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My druggie and alcoholic abusive mother wants to see my baby

Growing up with my mom was hard she always lied to me about my dad wanting nothing to do with me she was verbally abusive towards me always went out partying and brought home different guys from the bar every night that I had to watch them beat her and she does heroin. She has never seen my daughter Aly before and now wants to see her when we go visit mine and my fiancees families in England over the holidays. She told me that it would mean the world to her to see her granddaughter(shes still got a drug problem btw) and my fiancee called her back and told her flat out no that he didnt want me or his daughter around her and she told me that she was my mom and she just wanted to see Aly for once. Still my fiancee refused. I never had a relationship with my mom and she was the reason I left England. But I felt kind of bad about it. Should I feel bad? Or should I stick beside my fiancee on this one?


Asked by Anonymous at 8:57 PM on Dec. 5, 2008 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • Stick by your fiance.
    What positive attributes would she bring to you, your fiance and being apart of your DD life? If you randomly met her, would you want her to have a relationship with your DD? Being a blood relative isn't enough of a reason.
    She sounds like she's toxic and has lied to you in the past. Who's to say she isn't lying now.
    And the fact that she still has a drug and alcohol problem, do you really want that around your child.
    Don't feel sorry for her just because she gave birth to you. She's already proven that she wasn't a good parent to you.

    Answer by nwdeserangel at 9:12 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • well i dont want to pry into any one's business too much but your daughter really isnt going to be abused by her or maybe not even look up to her if she doesnt see her as much as it seems, so i guess one little visit might not hurt but i woudnt ruin your relationship with fiance over this matter.
    If your mother's the kind of person that keeps on pushing and pushing, i wouldnt even start such a matter but i mean my hubby's uncle does bad stuff ( not abusive) but he hangs around my kids sometimes with us around and thats it, his own kids dont want nothing to do with him though.

    Answer by americansugar80 at 9:09 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • "My basic principle is that you don't make decisions because they are easy; you don't make them because they are cheap; you don't make them because they're popular; you make them because they are right."      

    ~Theodore Hesburgh~


    Answer by Southerncharmes at 9:09 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • It is really your choice if you want to see your mom, I can see your fiance wanting to protect you and if he is your babys dad then he has a say in if she sees her but ultimately you have to make the decision so you do not hold it against him. About 6 years ago I decided to cut all ties with my mother, there was huge family tragedy that I felt she handled very badly and she refused to talk to any of her 3 adult children about her choices. Also her and my step dad and his kids are all alcoholics and I decided that if they were not related I would not want my son being raised around them or want to be around them myself so why keep doing it just because they are related. Sometimes I do wonder and think well I could just pick up the phone and call then I realize that no good would come of it we live in neighboring towns and I do run into her sometimes and it is awkward to say the least. Hope this helps.

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 9:13 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • She is your mother no matter what she has done..My mom was a drug addict also and GAVE me away..Just handed me off. BUT I will say she is the best person i know now...She made a mistake and she has fixed it. One time wont hurt..Wouldn it be nice to have at least one picture?You will be with your mom and its not like she is gonna just shoot up in front of you and every one lol.

    Answer by ryanlynn at 9:15 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • My grandmother is far from being perfect...she is on as many pills as she can get prescribed to her and she routinely ODs on them. I would never in a million years leave my daughter with her, and I can honestly say I'm not thrilled about having to see her myself...but she gets more joy in that hour she sees my daughter than she does anytime between our visits. I have told her that if she is high or smoking when we are there, I will leave with my daughter and she literally cleans herself up and cleans the house and makes a real effort to pull herself together for the privilege of seeing my daughter. Obviously your mother BLEW IT with you and was so horrible and wrong to you...but your daughter might be what really motivates her to change and do/want better for herself. I would completely understand a decision either way.

    Answer by kabbot01 at 9:16 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Wow tough one : ( You could meet her in a public place for a bit and let her see your daughter with your fiance' there if possible. I would NOT see her alone and you pick the place and have your Mom get there on her own. You don't want to pick her up on her familiar ground...probably not safe! She doesn't have any rights to your daughter but I'm sure she loves you and the baby the only way she's capable of loving. Having said that, your daughters Daddy is probably afraid of the situation and for very good reason.

    Answer by happy2bme7 at 9:22 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Cont.......... Try to see if the two of you can come to some sort of compromise about seeing her or completely decide to flat out not see her. Whatever decision you make be sure you can live with or it will eat you up inside.
    I've got alcoholism and drug abuse riddle throughout my family and I know it's difficult and heart aching to deal with the abusers. They made their choices regarding their life and now it has to be about YOU and yours. Best of luck : )

    Answer by happy2bme7 at 9:23 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • This really depends on how you feel about it. Your fiancee has a right to his feelings, but ultimately it is your mother and you should have the final say. You have had a rocky relationship with your mother and it sounds like you don't trust her very much. You would be perfectly within your rights to say that you don't want her around your daughter unless she has cleaned her act up. Make sure that it is what you want though and not just what your fiancee wants. If you do decide to let her meet your daughter, do it in a public place and put a strict time limit on it so that you don't feel trapped. Good luck! I'm sorry things have been so hard for you in the past.

    Answer by beckcorc at 9:49 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

  • Send pix or videos. Tell her to clean her act up and she can see the baby in person. Give her a reason to quit the drugs. Everyone needs an incentive to stop doing something harmful they are addicted to.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:49 PM on Dec. 5, 2008

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