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How do approach something from long ago?

mother's day really got me thinking about of lot of things that have happened in the past about my mother (adoptive she raised me) and how horrible she treated me i won't get into to it but it was really bad permanent scars bad. Since i have grown up and become a mother of my own our relationship has gotten better tho we only talk on the phone b/c we live so far apart. Part of me really wants to take this opportunity to tell her about how much she hurt me in the past but part of me is afraid that she will stop all communication. So what should i do?

 
amberpaiz

Asked by amberpaiz at 6:19 PM on May. 9, 2011 in Relationships

Level 24 (18,644 Credits)
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Answers (11)
  • I think you definently have the right to speak to your Mother about this, actually a lot of good could come out of it for both of you, esp yourself, living with built up negative emotions is not good for you and she may also have some regrets she would like to get off her chest. Yes she could be hostile about being confronted about it but we all have to hear things we dont want to hear, if she gets to the point where it stops communication then I would take it that she wasnt really meant to be in your life.

    One thing I wouldnt do though is do it over the phone, it really has to be done face to face where she can see where your coming from and how your feeling- things and motives can really be misconcrued over the phone and it may feel like an attack to her. If you cant plan a visit for the 2 of you to talk about this in the near future I guess the second best thing would be a letter
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 6:32 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • i know that it wont solve things in the literal sense, but try and write a letter to her and dont send it. get everything out that you need to. good luck...keep your head up and BE the mother that she wasnt...
    happymom8262

    Answer by happymom8262 at 6:28 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • as a letter is very personal and you can take your time to explain why your bringing it up where your coming from and that it is not to put pressure on her or to make her feel bad but to make her realize how her behavior made you feel and that your bringing it up so you can lert it go and for the 2 of you to have a better relationship now.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 6:35 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • She probably already knows what she has done and if you don't feel comfortable with talking about to her on the phone, then maybe consider writing her a letter and remember you are doing this for yourself, the need to have closure......GL
    PatriciaofMN

    Answer by PatriciaofMN at 8:58 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • What good would come of bringing up the past? Live in the NOW and enjoy. Stirring up the past will only bring about ill will. She's probably sorry she wasn't a better mother to you. Enjoy what she is now.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:21 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • thats the thing i don't think she is sorry for it and i need to say these things to get closure. These things that she did to me greatly effect how i live my life today and i at least need her to know that she did that and either can say sorry or end the relationship. that's not what i want at all but if feel like alot of times when we are on the phone she says things in such a way eluding to the things in the past that she did and i wait for the "im sorry about that" but it never comes and i don't take that oppurtunity to say anything b/c i finally feel like i have the mother that i wanted so badly back then.
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 6:28 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • you know i thought about doing that and i have wrote ALOT of things in journals over the years but i feel like to really get over it it needs to be said out loud to her.
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 6:29 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • i guess what i am really thinking is am i gonna be ok with once i finally get the nerve to say what i need to say am i gonna be ok with her stopping contact if thats what she does.
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 6:30 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • I think if it would really help you, then I'd consider telling her. But I wouldn't expect much. I grew up in a abusive household and when my sister attacked me a few years ago my mother first told me that she would hope that I would not ruin their lives by telling the hospital. Told me that if I was indeed a decent person I would say I fell into a chair.
    then she just refused to talk about it,
    Now she denies that it ever happened.

    I wouldn't expect much of a I'm sorry even if she does admit to your side of it.
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 6:44 PM on May. 9, 2011

  • i feel you itsme my adoptive father sexually molested me for years and when i finally got the nerve to tell her she beat my ass and told me if i was lying she would kill me
    amberpaiz

    Comment by amberpaiz (original poster) at 7:23 PM on May. 9, 2011

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