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Ever feel like your drowning? (very hurt rant)

I have some mental health issues, I have zero family, ok, well thats not true. I have a handicap mother, and a sister that lives out of state and two cousins I've met like...a handfull of times, also out of state. I am at this point where all I want to do is die, I just want it to be over with. I suffer with something called CPRS I've been on social security for a few years, my son was an accident, I never wanted children as I knew it would be hard to handle also having chronic pain and schizo-affective disorder but as some of us know, accidents happen. This month alone I've gotten kicked off of social securty because I underwent a oppration called a spinal stimulator trail which basically took about 80% of my pain away. This was a 7 day trial, and because I had a positive trail not only did I assume I would go ahead with the perminite surgery, but social security did as well and with that surgery, it would cure the MAIN reason I was on SSDI- two weeks after my review came back and I learned I was getting booted off the program, like, cold turkey, after one month I had NO income coming in and hadn't worked in 3 years. I get a letter from my insurance Co. saying my Perminate neurospinal stimulator was denied. First off WHY would they give someone that suffers with chronic pain a chance to experience that form of relief which I can only describ as heven sent- to just turn around and say no to the perminate? the opperations go hand in hand, you can't get one without getting hte other. They said it was because there wasnt enough medical evidence stating that this was my only option. beacuse I REFUSE to take narcotics- So basically because I'm not willing to become a drug addict (given my mental issues which is higly likely) I'm being left to suffer. I can't shake this feeling of just going into my room, and ending it all. I need to be checked in at a mental health facility but I have no one to care for my son, I call the state and the hospitals for help and no one will give me any options. so after rejection after rejection I've still been left with no forms of help. I get booted off of social securty, I have no job, my last check was issued on the 3rd, and I have less than a month before I need to figure out how to start paying for things, and the reason I was booted off was because my disorder was supposed to be "cured" and now the insurance co denied the "cure" but it will take up to 30 MOS to appeal the SSA. its seriously not worth it... I'm on the edge, and I just want to let myself go. I feel like I have no other options. I don't want to suffer with this intense pain I have any longer. I'm 22, I can't live another 50+ years with this.

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:36 PM on May. 11, 2011 in Health

Answers (9)
  • Honey, I am really sorry. If it makes you feel any better I am bipolar, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, ADHD, and depressed with chronic insomnia. I have a child and had to get a job quickly. I not only did it but I've moved up and I've been there for 12 years. You can do it too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:42 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • Honey, before you do ANYTHING, call: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

    As hard as life is there is ALWAYS someone that is going through the same thing. I've been in your shoes with the depression and the suicidal thoughts. There was a time in my life that I was SO stressed and depressed I was eating three meals a WEEK and then only a few bites. Not one person noticed I was self destructing until I asked for my own help and admitted myself to a psych ward for a few days.

    Answer by Rosehawk at 10:49 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • I am really sorry you are going through such a rough time right now & i understand how it feels to think you will never see that light at the end of the tunnel but.. NOTHING in this world is worth taking your life for- your Son needs his Mommy- what would happen to him without you? Please call the Suicide Hot line- #1-800-784-2433 someone will help you get through this crisis.. Call them right now-Please..


    Answer by daisyb at 10:54 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • I want to check myself into a psych facitlty, but I have no options to do that...what am I going to do? Put him up for adoption while I get help for a few weeks? I looked into doing the partial hospital program, but I called the state asking if there was any state funded daycare programs I was eligible for and they said not unless I was working. I explained the situation, they don't care. I have no one to care for my son, so i feel like I'll never get help. Its been like 2 weeks, I normally shake the sucide feelings, and I just can't. I haven't talked to anyone about it, because Im scared they will do what they did last time and arrest me and take me and lock me up in a state ward psych place and Ill lose my boy forever. I'd rather die, than have him placed in foster care. Some say get a friend to only response to that is..what friends. I have literly no options that I can think of, other than sit and suffer CONT

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:00 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • get more and more unstable until somthing bad happends while im the ONLY one to care for my son, or sign my rights over "temporatly" to the state so I can get help while he sits in a a temp foster home.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:01 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • When I went to the psychiatric hospital twice, my daughter stayed with friends and coworkers. What about the father of your child? Is he willing to help or his family?

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:07 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • his father and his family doesn't talk to me, I'm not even sure his family knows colton is alive. Father lives in another state now.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:26 PM on May. 11, 2011

  • Have you thought about Vocational Rehabilitation? Maybe they can help in some way, or tell you what to do. You have a child with no income. I would also go to social services to see if you can get any help there medicaid, food stamps and TANIF.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:27 AM on May. 12, 2011

  • Try getting your doctor to write a letter to the insurance company explaining why this procedure is necessary. Insurance companies only look out for their bottom line, but sometimes you can appeal a decision. This can take a while, start this process right away and I hope they change their decision for you.
    Also see if the doctor will write a letter to social security telling them that your condition is what it is, that you need SS still.
    Do you know who your state representative is? Write them a letter asking them to step in on your behalf. It might not get you anywhere but it doesn't hurt to try.
    Is there a church based charity in your area? Sometimes churches have volunteers who will help people in need, maybe your son could stay with a local family while you take care of yourself. If not, maybe they can refer you to an agency that can help you.
    Good luck and stay strong for your son!

    Answer by RedRowan at 9:08 AM on May. 12, 2011

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