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My husband is so defensive and protective of my step son, why?

My husband has a son from a previous marriage who lives with us, we have a small boy together. I really feel like he has decided to parent this child all on his own and I am just someone else in the house. Anything I do for our child together is immediately confronted with why is his son not getting that and turns it around to playing favoritism. I understand that they must both feel like they are loved and receive equal things, but on the contrary whenever his son receives something or is treated by him he does not have the same feelings for ours? I really don't know what to do? I just wish it was the same for both situations but everything always turns out to be about his son. He is raising him to feel like he has been deprived and is left behind in life as he is constantly looking to overprotect him and he is so defensive about him.
He doesn't even let me be a parent to his son. He constantly rolls his eyes whenever I try to parent his boy, and disagrees and defies me even in front of his son. It's really hard and makes me feel like I am a nobody. But he doesn't do that with our son together, it's almost as if we are in two families. Has anyone been or seen someone in the same situation, any thoughts or advice will be helpful?

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Asked by jyj444 at 1:43 PM on May. 11, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 2 (6 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Sucks, been there done that, no matter what I did I had to explain to him why I did it the way I did it.............well guess what? We are divorced now and I am raising his daughter, she has no respect for him............go figure, do what you think is right. If he disagrees tell him you all can talk about it behind closed doors but I would def bring this to his attention not in front of the kids. If you feel you are doing your best and tell him if he does not like it let you know what he thinks should be done and maybe you can work something out together. If you don't talk about it without arguing you will go no where and it WILL ruin your marriage.......GL

    Answer by buttonlts at 1:50 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • First of all, it's his son and his ex-wife's son. It's his job to raise him not yours. The least you can do is be a friend to his son and try not to be so f-ing blind to the fact that that is your husband's flesh and blood and he has every right to defend and protect him. It seems you are doing the same for your child you have together, so why question your husband's relationship with his son who is more important to him than you are...or his ex wife for that matter. He has been deprived, btw. Deprived from his family. You think that kid is happy that his dad and mom split up and is now having to deal with a new woman in his life? Don't guarantee that he is.

    Answer by Imogine at 1:52 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • You need to talk to your husband. I'm guessing maybe some things have happened in your stepson's life that make your husband feel like he has to compensate for something.

    Let him know that you want to treat both boys equally, that you don't want either to feel favored. Maybe you can do something just with your stepson & your husband can do something just with your son, and then switch. But I don't agree that you just sit back & do nothing - that's what will ruin your marriage & possibly your kids. Try not to be angry, approach him with love & let him know that you also want the best for both boys.

    Answer by sweetpotato418 at 1:52 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • You and your husband might need marriage counseling.

    Answer by ToraMay at 2:00 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • I have never been in this situation, but from an outsiders point of view, HE brought you into his family, so he needs to let you be part of the family. I understand whole heartedly about being defensive of his kid, I am the same way with mine, and my husband is both of their father's. lol So I can understand he being defensive to someone who isn't his son's blood. I agree with someone above where they said they feel he is trying to compensate for something, most likely the lack of the boy's birth mother. He still needs to respect you and not show his son that your opinion doesn't matter or it will be bad in later years. I pray for God to guide you through this. You need to have an adult discussion, away from both children and let him explain his feelings and you explain yours and come to a compromise. God be with you! :)

    Answer by AndreaW2kids at 2:02 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • Wow. You and your DH need to be a united front- a team. I would sit him down and just talk it out with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, and what you've said here. Good luck!

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 2:18 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • i kinda agree with the other posts. that is his son, even though you decided to marry this man who has a son that is still his son, not yours. i know its harsh but in all reality its the truth. this is why i tell my friends and family do not marry a man who has children, drama, ex wife because you will not be happy in this marriage. he will always put his son before you and even your son together. let him discipline, take care of his own son. don't interfere, but if its messing with your marriage you need to sit down with your husband and be honest on your feelings. if that doesn't work, then you need to separate or divorce to figure things out.

    Answer by lucky35 at 3:49 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • I disagree with the whole its his son you stay out of it idea! He obviously brought you in their lives to be his step-mother and expects you to love and accept this child into your life! His son will NEVER have any respect for you if every time you try to discipline him, he goes against you! It also sounds like your husband has very little respect for you as well! I have two children from a previous marriage and am remarried and I would never go against my husband if he is discipline my children. He looks at my children as his own and thats how it should be!

    Answer by Kats86 at 4:41 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • In a blended family both parents have to be on the same page or it will not work. all the posters who are saying its his son not yours blah blah, thats not how a family functions. equal treatment goes for parents as well as children and he is not treating you like an equal partner. he is treating you like you arent "good enough" to be a responsible adult to his son. He needs to get some education about the collateral damage he is causing not only to you but his son as well. Its been proven that sons that grow up around fathers who disrespect women often follow the same path. he will be setting him up for failure in future relationships. Ask the important questions like "would you like it if I said that to you in front of the children"
    You guys CAN definitely figure all this out. try to find a group for blended families. Its good to have some neutral ground to hash out all the issues.

    Answer by SaturnsMom at 6:38 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • He'll come around, jsut don't do anything to put a wedge between him and his dad.

    Answer by Imogine at 3:40 AM on May. 12, 2011

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