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He's still lying! what would you make of this?

this was my post yesterday: http://www.cafemom.com/answers/834229/So_my_husband_left_today_happy_freakin_mothers_day_to_me

anyway he called last night from his mother's and claimed that he's going to be staying with her to "get clean". he was in a sour mood last night and every question i asked he got defensive. it was not the attitude of someone who wanted to rectify their mistakes and show through their actions how sorry they were for being deceitful, but someone who was being forced to drop an addiction. he basically expects me to bend over backwards through this "rehab", stay positive and supportive and pretend like the last 6+ months were dreamed up. is he insane? i was the one covering for him, lying for him and being fed bullshit by him behind closed doors. i was the one being told time after time that this was the "last time". how can he turn around and victimize himself? and expect me to just "go with the flow"? 

i thought about our conversation a lot last night while tossing and turning in bed. this morning i felt a little less angry/hurt, and had some kind of hope that maybe he will get clean at his mom's. until i checked our bank account online, and saw that he got $25 in gas on the debit card yesterday. our budget is very tight and we take money out for gas, and only use the debit card/checkbook for bills. he had $30 in cash on him that was to be used ONLY for gas. our argument blew up yesterday before he left because he wanted an EXTRA $20 to buy "some". so now that he's gotten gas on the debit card, he still has that $30 in cash. am i to be the loving, generous and stupid wife that believes my husband is being honest and forgot to use cash? or go with my instinct and know that this is another way of sneaking around, and while his mom's at work today he's going to go buy himself a $20 sack. 

 

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 7:21 AM on May. 9, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • Clean out your account. He is sick. Talk to his mom and a counselor. He is not in control. It is a disease.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:28 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • You can't have him removed from an account without him being present, so... clean out the account and CLOSE IT. Open a new account with the funds, in YOUR name. Otherwise, you're going to wind up floating down shit creek without a paddle.

    I lived with an addict for 6 1/2 years. They *NEVER* change. They may "get clean", but they always still want it. Always. No matter how long it has been. Never, ever, ever trust an addict. They will go to any lengths necessary to obtain what they "need".

    My ex has been ordered into treatment, it's been 2 1/2 years and he has started 6 (maybe as many as 9, not sure) times but never completed. He'll stay "clean" as long as he can, then get depressed and go right back.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 7:37 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • Addicts always blame their addcition & drug/alcohol abuse on some one or some thing, in order to justify (make excuses for) their drug or alcohol abuse. Honestly, WHO leaves to go to their mommy's to "get clean"? He went there to be able to do drugs/party whenever he feels like it, without you being around to hassle him over it. If he really wanted to get clean he'd go to a treatment center & stay there for as long as it took. As for you giving him support? When he has earned it that's when he would get it, & it doesnt sound as though he's earned the right to expect any support from you. Stop allowing him to use you as his excuse not to get clean. If he REALLY wanted to be clean, you wouldn't hear a word about you or anyone else as to why he cant/hasn't; he'd just go do it. And yes, as a joint bank acct owner, you have EVERY legal right to protect your household funds. Do so before you're penniless.
    RubyinPA

    Answer by RubyinPA at 9:41 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • I agree with the above, he needs help, gotta be cruel to be kind on this one.
    kylie_bob

    Answer by kylie_bob at 7:32 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • I agree with tootoobusy. He has no intention of changing his ways. I want to tell you I have spent years raising three children alone. My ex was exactly the same, he said he needed it to relax and chill. You don't want to raise babies with that stuff in the house or his lazy additude. He is full of excuses. Trust me, being a single mom is tough but I promise you it's not as bad as you think. Living check to check with someone that has no priorites and that selfish is far worse. You and the kids deserve far better and wait till you see how money seems to stretch without someone like that in the home. Please let me know if you want to talk. Best wishes.
    chgomom

    Answer by chgomom at 7:36 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • If you are joint, you can take out the funds. Do it. Document his behavior. Document your use of the funds for the support of you and the children. You will not get in trouble for caring for your family. Where does the money in the account come from?
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:42 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • Right now you are scared and desperate. You wanted a happy ending and you can't find it. Take control and do what is necessary for you and your children's well being.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 7:43 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • If you are legally married you have every right to clean out the account. You can't get in trouble for it. I know a girl who's husband wasn't even on the account and he was able to clean it out and close it without her knowledge. You need to take control of the money before he ruins you both.
    alphamom26

    Answer by alphamom26 at 7:59 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • I feel sorry saying this but this is my life experience my mother father uncle aunt and grandpa are addicts ( cocaine/crack) my other two uncles are drunks. out of all of them only one has changed. I have a very negative view of addicts they dont stop because they dont want to they lie and even try but are selfish. I dont think they are bad people or try to hurt you but that high feels so good and is very addictive i would separate until he got clean. Tough love is needed. My mom always blew me off lied to me stole from me once. When i had my dd she became a working addict, she blew my dd off once when she was 4 she my dd was crying because when my mom is around shes clean but i didnt talk to her for a month she would call me a few times a day and try and come over. finally i gave in and my dd is 6 and she never did it again. The one who did change hit rock bottom lost everything, i think sometimes thats what it takes.GL!

    whitenena

    Answer by whitenena at 8:56 AM on May. 9, 2011

  • cont she parties on the weekends, i only seen her on my bday and xmas and she came high. She calls my dd at least 3 times a week shes very close with her i think she tries to make up for my life and how she was with me i love my mother alot but i know she wont change so i take her how she is. But if it were my dh i wouldnt i would leave because the kids suffer you may not see it because i held it in and woulndt show i hurt but its devistating.I really wish you the best of luck i know how hurtful addicts can be. My dh never knew any addicts and he is convinced that my family will never stop he use to ask why i dont try and now he understands you cant help people who do not want help.
    whitenena

    Answer by whitenena at 9:01 AM on May. 9, 2011

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