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4 Bumps

The guilt of sexual abuse?

I was not sure where to post this, but figured here would be okay.

I was sexually abused as a child and into my teens. For almost a year before I was taken from my hope and placed into protective custody, I wold sleep at night with a knife under my pillow. I kept swearing to myself that I would kill him next time he (my father) came in. And each time he did, I laid there stone cold unable to move or do anything.

I did get lots of counseling and help. I had so many emotions to deal with, shame, disgust, self loathing, depression. But guilt as well. Part of me has always felt like I could have prevented him from hurting someone else. Part of me has always feared that he would do it again to someone else. While he did go to court, there was not "physical" evidence. (I had already become sexually active with my boyfriend by the time I got out). It was my word against his, and you can't put a man away based solely on that.

My sister in law asked me about everything and I was honest, she then told me that she thinks "dad" molested my niece. Course my brother would never believe this. My SIL is doing what she can to get my niece help and what she can do legally, all with out my brother knowing because he would not support her at all.

Part of me feels guilty. I could have ended this pathetic mans life years ago. I could have spared my niece this pain. I know I didn't molest her, but.... I could have been the last person he terrorized, and I couldn't do it. I feel guilty.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. How do I make this feeling go away?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:04 PM on May. 8, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (13)
  • Maybe it might be a good idea if you went to therapy.
    sweetpea1217

    Answer by sweetpea1217 at 12:17 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • Had you done what you were going to (kill him) you would be in prison right now. Shits like that should get the electric chair, or forced castration. get therapy for yourself and your niece. You can help her as soon as you get your head on straight and understand you could not have helped her before the fact.
    Audrice1985

    Answer by Audrice1985 at 12:34 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • I was molested when I was a child till I was 15, that day in fact my dad had a heart attack and died. I've forgiven my dad because it has helped me to heal. My mom sort of suspected that something was going on, but my dad had a way of making her look like the bad guy. I never told my mom cause my mom was very abusive. I was afraid that if I told her that I would be made a liar,so I let it continue. Sometimes I would hope my dad wouldn't leave cause when he was their my mom couldn't beat me. If I had sex with my dad he would talk to her and things would be different for awhile. I think all that we can do is forgive it helps a lot. I find all the therapy and counseling in the world won't help unless you really want it to. Learn to do things that make you feel good. Perhaps you could those who went through the same trauma?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:39 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • Sweetpea1217, I would love to go back to therapy, but i really cannot afford it right now. We looked at the low income options, and the best we could find was $30 per session, we literally cannot afford that right now.

    Audrice1985, I hate our system. They require proof for a crime that sometimes only leaves emotional scars, but that is not enough to convict a man, so instead, they let them roam free. Its sickening.

    Anon, I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced this as well. I am currently going to school to be a social worker. I hope that somehow I can help those who deal with this same trauma. But what I really wish is that I can prevent it.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:21 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • My husband said if my dad was alive today he would put him behind bars.
    MarGeee

    Answer by MarGeee at 2:46 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • talk to your neice one on one and find out what happened.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 2:58 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • You have a form of PTSD and survivor's guilt. When you were still in your father's home you were helpless. You were at his mercy. No one faults you for that. I went through a similar thing and I can tell you that these feelings will get better over time. Let your SIL deal with what is going on with your niece. This is her daughter and it is her battle to wage, not yours. You already won your battle by getting the hell out of there in one piece. Killing this man would only have put you in prison for life or death by lethal injection. Killing someone who is molesting you in not considered "self defense." It is considered manslaughter or worse. And if you premeditated it, definitely murder. So you did the right thing. You are still doing the right thing.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 4:07 PM on May. 8, 2011

  • "Let your SIL deal with what is going on with your niece. This is her daughter and it is her battle to wage, not yours"
    That is PURE bullshit. Its family, and family is supposed to stick together. I also think in a way it might be therapeutic for both of them. The niece might open up even more if she knew this has happened to someone else especially if it was her own Aunt and that she not alone. Also if it happened to u, u should know this and this will take a real goos support system to get better.
    "Killing someone who is molesting you in not considered "self defense."
    If she stabbed her 'dad' while he was in the act of molesting her the DA more then likely would rule "justifiable homicide", especially if she was just a kid.
    @ the original poster.......try your Community Mental Health in your city. Sometimes they will have a support system of their own free of charge that also includes 1 on 1 therapy.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:55 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • I was in a simular situation, therpy never hepled me at all. In alot of ways it made things worse. I have great friends that helped me through it. My Father has never been punished, but I do not have any hard feeling towards him. I haven't confronted him, as he has never seen anything he ever has done, or does as wrong. My kids however have not been around him. He wants nothing to do with my kids or me. I ran away and left his house when I was 13, I still don't deal with his side of the family, except for 1 of his sisters who lives in Cali. She too was abused by him and she has never been able to get him punished either. I am a christian and do believe he will get his one day. One of my preachers did help me with the grief that he could hurt someone else. If your abuser did hurt someone else it would not be your fault.
    sweetangie79

    Answer by sweetangie79 at 3:28 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • Thank you everyone for their advice and comments. As horrible as it may sound it helps to know that I am not alone. I wish I could find a support group. I think that would be more beneficial to me then 1on 1 therapy. I have done both before, and I really felt like I thrived in group.

    My niece is 3, so right now my SIL is not trying to push with questions, but trying to get her play therapy. I think part of the reason this is so difficult is that my daughter is the same age as my niece. Something like this happening to my daughter is my greatest fear. I've become terrified to leave her any were. Men that I have always trusted for years I just can't trust right now at least not with my baby girl. I wish I could hide her away and keep her safe, I know that I can't, she needs to live and embrace life.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:26 PM on May. 9, 2011

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