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We are being torn apart!!!

My DH has never stood up to anyone a day in his life. His mom is so overbearing and when he feels she is wrong or crowding his space he won't even tell her. He will take what she says over me. Her opinion over mines. He feels as if standing up for himself is desrespectful and just won't do it. When people from his family and their circle (they have an elite group) encroach in our marriage and disrespect the boundaries he says he doesn't see it. When I tell them to back up he and them get upset with me. My feelings come second to theirs and our marriage is suffering because of it. His mother always felt like I was taking her baby away. We elloped because he was too afraid to stand up and tell her what he wanted. I can't live like this. He thinks I want him to leave his family but I love them. They (him too) want me to go along with their program and I tell him we need to create our own program. HELP!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:53 PM on Dec. 5, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • sorry hun, but until he gets on board, it is almost impossible. hang in there.
    vbongard

    Answer by vbongard at 1:00 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • same thing happened to me. i think my dh mom is a straight up b*tch. she told me not to marry my dh because he has bad credit! c mon! and she was always talking crap about us. one day while i was napping in the guest room i woke up to her on the phone telling her friends that we dont deserve anything from them. (my fil helped us move) the worsed is how she always says they are broke and stuff but yet they spoil my bil kids all year round and has bought no more than 5 things for our son small things. he is their first grandson!!!! my parents bought soo many things big and small!.
    anyways your not the only one and u can message me to talk anytime. my dh got mad at me for not being a push over for my mil anymore but i dont care she can stay as far away as possible is fine with me.
    momavanessa

    Answer by momavanessa at 1:28 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I have decided that I will not deal with it anymore. He has a decision to make. If he will not stand up to anyone about our marriage or relationship and gets mad at me each time I do, I can't trust him with my life and that of my child. He has to make the choice. I came home from the store last night after telling him that I won't budge on this issue and he was gone. Didn't answer his phone or call me. He text me saying that he can't count on me but I have always been there for him. He has not come home yet. I will not put up with this anymore. I have made up my mind. I have never made him but now he has a choice to make either/or.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:05 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Unfortunately you are the minority here. I know how that feels and it is a hard place to be. What worked for me is to be in a position of submission, give in & allow your husband & his family to have control. Rather than fighting with them, just allow them to continue with their tradition...AT THIS TIME! You will see that as he matures in his relationship with you & he sees that you've been gracious with his family, you will then become the center of his attention. But its going to be on his timing! Trust me, I've been there before, it just takes time!
    danielle808

    Answer by danielle808 at 3:25 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I'm an old person so I'm sure you won't care what I say (I'm 36) but in "my day" we were taught to not disrespect our parents, or even our elders. There's polite ways to handle things, but the way you're making it out to be, he needs to just big a big man and tell his Mom and friends off. Suggest he use tactful ways to do it instead of getting angry etc.. you're hurting your marriage as well by trying to make him do something he's firmly against.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 3:27 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I have never asked him to be disrespectful. I am not disrespectful and have shown his family and all his people the utmost respect and patients. But whats wrong with telling your mom, dad or siblings that you want to spend an evening alone with me rather than go with all of them to dinner (he's almost 30). If thats what you want thats it. They act like its what I want and that I control his thinking. I tell him we can go but he says I wanna be with you baby... but he doesn't tell them that. Or how should I feel if his mom tells him don't be late for church and he is willing to tell me to "catch up with him" when I am sick and throwing up just so he doesn't disappoint her. His mom once told me that he used to be friendly as if just because they can't control him he has become a monster. And he won't stand up for himself. And when I stand up for him I look like a fool.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:46 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • OP--Your story sounds EXACTLY like a former relationship I was in--fortunately I left a few months before saying "I do," and there were no children involved. Your DH is NEVER going to change, and it sounds as if you're in a "blood is thicker than water" situation. My realistic suggestion is to discuss with your DH MOVING your family as far away from his family as possible--so that "pop overs" are not easy. Trust me, it's the only way to rid yourself of the interference otherwise, you are going to have to "grin and bear it!" And MAYBE, when your DH can focus on you and only you, he may learn to rely on you and not seek advice and control of his family!

    When I left my former fiancee behind, I moved 60 miles away--still able to get to my job and support myself, but it allowed me to re-establish myself and start anew.
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 5:26 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Dinner plans is a whole different thing to me....What I do is when they call, I say "ask the hubby, I'm game if he is". And if I don't wan to go I say "I really would rather stay home, but I don't mind if he goes, would be nice for him to get an evening without me and the kids with ya'll". He seldom goes and I feel (they dont' feel it's my fault I hope) that they know he doesn't want to go and leave me home. But it's his choice to not go, it's not that I'm going to get mad (when he goes, I usually just ask him to bring me something back). I don't refuse all the time tho, that would make them feel like I don't want to be with them (certainly not my case). Continued...
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 12:05 PM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • continues... In my case I sometimes have had a rough day with the kids and just don't wan to go out in public with them. Sometimes he'll take them so that I get a break from them, sometimes I just stay home with them. Kids are good excuses for not going if you don't want to go. But if he got on the phone and said "Nah, the wife doesn't want to go, so we'll just stay home" I'd jump all up in his stuff and tell him to stop using me as an excuse or I'll tell her to start calling and ask you so she'll know when it' s you or me that's not wanting to go.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 12:08 PM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • Thats kinda my point. If you don't want to do something you can say so. He will say to me, knowing I don't wanna go or that we had other plans, "baby what do you want to do?" I will say I don't want to go but you can go. He will say, "I am not going if you are not going." But he won't tell them that. He will just not answer his phone. So they think I am controlling him. So then I say ok, lets go. But then we go and they get mad if he spends more time with me than them. That makes me uncomfortable. So as I am uncomfortable, and they are pulling on him I will say, baby I will go and you stay so that they can be happy and you can be happy. He says, if you leave I will leave. But we will leave and its my fault in their eyes but he doesn't see my agony. This is all too confusing and this kind of thing goes on all the time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:24 PM on Dec. 6, 2008

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