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3 Bumps

Should i leave or stay

today started off good, until i put our three old daughter to be. I was in the kitchen to so wash some dishes up. when i notice a smell ( a smell i always noticed with my ex) soi peeked out into the living and i saw my husband smoking. which he NEVER done since we been together and married. today out of the blue he decide to something that you use to do( yes i use to smoke but i haven't pick it up since 2003) so i got upset and started to ask questions, which of course he couldn't answer( anytime we get into it he never answers my question)( my husband said he felt that he needs to be doing what he use to do in the past) i told told him that about my ex, how i HATED THE FACT THAT HE WAS SMOKING, I HATED IT TO THE T., so (like always my husband responds is if you don't like it then leave) which comes up EVERYTIME we get into it. I don't what do go through this smoking thing all over again, just b/c it was physcial, mentally, and everything else of abuse. And the tonight was the first step, he put me down( something my ex always did, he called me names and hit me and so much more, this is with my ex) i never mention to him that i was planning to leave or anything like that but thats the first thing that came out of his month when i started asking questions. i love hime to death but what should i do. i'm sitting in the living room with my pillow weighing out the pros & cons in my head and that did help me at all so now i'm really thinking of picking up and leave, or should i leave this problem alone and just move on. i know he love me but sometimes he sure has a funny way on showing it. ( i got up set b/c i'm getting a job a state job and yes they do drugs test and i'm here trying to better my family and i feel that he is being selfish, and yes i told him that i'm about to be working for the state and you come do this, that is selfish to me.) so what do you. think

 
trinibaby

Asked by trinibaby at 12:40 AM on May. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Level 5 (66 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Perhaps you should try talking to him about it when he's sober? And don't compare him to your ex, and no ultimatums. Try this... When you 'blank' it makes me feel 'blank'. Come up with the solution together, don't tell him he has to do somthing. Let it be his conclusion to resolve the situation. If he has no desire to, regardless of your feelings than that's a reason to leave. I think he blows up when you approach him because he is getting defensive. Try not to put him on the defensive. Say two positive things for every negative and say 'what can we do' instead of 'what can you do'. Whatch your own tone and attitude and don't raise your voice. Try to remain emotionless through the conversation. Signs of emotion like tears can trigger fight or flight hormones in men. Good luck dear. I think this relationship still has a shot, so don't give up just yet.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 7:25 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I would leave my man for smoking pot. We came into this relationship with the understanding here would be no drug use, cheating, drunken binges etc.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:53 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • If its pot he's smoking, I'd leave. I wouldn't take that chance with children in the house.
    SalemWitchChild

    Answer by SalemWitchChild at 1:47 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • If its pot your talking about I feel its a more serious situation, if its cigarettes maybe you can compromise and have him smoke outdoors. If he's supposed to be looking for a job and smoking pot its really going to cause problems like you said when it comes down to drug testing. Then you're looking at the $ being spent on it if its not something you can go spending money on. And of course the risks involved in going to buy it and or having it brought to your house by the seller especially since you have a young child at home. It doesn't sound like a good situation. Now, if there is abuse going on towards you on top of this (whether its physical, mental or verbal) you really need to start thinkiing about the what kind of an influence and affect its going to have on your child. I grew up a scared timid child because my father was abusive with my mother. It was the worst insecure feeling. Don't let her grow up like this.
    CarolinaQ

    Answer by CarolinaQ at 12:49 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • LOOK HONEY BEEN THERE DONE AND IF THE ONLY THING HE'S SMOKING YOU SHOULD THE HEAVENS UP ABOVE CAUSE IT COULD BE SOMETHING MUCH WORST. AND CONGARULATION ON THE NEW JOB.MY ADVICE TO IS THIS,GET SOME ONE TO KEEP THE KIDS ONE EVENING COOK A NICE CANDLELIGHT STEAK DINNER,NICE SLOW MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.AND YALL TALK TO ONE ANOTHER INSTEAD OF AT ONE ANOTHER.AND LET HIM KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM SMOKING,AND HIM SAYING IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEN LEAVE TELL HIM HOW IT HURTS YOU THAT HE CAN SO EASYLY SAY IT.AND EXPLAIN TO HIM HOW YOU WANT YOU LIFE TO GROW ,HOW YOU WANT A YOUR KIDS LIFE TO BE BETTER THAN YOU ALL LIFE WAS.AND ASK HIM TO ANSWER THIS ASK HIM HOW WILL HE BE ABLE TO TELL THE KIDS THE BAD THINGS THAT DRUGS WILL DO TO YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR BODY,IF HE IS DOING DRUGS HIMSELF'AND ASK HIM IS HE STILL LOVE WITH YOU,CAUSE THERE IS A VERY WIDE GAPE BETWEEN BEING IN LOVE AND AND LOVING SOMEONE.WORK ON YOUR MAIRRAGE.BEFORE DECIDIN
    MADUKES402

    Answer by MADUKES402 at 11:21 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Smoking weed? Or cigs?
    xxlilmomma09

    Answer by xxlilmomma09 at 12:42 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Smoking pot or ciggs?
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 12:43 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • It seems like he isnt respecting you or supporting your decision to quit smoking.. Maybe bring up that up with him and if he just walks away, you should really consider leaving. But dont do something without giving it much thought.
    Normalremi

    Answer by Normalremi at 12:46 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I take it he was smoking weed since you're worried about the state testing?

    I would not leave my husband because he was smoking weed. I would leave him for abuse, addiction, and adultery. Remember that he's not your ex. It's unfair to lump the two together. And frankly, if smoking weed is the worst thing that he's doing... count yourself lucky.

    As for the arguing, everybody argues, and everybody has cop-out answers to arguments when they know they don't have a leg to stand on. If him smoking weed bothers you that much, then advise him that you will not tolerate it. If you're unwilling to compromise on the issue, then leave. If my husband was smoking pot-- I'd tell him to go outside and never in front of the children.

    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 12:46 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I think u should definetely leave ur guy because he is a drug addict.
    gta4girl

    Answer by gta4girl at 2:25 AM on May. 13, 2011

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