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How do I get my new teenager to talk to me...Wihtout me having a fit with some of the things we talk about?

My 13 yr old is trying to grow up toooo fast...trying to talk to her more about making good decision about friends/boys/future

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BlessedwLife

Asked by BlessedwLife at 9:38 PM on Jul. 10, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • I think I heard a podcast on www.family.org once about how teens NEED freedom but need to be reigned in sometimes too. but they crave independence and need some in order to learn how to be adults.

    It's be nice if you could listen to something like that together then talk about what you think.
    TXdanielly

    Answer by TXdanielly at 10:26 PM on Jul. 10, 2008

  • Do something together like shopping, baking or something she likes to do...Then just start up a little chat...nonchalantly--like it's no big deal. You can ask her about her friends and what they are doing to start off, and then maybe it will open up the door for her to talk to you. No matter what she says, try to be cool. If you overreact or act shocked, she will shut down and not tell you anything ever again. Good luck.
    comfycouch

    Answer by comfycouch at 12:02 AM on Jul. 11, 2008

  • My daughter always talked when she was ready to talk. It could be at 2am - but if that's when she started talking - I'd prop my eyes open and listen. The other thing that helps is asking open ended questions and then just waiting for the answers - then chatting about that. If you talk about what she wants to talk about - it will evolve in to more. Good luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:10 AM on Jul. 11, 2008

  • When I was that age, my mother and I had a "date" every week... we went shopping at the mall and had a snack. We rarely bought anything other than the snack but we talked while we shopped.
    kaycee14

    Answer by kaycee14 at 8:46 PM on Jul. 11, 2008

  • Welcome to the club, and I wonder sometimes if it ever gets easier:) I have a 15 yr. old and face some of the same challenges you've mentioned for quite a few years. One thing I've learned is to try to always have open communication, so she'll feel comfortable coming to me. This is the challenge. A lot of times I don't like what I hear, but in order to help prepare her for life, I have to be able to listen and digest all that she tells me. I also have to remember not to show the emotion I'm truly feeling, which would be going "off" :) And the number one thing that I have to always remember is that I'm not her friend, I'm her parent and it's my rules that we play by. I have learned the art of a "poker face" when talking with her, because the things our kids have to deal with today, is NOTHING like what I dealt with growing up. Hope this helps.
    jenise425

    Answer by jenise425 at 8:48 PM on Jul. 12, 2008

  • Stop whatever you are doing and watch them while they are talking. You are there to listen so resist the urge to finish their sentences. Resist teh urge to jump in and criticize or even to formulate that "yes, but..." in your head. Use only "listening words" - Oh!, Really, WOW! Ummmm, I didn't know you felt like that, tell me more. Encourage them to speak by not speaking more than the listening words... This allows them to talk it out without you approving or disapproving. At the beginning of the talk you should ask... Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen? When they are done ask them what they think they should do, want to do etc... let them answer their own questions. You have raised them a certain way and that should come through loud and clear in their own answers
    Simonsgirl

    Answer by Simonsgirl at 9:23 AM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • You need to get to a place where your daughter will just plain trust you enough to talk to you and tell you the truth. Just hang out with her. Go shopping, go get ice cream, watch TV with her. Hang out. Eventually she'll grow to trust you but DON'T push her. Ask her simple questions to start out conversations, but make them broad and unconfrontational. The most important relationship your daughter needs is the one with you.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 6:50 PM on Jul. 13, 2008

  • It is just words at this point. No need to get upset when it's at the learning stage. If you don't do it then you might not like the talk when it's at the OOPS stage and someone else already taught her what you don't want her to know.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:40 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

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