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3 Bumps

We separated..almost divorced..worked out issue..now back together..am i doing things right?

we had a separation..been together 6 years. the separation was caused by 2 things...one his mother that he had not seen in 20 years wanted me out of the picture because she wanted to move into our home and i said no..she's very manipulative..well she is pretty much out of the picture now cause she started hating on me a lot when I moved back in and he told her if your going to act like this, I wont even speak to you, period...so that issue is not an issue. The real reason, or the big one so to say, was because 4 years ago I thought he cheated on me, instead of being mature about it and talking I ran out and had a revenge affair that night...well he didnt really cheat on me, so i just hurt him for nothing 4 years ago..we never resolved that and never had full honesty and disclosure on it until now. We finally talked about that and he said he forgives me, but I know it will take time to completely let it go since it was recent that we really talked it out. He was also upset that during our separation, i thought we were divorcing for sure..he was saying very harsh things to me, verbally abusive really but it was cause of the affair and i didnt know at the time that was why he was so upet..well he got upset that in the divorce papework it stated that he was verbally abusive, his chain of command reacted badly to that (he's army) and he thought that I was trying to drag his name through the mud so to say and take him for everything legally. Well we have talked about all of this...one thing he wanted was for me to talk to his chain of command and explain honestly this is why he was so upset, i cheated on him 4 years ago so please understand his anger did have just cause etc. I have been working on that but I am yet to get a meeting set up cause ppl are not replying to my contacts...but I am working on it. We don't argue at all, its been great since I got back...were happy, affectionate, peaceful. I am doing my normal stuff in the house (sahm and housewife) but also looking for a job cause we decided it would be better for the family and I always said when our kid was old enough I would go back to work. I am committed and I am gong to talk to everyone that cme down on him about the verbal abuse and explain why he got so upset, I was the one that cheated 4 years ago and never came completely clean until now even though past 4 years we both knew something happened, just no exacts. I wanted to get new wedding bands cause during the separation he threw his away, he said no..I dont trust you fully yet again, you cheated and lied about it for years then got me in trouble during the separation...I need time and I need to see you rectifying what you did first. I am working on talking to everone and will be honest with them about what happened, I am doing everything he wants, I have apologized a lot, I told the people in the family that were involved in this why he got so upset so I rectified it with them cause originally they thought he was just some a-hole that went off on me for no reason so I rectified it with them. He is no angel, he can be controlling and he did used to talk down to me a little, but he has not talked down to me since we got back, ever since we cleared the air on the affair issue its like a huge weight was lifted and all that anger just vanished.
I feel like Im on some proving grounds with him still. Am I doing stuff right, what else could I do? I know I hurt him..I seen that in his voice, but Im not the woman I was back then and he knows that. He said he would do counseling once he seen some genuine effort from me to rectify what I did. He said I was his everything, he loves me so much, he was miserable without us here etc. and when he holds me sometimes now it feels 100%, he even said he didnt give me 100% ofhis heart before because that issue was hanging over our heads but he is now and I do see that.I can feel that he is more open and hes not holding his heart back like he used to, hard to describe but I think you know what I mean.

What else can I do ? I came clean to family, I am working o ncoming clean to his chain of command and his doctor who was also a part of this. Im working on getting a job like I said I would, been to multiple job fairs, I have resumes everywhere..but its hard to get a job here cause I can only work on the military post since we are overseas so my job options are limited so it might take some time. Am I doing things right? Would you suggest anything else? We love eachother,were a strong family,but I need to make right what I hurt 4 years ago and never had the balls to own up to until now. advice? or just keep doing what Im doing and the rest takes time

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:03 AM on May. 11, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • It seems as if he's making you grovel, and it's not right. Yes what you did was wrong, but he either chooses to forgive you and move forward or he doesn't. Making you run around telling everyone your dirt just seems wrong. He didn't know you cheated 4 years ago, so telling everyone you did so they can blame his behavior on it doesn't make much sense either. Then making you earn counseling? That's awful, I'd really like to know what a counselor would say about his requirements for granting you forgiveness.

    I'm sorry and I hope you two are able to make things work, but you both need to move forward & that's not going to happen with all of this rehashing of the past and spreading it all around town like it happened yesterday. Good Luck!
    Ashes0813

    Answer by Ashes0813 at 4:59 AM on May. 11, 2011

  • I think it would be a smart idea for you both to have coulseling. I think it would be helpful to you both. he shouldn't make you tell everyone what you did wrong in the past, he needs to let it go and you need to build a stronger marriage. but it sounds like he is holding alot of resentment towards the past. It is hard sometimes to get over the past but he needs to otherwise the marriage won't work.

    Good luck to you!!!!
    jenn4443

    Answer by jenn4443 at 6:03 AM on May. 11, 2011

  • You should not have to bend over backward to prove anything to him. He either forgives you or he does not. It sounds like he has not totallyforgiven you. IMO.  You both do know you can go to free counseling threw the military. (MY DH is retired Army)  And you do not need to tell his BC or 1st SGT anything.  You said he was verbally abusive. Why go to them and retract that?  IMO this relationship will not work  AGAIN this time either.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:05 AM on May. 11, 2011

  • "He said he would do counseling once he seen some genuine effort from me to rectify what I did"

    Counseling should NOT be conditional!! It will give you both the tools to deal... that's kinda like saying I'll fix the car once it shows me it has tried to fix itself!! Regardless you can start counseling now buy yourself... that may be enough to get him in there. It' hard to fix what's going on between you both if only one of you is trying!!

    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 8:40 AM on May. 11, 2011

  • It seems like he wants you to wear the scaret letter and make sure that everyone knows that it was YOUR fault that you two split up before. IMO i think that is a matter of personal business between u and him, and should not be public knowledge for everyone to know your shame. It seems like very controlling behavior if you really think about it. I can understand wanting u to rectify things with his army record, but other than that the rest seems to be a matter of "no one elses business" in my opinion.
    2boysnaprincess

    Answer by 2boysnaprincess at 9:49 AM on May. 11, 2011

  • Just love him the best you know how. No matter what, all excuses aside, never cheat on him again. Show him that you won't. Good luck.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 10:16 AM on May. 11, 2011

  • Counseling good idea you having to EARN it not so much. I agree with Ashes0813 because yes you were wrong and he does have the option to forgive you or not to forgive you. However if he chooses to forgive you than he gives up the right to lord it over you forever and to bring it up anytime there is an argument. He needs to either REALLY forgive you and you guys can move forward together or not and he can move forward ALONE!
    Genice6

    Answer by Genice6 at 11:02 AM on May. 11, 2011

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