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2 Bumps

Jealous of my SIL and hubby's relationship

About 10 years ago my BIL died and my husband and I kinda stepped in to help my SIL. She and my hubby had grown up close and so it was only natural - I get that. However, I feel like there is now 3 people in this marriage and it is really getting to me. I love her to death, but she relies way too much on him and is now starting to make little digs at me ("we're so close" or "if he dies you'll have to bury me too"). I have tried and tried over the years to see it for what it is: sibling love. But he is much, much closer to her than he is to me, he would prefer talking to her (he says that's not true but the writing is on the wall), etc. She also likes to point out that she has raised my children, too and tends to know them better than I do. Which is completely false - they do go over to her house sometimes on the weekend but she certainly didn't "raise" them.

So: I've tried to talk to DH and SIL over the years and both have pretty much said it's my problem - not theirs. I've tried to be understanding and accommodating but I've about had it. My hubby did make the comment that ever since my mom died (in 2003) I haven't really been the same. Which is true: she was my best friend. Now I just feel lonely.

Anyone else in a similar situation? How have you handled it? Bear in mind that I have tried to talk to these people and they don't get it...I'm the one with the problem, apparently. Thanks!!


Asked by Anonymous at 8:03 AM on May. 13, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • With all respect to your mother, do you think that you and your mother's relationship YOU relied on TOO MUCH?....kind of like your husband and his sister rely on each other way too much? Now that your mother has gone, you finally needed your husband how you should have needed him when your mother was alive, and now he's the only one with someone else to rely on? You both have relied on someone else the whole time and now that you don't have someone else, your jealous of their relationship.

    Nobody should get in the way of two people in a marriage. Not your mother and not his sister. I'm not sure what the solution is besides your husband needing to realize that you need to be #1 in his life for the sake of your marriage and your children.
    I only say these things because it's time you understand where he's coming from, how the dynamic in your relationship is good or bad, and what things need to change.

    Answer by BeachyBabe at 8:19 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • well this kind of sounds like a spin off of momma's boy syndrome... sister's syndrome? the way he sides with her and refuses to accept your concerns as something real, is a problem. my husband does this to me with his mother. the comment she made about raising your kids was rude and your husband should've defended you. i don't have much advice, things probably won't change unless he wants them to. i'm sorry you're dealing with this and so sorry about your loss.

    Answer by tnm786 at 8:15 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • They are brother and sister and have told you they have always been close. Just because you marry someone else doesnt mean that bond ends. My two oldest are the same way. She is married and my son lives with her and her husband. There is absolutely nothing that will come between my kids, and her husband accepts that. In fact he admires the fact my dd has such a strong sense of commitment to her brother and family. I doubt this situation is going to change for you. He and her have been close and will remain that way. You have two choices. Learn to accept it and deal with it or divorce him.

    Answer by gemgem at 8:18 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • She should respect the fact that it's affecting your marriage and should step back and let you both try and fix things. After all he married you, not you and his Sister. You're all adults, and should act as such, and that doesn't mean just you. It seems some people take their vows lightly (not you). Your Husband should put your needs before hers, no matter what kind of bond he has with his Sister. I think it's BS that he's putting her before you. I would put it to him bluntly, either put you first, or it's time to move on. My Husband has a Sister, has helped her out in different ways, but in no way would he put her needs before mine. It's not fair to you, or your marriage. GL

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 8:35 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • First of all I don't think it's YOUR probablem, so they are wrong on that. Hmmm maybe they've always been that close and she that snotty you just started seeing it since you lost your mom? I didn't have this exact issue, but my X and x MIL were grossly close and it caused major fights between myself and the X , myself and the XMIL. I tend to not have the best answers in these situations b/c I'm a smartass which doesn't get me anywhere. What I'd WANT to do is just start moving his clothes into her house, and when they ask what's up, just say, might as well, seems like you're needed there more! But that'll only make it worse I suppose. Sounds like they're both stubborn about admitting it, so they're may not be a way without confrontation. So sorry, I hope you can get through to him, good luck momma

    Answer by yesmaam at 8:14 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Maybe your dh is right about you changing after you mother died. Who wouldn't change?
    Try to be more open to the fact that your sister will be there for your family for a long time. Unless she finds someone who she can share her life with. Is your sister dating?

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:16 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • she probably feels like your family is all she has left of her husband

    Answer by shay1130 at 8:19 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • She needs to back off a tad for sure.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:29 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Move away. That's the only real solution to this problem. If your DH won't side with you than move. Give him the option to join you and the kids. The only other thing you could do is get the SIL into a serious relationship with someone else, but I suspect that as long as your DH is in her life she's not really emotionally available for a relationship. So, get online, post your resume, and find an amazing job in another state that you can't possibly turn down.

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 9:32 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Thank you guys for your time and thoughts! It would be so very nice if she would find someone else. She has 2 grown kids (one of whom is living with her and pregnant - hooray.) But at any rate, I have hoped to move away from here for some time - at least maybe a little closer to DH's work. She lives right next door to her mother (my MIL) and sister (another SIL) so she has plenty of other people to rely on. BUT - they have always been close and that will never change. I just wish she would really stop rubbing it into my face, though, and telling me about how she raised my kids. I think that's what gets my goat: she "knows" my kids better than I do.

    Thanks again, ladies - have good days.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:47 AM on May. 14, 2011