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How can I help my 20-yo daughter with her love-life?

My daughter has asked for help with a problem in her love-life involving two brothers. One has been her boyfriend off and on through high school and the other is his older brother. The brothers are close and her BFF/ex would not be able to handle it if she pursued a relationship with his older brother. My daughter thinks it may be a case of "only wanting what you can't have" now that she knows the older brother has feelings for her and she can't stop thinking about him. I don't want her to lose the BFF/ex as a friend but don't know what advice to give on aversion therapy for the thoughts of "what if...." she's having about the brother. Help!


Asked by jburg2541 at 4:43 PM on Dec. 5, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I have a 20yr old daughter and I have learned to just support her, but she must make her own decision. If I were you I would stay out of it.

    Answer by lovinglife58 at 11:15 AM on Dec. 26, 2008

  • Stay out of it and let her make her own decisions. Whatever happens, she will blame you for it. She is a grown woman and is capable of making her own decisions about things.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:26 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Rules of dating-----You do not go out with your EX"S brothers/relatives.

    It's not in her best interest to go out with him.


    Answer by louise2 at 6:45 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I agree with anon. stay out of it. It can't end up on a good note and you'll get blamed for it.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:09 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Tell her to be mature enough and tell the older brother he has to work it out with his younger brother-- or no dice. She should respect their relationship enough to put it before her own desires. Maybe it isn't a case of the younger "wanting what he can't have" as much as it is the older brother proving he can have what the younger did--brotherly competition takes many forms--having two boys who are very close--I say to leave both alone. But also knowing that competition--I say she is just a pawn to prove something---something they may both laugh about after he has had his fun and dumps her. Tell her not to let her ego get in the way of a mature, selfless decision---because my bet is the older one just wants to 'prove' something!!!! He really doesn't have the feelings SHE thinks he has--------    If he does, he will work it out with his brother BEFORE he even asks her out......if not, he isn't very mature.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:40 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I think if she really cares about her ex/best friend's feelings, she won't date the brother. How would she feel if her ex dated her older sister? That's just not being a best friend... And it would be an AWKWARD wedding ceremony let me tell you haha! Just tell her your honest opinion but in a loving, not pushing way. Ultimately she will make her choice. What's meant to be will be also you can tell her that...

    Answer by madrigalreject at 6:43 AM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • you & your daughter need to set some boundrie rules. That would be the same thing as if she were married and her bestfriends hubby hits on her. If shes doesnt know how to except advances from jerk men who should mind their own boundries whats goin to keep her from sleeping with any one and everyone regardless.. just .because she doesnt reconize how to deal with or control out of bounds advances. she is need to help her with setting some ethics up for herself before you regret & SHE regrets it for the rest of her life. maybe the best thing would be for her to also move on, leave those boys alone...we dont share & share alike as be the one hurt, & confused from being passed around like a bowl of mashed potatoes at the dinner table...that needs to stop for your daughters mental, emotional, and moral stability.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:52 AM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • She is 20, any advice you give is going to backfire and shes going to wind up blaming you. Stay out of this one and let her figure it out on her own.

    Answer by NewMum2007 at 12:40 AM on Dec. 12, 2008

  • Ask her if its worth losing a friend over... and if she says no then why would she want to risk it then?

    Answer by dtetz at 3:02 PM on Dec. 21, 2008