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Daughters and mothers who are growing into their adult relationship as women....

Now that my daughters are young women, why does it seem so emotionally overwhelming in my head/heart to continually communicate with either of them (at different times/situations) while it seems as if there is a competition between the daughter and me? How do you truly continue to raise her self esteem/empowerment by example, show them that they are truly the individual women that they choose to be? They are individuals, not just like mom or just like dad. They are young women with the right to make their own decisions and deserve to make their lives their very own. They are not in competition with me and I have wanted them to always understand that mothers/daughters should live and learn and grow. Competition? Maybe a girl's high school peers or extra curricular team-mates, work related employees vying for a similar position. Daughters are in a generation of their own with peers of their own. The only competition we all have, in my opinion, is with ourselves. Since actions speak louder than words, what would a mother do to show her daughters that competitive mentality should not breed in the already hormonal and fragile-like relationship? My daughters are 23 and 24....

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kbutts

Asked by kbutts at 2:39 AM on May. 12, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 10 (385 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Oooh that's a hard one. I have a feeling that if someone had the perfect answer out there, there would be a best-selling book that EVERY mother of a daughter owns. As a woman who had a very tumultuous relationship with her mother in her teen years, I have to say that it's yet another stage to be weathered through. I don't know that there's any one thing that would have made our relationship easier. In my situation, as I hit 16 I was struck with the realization that I had a very immature mother and had little/no respect for her authority because of that. It caused lots of issues and only after having my own child did we resolve most of them. I would try to give your girls as much freedom and respect as possible to allow them to feel like the adults they are becoming, but request that you receive the same treatment in return. I wish you the best!
    ShainaMay

    Answer by ShainaMay at 3:07 AM on May. 12, 2011

  • I'm struggling to have any kind of relationship with my daughter. I never had a positive, loving one with my own mother even though she lives with us now. If you find the answer to your situation, please share it with me. I don't even know how and when our relationship seems to have "turned" to the worst. I'd give anything just to really be able to talk and spend time with her. If it is "just a stage," I can't wait for it to end. I'm hurting inside every day of my life trying to understand and to be supportive of her.
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 8:05 AM on May. 12, 2011

  • There is a trick to that and that is to climb those walls they put up on a regular basis and do not stop doing it ever, if you call and the conversation ends up being one sided you hang up and try and try again, if the conversation gets nowhere or gets abusive, you stop momentarily and go at it again at a later time, the trick is never to give up. A lot of time this persistent attitude will wear them down and show them you are not about to give up.

    older

    Answer by older at 8:58 AM on May. 12, 2011

  • Are you competitive with them? Do you have a better job, a better house, better clothes, better education? Do you insist on having things a certain way at a certain time and place? Because usually grown children who are competitive with their same sex parent do so because they feel they have not been recognized for their own self worth. So they go to the parent's playing field and strive with all their might to become "better" than the parent in some way. The competition feeds on itself. Because the parent doesn't understand why they are doing it and they keep making the same mistakes. They focus on this negativity being brought into the relationship and not on the wonderful things that the grown children are doing. My suggestion is to quit worrying about the competition, and call your girls just to tell them positive things about themselves.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 9:17 AM on May. 12, 2011

  • I don't feel like I'm in a competition with my DD, but I sure would like to hear from her more often ~
    tasches

    Answer by tasches at 5:44 PM on May. 12, 2011

  • I'm very lucky, I have a great friendship with my own mom and my teen daughter.
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 8:15 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • I have 2 daughters one is 32 and the other is 25 and I just try reallly hard to leave them alone but it's hard but they do know that I'm here if they need me and sometimes they do especially the 25yr old she has 4 children and the older one calls when she gets upset with a girlfriend yes she is gay so I try and do my best for them and their 30yr old brother
    nannalisa

    Answer by nannalisa at 10:26 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • Most the time it's the moms who just need to let go. I feel weird not knowing what my kids are doing or not being able to just text them to chat. I know they have their own lives now and it's hard to think that they don't always think of us every day like I think of them.
    My daughter is still at home and it's worse now that she is back on with the jerk she started dating when she was 18. I just don't talk about him at all and she knows we will not accept him. So that leaves little to talk about besides her work (she always complains about her boss) Sometimes I just want to move out of state,or even the country so they can get on with their lives, make their own mistakes and then come crying to me. lol
    itsmesteph11

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 3:09 PM on May. 22, 2011

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