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Is this his way of controlling me?

I'm a sahm, my SO makes a decent amount of money. I noticed that everytime a family member or friend is coming to visit me from somewhere he gets really catty. What I mean by that is, I'll tell him way in advance about them coming, I'm talking months, weeks, and when it gets closer to them coming he starts saying things like "oh well you know you might not be doing this or that because we don't have the money for it" I'll ask him why does he wait until were close to the date and start saying that my plans probably won't happen and basically taking all the fun from it. I also tell him if we didn't have the money for it then why the hell would he let me make the plans with so and so and hen at the last minute tell me is not gonna happen, really pisses me off. Then he says well we do have money for us, only our family but not for you tO spend it with anyone else.

WTF?!! How is it that he can tell me I can't spend it how I want too?? He knew about these plans and wants to be an ass and ruin them for me. My family also includes cousins, nieces and uncles so why is it that I can't spend any money doing things with them because he says so but we can use that same money on ourselves? It's not like I have people visiting all the time. It's a couple times a year. I feel like it's his form of controlling me and I don't like it!

He has no problem if I want to go out with friends/fam and stuff, he's very very easy going guy when it comes to that and never controlling but for some reason when someone comes to visit and we make plans while thy are here (because they are here to see me specifically not just visiting the area) it becomes this huge issue and always always turns into an argument. Thoughts??


Asked by ProudMammaMia at 1:39 PM on May. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,619 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Is he included in the plans? If you are making plans that don't include him, that could be the problem or if it's stuff done while he is at work so that he can't participate. If you don't see it any other time, I don't think it's a control issue. Whatever the reason for it, I would not let him be cancelling any of my plans, and I would see to it that I had the money I needed, even if it meant putting a little back out of the grocery money. Some things just ought not to be happening, and this is one of those, no matter what his reason might be!

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:02 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • He is jealous and controlling. This would make me fearful for your future. If he gets like this for little things like visiting someone just imagine if he gets a thought in his crazy mind that you're seeing some other guy. He might harm you or something. I think you should set aside some money if you can a little at a time because this guy sounds nuts and you might need emergency money. I would seek counseling to see what the underlying problem is, because a rational person wouldn't go so nuts over something so small.

    Answer by Bugzmomma at 1:43 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • I think you are right... Next time you make plans and he says okay get it in writing or get the money in advance.

    Answer by mlmsm928 at 1:43 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • Well, if you want to make him stop doing that inform him that you are going to be upfront with the family when they come and tell them that HE won't spend any extra money on entertainment, you want too, but he doesn't....basically explain he allowed you to make the plans but when it came time he took back the funding. As it is he probably knows you won't hang him out there as being stingy and will instead make an excuse so you can both save face. I'm pretty sure if he is the one who has to take the entire blame, he'll shut up and pay up. What he's doing to you is a mind just need to know how to take the mind game and make it real for him. I hate that kind of behavior... mind games should never be a part of a healthy relationship. Honesty is always better.

    Answer by CallMeAngie at 1:49 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • He shouldn't have to foot the bill for your families activities. understand that they only come so often but still. activities and atleast 1/2 the food cost should be theirs. depending on the plans. Do u go back home and stay with them, eat for free,and they provide you with money for activities or gifts???

    Answer by kkbird at 2:06 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • We do not pay for the family or friend at all unless we occasionally pay for lunch or something. We make plans and it's understood to each there own. So no im not asking for him to pay for other people period.

    Most of the plans are without him because of two main reasons: 1) he is working and can't take off alot I'd days from work. 2) he is really antisocial and does not want to take Days off to spend it with whatever guest visiting so he wants me to go without him lol. He will spend very little time with our guest especially since they won't be staying with us this time he really won't see them unless he made an effort.

    Comment by ProudMammaMia (original poster) at 2:14 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • Kkbird to answer your question, when I go back home about 6 out of 10 times my family does pay for me even if I don't want them to. I don't pay for food because they feel I'm the guest and should be paying, which I think is very nice. Some pay for most things more than others. That's another reason why I get irritated by this issue because they are so sweet to me when I visit them.

    Comment by ProudMammaMia (original poster) at 2:18 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • Do you have access to the money? If so, you know how much y'all have and what needs to be paid. So if it's available then have fun!! If not, you need to get access. A marriage is a partnership, and if he's not going to give you equal control over the money, get a part-time job and you'll definitely find out if he's trying to control you.

    Answer by Ttcbabyclegg at 3:23 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • His game is cruel. I think you should find a way to make some money of your own. Maybe you could take surveys on the computer, be a secret shopper, baby sit a friends kid, or day care for one or two kids. All of these things are quite manageable as a stay at home mom. This will give you your own spending money so you don't have to ask him for it, and allow you to save something in case his behavior gets worse. I have to tell you, it doesn't sound so good for your marriage.

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 5:21 PM on May. 10, 2011