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How to start over?

I'm 21 and I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I have a 2 y/o son. My relationship has always been verbally abusive and recently turned phsically abusive 3months ago. Everything is good now but I plan on leaving at the end of December. I'm getting saved to bring in the new year. My 22nd Birthday will be on Jan.3rd. I plan to celebrate stress free and 200lbs lighter. How do I start over? I wasn't done having kids but not sure if I want two baby daddies. I'm scared of making another mistake. Scared of my son getting attached to some one and 6,8,10 years we split, and my son gets hurt again. Scared of bringing new babies in the world and then that daddy doesn't work out either. Scared of my son getting mistreated or abused. Scared of critism. Scared of having a new family so soon, and how others will percieve it. Most importantly I'm scared of being verbally and physically abused again.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:32 PM on Dec. 5, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Hun take it one step at a time or you'll drive yourself nuts. Just do what's best for you and your little one, if anyone mistreats you or him, you leave. You never really know how one will turn out, not at first anyway. Just take it one step at a time, nothing is guaranteed anyway
    Lizamafers

    Answer by Lizamafers at 8:36 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • well make sure that the men you date are good men and most likely who you are attracted to won't be. sounds like you need to work on your self worth and get some counseling. what i would do is take it one day at a time.first take the time to concentrate on you and your son for awhile. no need to get involved with a man right away. don't have sex with any man till your married and if they leave then you have some security in the form of alimony and CS ETC. don't bring men around that you don't see as serious so he doesn't get hurt much and make sure that this mean are prime examples of men and not losers. loser would be any drug use, doesn't have some education and who doesn't have some faith or belief in god. must have a car and trying to maintain a job although now days that's almost impossible. GL
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 8:48 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Thanks for the advice. I'm starting to get involved into church alot more I am christian, and I'm planning on getting baptized and saved this month. Once I renounce my faith I don't want to turn back. That means no sex before marriage. I don't date unless I've known the person @least 1yr. Thats a rule I've always had. I've only been in two relationships and my ex I knew for 2years and my current 1 and a half years. Although they still were'nt the right kind of guys. I want someone thats into church but sometimes those are the worst of them all. Of course no drugs not even weed <------learned that one the hard way. And of couse some eduation including hs diploma&a trade,as I do and/or some college. And of course be able to support his self.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:01 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I wouldn't rush into anything, especially since you have been in abusive relationships. You have at least 20 years to have babies. When you hit mid 35 the urge will be even stronger to have kids. For one you have to be sure that the man you are involved in doesn't fall into "your" type. There is no need to rush in to another relationship. You should spend sometime on yourself and try to figure out why you get into these type of relationships. Being by yourself does wonders for figuring out what and who you want for yourself. GL
    Alma_C

    Answer by Alma_C at 9:03 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I don't plan on dating for the next two years so nothing until 2011. I'm definently not rushing in to anything. I've always had these standards that I was willing to live by now I'm in a constant battle with myself to not go against myself(makes sense?). I vowed that I'd never have babies by two different men. Or raise my son with a guy other than his father under the same roof. Or get married while my son was under 18. I don't want to be a hypocrite. But I had this dream of having a family and I'm not sure if I want to be lonely for the next 16 years. And then there is accepting the fact that I'll never give birth again, ever. Just because I made bad judgement in the person that I had a my first child by.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:14 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • You have some valid points. Once in an abusive relationship it becomes familiar and it's always possible to repeat the mistake. Once away from this one take time to get to know yourself again. Congrats on the weight loss btw. You will become independent and your confidence will grow and men are attracted to that. Be selective. Ask others their opinion about the guy you might be thinking of getting involved with. If possible, talk to his former gf's. Check to see if he has a criminal record for domestic abuse (or anything for that matter). My biggest help was asking others. They seem to see things I don't and they have always been right and kept me from harm a lot. Once they can show you what they see (or how they see it) then you can choose a good man on your own. Don't cheat your son out of a great family and loving home out of fear.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:59 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • I really commend you for wanting to do whats right and make a fresh start. You have some wonderful goals. Begin with just taking the first step. Once you do that all else falls into place. No one deserves abuse and you have recognized that. Heres a word of advice from a seasoned mom and grandmom. Fear is the only thing that will hold you back from succeeding. Just be careful when you do begin to date. Dont let anyone meet your son until youre ready and you see that its worthy for you. I do wish you much success in 2009, its your time to shine!
    VaDivaMom

    Answer by VaDivaMom at 12:44 AM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • Wow. It sounds like this guy really hurt you. The only way to move on is to forgive him and yourself. No you do NOT have to forget, but you must forgive or you won't be able to move on. If you find yourself a TRUE Christian man, he will never hurt you the way you have been hurt. I know that you are going to have a hard time learning to trust again, and it will take time, but you can move on and you will find a good man. Keep going to church, put your trust in God, live for God, put God first in your life and next your son. When you can truly be happy being alone, then God will bring you a man that you can put first in your life, next to Him of course. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to talk or need someone to pray with or vent to.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 1:04 AM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • Sweetheart dont be so hard on yourself. You are doing what needs to be done to get into a better situation but dont fight things so hard. Dont set yourself into such a strict schedule and also there are good men out there. I dont want you to think that if in 5 years or 2 years you find a guy and then say i cant because i have this schedule, dont let anything pass you by live in the present not the past and dont agonize over the future it will make you miserable. I learned the hard way. I let a really great man go because I was on a schedule when my son's father and I split. I have been lucky enough to find someone that helps me and my son and loves my son as if he is own child. He is always there for us.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:49 AM on Dec. 6, 2008

  • Not my son's father he put me through a wall it was about a year after we split.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:50 AM on Dec. 6, 2008

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