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Helping a family member grieve over the death of their twins....

My aunt and uncle lost there twins september 2010.they were to be born a few days after valentinesday in feb 2011.she went into labor too early,and there was nothing that could be done to save them,as they were severly under developed.my whole family is completly disfunctional and always have been.the only time everyone talks or gets together is when theres a death.family that lived close by went to the funeral,for apperance sake.i couldnt go because im in tx and there in nj.Ever since the funeral ive been told that they keep to themselves and my aunt hardly leaves her apartment.her husband leaves to go to work.other than that they stay home.My husband and i lost 2 children due to a genetic disorder.one was 14months old in 2006 and the other was 11 months old in 2008,so i feel in some way i can relate to there pain.but not fully because i had more time with my 2 kids.I am severly worried for them and am not sure what to do seeing as i live so far away.my entire family only see's how there doing to gossip,no one will step up and do something.and i feel helpless.any advice would be greatly appreciated.....

Answer Question
 
b4byd0ll

Asked by b4byd0ll at 5:19 PM on May. 10, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 3 (23 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • I think you should just step in for them and call them or write them a personal letter and keep the rest of your family out of that loop. Just reach out to them with your personal story, even if they know it already, restate it and let them know how you feel, how you cope, what to do on bad days etc. Oh I'm so sorry for what you personally have had to deal with and these family members. Good Luck!~
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 5:21 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • Put them in touch with Compassionate Friends.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 5:23 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • "Safe in the arms of God" by John MacArthur, my cousin was given this book recently when she lost her baby. She said that it brought her some peace. Might be nice to buy it and send it along with a letter.
    Kimedbs

    Answer by Kimedbs at 5:28 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • Death is a touchy thing, especially when it comes to a child. If you do try to do anything, they may get upset with you. And sometimes when we think we are helping it's more upsetting. I'm not saying do nothing, I'm saying tread lightly. I would send a card every now and then and let them know you are thinking of them, and if they ever need anything or just to talk that you are always there. It gives them the invitation to reach out on their own.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 5:40 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • @kimedbs- i will deff look into getting that book,at this point i couldnt hurt.
    And thankyou to everyone else for your advice :)
    b4byd0ll

    Comment by b4byd0ll (original poster) at 5:42 PM on May. 10, 2011

  • That is such a painful loss. Since you feel so connected & concerned, I would suggest that acknowledging their loss directly and honestly is the best thing you could do. Empathy is not about fixing things, suggesting solutions, cheering someone up, or offering advice, and simple recognition and acknowledgment is so healing & connecting. It is a real negation to have people avoid the subject or always trying to comfort/look on the bright side/minimize the experience when they DO "go there"....it doesn't have to be a constant topic but just acknowledging the fact of the grief and the loss gives so much. I hope you find a way to extend your loving concern and share yourself. It really is "enough," and certainly is sufficient to open the door to communication, at which point you may learn more about their actual needs.

    An extension of your human compassion, through acknowledgment, seems the most valuable offering.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:45 PM on May. 10, 2011

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