as natural moms. It is an example for us all.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:52 AM on May. 8, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (5)
  • bump!!

    Answer by MamaSusieQ045 at 11:09 AM on May. 8, 2011

  • I read this and can see where this blog would speak to you as an adoptive mom who I gather is struggling with maintaining a relationship with a bmom who has some of the same problems as the amom who is referenced in the blog. As an adoptee the thing that struck me is that an adoptive mom is usually trying to deal with a situation like this when her child(ren) are young whereas the birth mom in the blog I am assuming has a son who is grown. He may be young (I really don't know) but I am assuming he is at least 18 years old and protecting or shielding him seems to be someting that may a bit overdone when someone is that age-or at least not in the same category as protecting or shielding a young child. Young children do need this but when we reach adulthood we need to learn to deal with things on our own. I can understand where she wants to stop contact between herself and the amom and her son needs to decide what he needs.

    Answer by confused969 at 4:00 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • Confused made a great point about which mom is usually dealing with these issues at which stage of life. I hadn't even thought of that. OP, we have had similar struggles with one of our kids' birth mom. She has been nothing but loving with our daughter, but struggles with addiction. The one time she showed up high for a visit and made a scene, we had to set some limits. The face-to-face visits with her stopped for about seven months (until she was clean), but we continued the letters and pictures. We also continued face-to-face visits with the rest of the birth family. She has since been through relapses and remissions, and we just count on her mom to let us know what the status is before we visit. We said very clearly that we'll only include her in a visit if she is clean. Our boundaries have worked very well.

    If we had someone saying hurtful things, that would be different.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 5:41 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • The line for me is if it hurts my child or risks his placement with us. I do not play games or do drama. You can do all tge shit you want and I'll ignore it unless I think my child is going to have a negative impact. That's my line. I'll give you pictures and updates that are detailed but don't think I am a sucker and will allow phone or any other type of contact if you are not well or want to start unnecessary drama for the sake of having some excitement. I create a drama free zone when it comes to my kid. Life is hard enough and full of ups and downs. You be fair with him, and by extension us, I'll be very fair to you. That about covers my stance. You can say I'm a bitch - fine. But I am the parent responsible for this specific child. As his parent if you (his birth mother) mess with his well being I will show you just how much I love him. I do not owe you. You do not owe me. Teat me fair and yes you can have

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:20 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • contact. I prefer you well and calling to let him know how much you do care. But threaten me, rob from him, start get letters and pictures. I would never not give those unless really pissed off.

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:23 AM on May. 9, 2011

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