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So, he lied for 7 years.

When I met my husband, we were both virgins.We were off and on for the first 2 years of our relationship. One time when we had been together just a few weeks,but after we had slept together the first time,we broke up and he slept with another girl. Then around the 1.5 year mark we broke up for a few days, and he slept with a girl then too. They were random hook ups, not relationships, he hadnt met them before, hasnt seen them since, doesnt even know their names, and he was "hammered" both times. Oh, we were also teens at this time too. Anyways, so after 6 years of dating we tied the knot-WITH ME BELIEVEING I WAS STILL THE ONLY PERSON HE'D BEEN WITH! Well, we had a fight this past new years eve, and the subject came up, and he admitted to sleeping with the 2 other girls while we were broken up. I've been having a hard time dealing with it ever since. Im not gonna leave him over something like this, because I do believe we werent together, he was a young teen under the influence of a substance (he cant remember if he was high or drunk, just remembers being messed up-which makes me mad too- I dont like drugs!) And I do not believe he will ever cheat on me. He sees how hurt I am over this, and I do believe he is deeply sorry and it was the biggest mistake of his life.We otherwise have a great marriage, but I feel so betrayed. Any advice on how to get past this and move on? Much easier said than done, I think about it nonstop....and I just want to move on and leave it in the past where it belongs. Help!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:35 AM on May. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • Just let it go, you guys weren't together. He most likely kept it from you so that you wouldn't get hurt. If he actually said " You are the only person I have ever been with." I would be upset he lied over something so stupid. My DH and I have both been with other people before we got together. As much as I wish we would have waited for each other, that is not what happened. I do think that he was being a jerk and hit below the belt when he told you durring an arrguement.
    Liamsmom09

    Answer by Liamsmom09 at 10:44 AM on May. 10, 2011

  • What a rough situation; hugs and prayers for you, mama.

    I would recommend seeing a counselor. It might just be one or two sessions, it might be more, but it would be a great investment in your marriage. If he's not for it, go yourself. If you are involved in a church or temple and you feel comfortable, try setting up an appointment with your pastor or rabbi. It may be a more informal counseling (and often free) is what you need, or is at least a good place to start.
    KateDinVA

    Answer by KateDinVA at 10:45 AM on May. 10, 2011

  • He told me I was his first, right after our first time. I just kinda assumed it had stayed that way. He just let me keep thinking it without correcting it. He told me during the argument because we were about to call it quits,and decided that we needed to start "over" with each other, come clean about things and our feelings, and kind of "re-start" our marriage. He didnt tell me in the heat of an argument to hurt me, I think he told me to come clean, and because he has felt guilty about it. I guess Im also really mad, because its not like they were before we met,they were after, so in the beginning it wasnt a lie, and had he not done it,then we could still stay that we were eachothers onlys. And not to mention everytime we've ever broken up it hasnt been for longer than maybe a week at LONGEST then right back together, so after 1.5yrs, how could he so easily just sleep with someone else,so soon after a break up? I couldnt.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:51 AM on May. 10, 2011

  • If you truly want to stay together, then you have to let go of it. We ALL make mistakes, stupid mistakes. Even if he was, stone sober and straight, people still make bad choices, especially MEN!
    I was with my now husband for about 5 years and I don't believe he ever slept with anyone else, then we broke up for 1 month and he went to bed with someone else. It made me mad, sick, frustrated, but I don't think it really did mean anything to him at the time. We have been together for 16 years, married now for 12. If you forgave him, then you have to let go of it. Trust me, it's only causing YOU pain, he has forgotten it!

    NOW if he cheats again, dump his ass!
    mommerbean

    Answer by mommerbean at 10:54 AM on May. 10, 2011

  • I think the bigger question is why did he tell you NOW? What purpose was served in telling you this? Was he just trying to hurt you because you were in a fight? I agree with the PP that you should go into couples counseling. Fighting dirty like that is very destructive, as evidenced by your reaction.
    Everybody makes mistakes, even huge ones. What you must do is make the decision to stay with him, forgive him and not let this ruin the rest of your lives together, or leave him because you can't get over the deceit. Just don't let unforgiveness eat away all the good times you could have had because you're too busy ruminating over and over and over about this. It's not worth it. Good luck to you.
    JawgaMom1

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 10:55 AM on May. 10, 2011

  • Mommerbean- im feeling all of the things you mentioned you mentioned you felt. How long until those feelings subsided? I dont want out of my marriage, I just want hope that I wont feel like this forever.

    Also, want to clarify, he WAS NOT playing dirty by telling me, he didnt do it in a manner to try and hurt me. I was asking him, because his aunt had made a joke about what a ladies man he was when he was before we met (he was only 16 when we met, so I dont think he had too much time to "get around")and he is a big flirt, anyways, we were fighting about something else, so when she said that, it just fueled my fire, and once we calmed down, he came clean. He says he is glad he told me, he is no longer living a "lie" and hated that he did it, let alone lied to me about it. I however, wish maybe he hadnt told me,because I'd rather him live a "lie" than for me to be living in this nightmare of hurt.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:08 AM on May. 10, 2011

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