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How can we get on the same level without fighting with the ex?

My ex and I have two totally different set of rules, okay more like I have rules and he has one rule: Don't bug him while he is on the computer or watching TV/playing his games (he is 28).

DD always comes back from visiting him in a pullup (shes 5 and a half!) with dirty clothes and this princess "I can do whatever I want to" attitude because her Dad just doesn't care enough to set up rules. it drives me nuts for 2-3 days until I can get her back to normal!

How do I get our rules and households on a close to the same page level without fighting with him?

When I bring up the pullup and the dirty clothes he get defensive and accuses me of being controlling and unfair to him because he can't figure out how to make sure she goes to the bathroom and get her dressed everyday.

What can I do? I'm about to go to the courts and ask that he gets no visitation or custody what-so-ever!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:47 AM on May. 13, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • I'm afraid that you can't "make the rules the same" in each household (BELIEVE me - I really WISH it was possible!!)

    According to our Child Psychologist, only if the child is in DANGER can you intercede. You can make a clear statement that she should have clean clothes on, but really, even that wouldn't probably stand up in court as an endangerment to your child (as stupid as that sounds).

    He has a right to see her, & you can't change his behaviour (or you'd probably still be together right?). It sucks, but all you can really do is make sure she has LOTS of clean clothes with her.

    As far as how to deal with it when she gets home, what we have to do is be SUPER strict the first day she's back...all rules followed to the letter, or immediate consequences. We also talked about how different rules apply in different contexts. CALMLY explain your rules over and over (I know it's hard to keep your cool, but try :) Hope this helps
    livewell

    Answer by livewell at 10:31 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • tell him his behavior is damaging to his child, and ask if he's okay with that. tell him it's not okay to put a 5 and a half year old in a pullup (assuming shes potty trained) and stare at a box all day. this is a form of neglect, and i would also bring it up to the courts. but, make sure you can prove it.
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 9:50 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • When you figure out how to reason with an ex, you let me know.... I'm having my own issues.
    And I totally feel with ya when you have to "deprogram" your kids when coming back from ex..... but in my case, she has him for almost 2 weeks before.... and we are the ones with just the weekend visitation trying to get him to calm down and not be in such a hurried state of mind all the time.

    Good Luck!
    MrsDAP

    Answer by MrsDAP at 9:55 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Document everything. I started emailing my ex about issues because that way I had a record of what was said. I totally understand about them coming home in a different mood though. Mine are 9, 11, and 13 and still come home from weekend visits with an "attitude". I know where it's coming from and I try to be understanding while still enforcing the rules at our house.
    Take him back to court. I got my ex's visitation reduced. If he can't take care of her while she's there, then she shouldn't be there.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 9:58 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • take him back to court on the bases of he cant take proper care of her while she is there then theres no need for her to be there period.....my ex only get 3hrs in public (semi-supervised) visits a week because he didnt listen....good luck
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 10:18 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • She has tons of clean clothes and is fully potty trained when she is here but two weeks during the summer and one weekend a month she is back to being a baby in a diaper and PJ's or the clothes i dropped her off in. I don't want the exact same rules but normal ones would be nice
    No jumping on the beds
    don't color on papers that you randomly find
    don't talk back and whine
    brush your teeth
    get dressed everyday and jammies every night.

    I'm not asking the world just the little things that every child should know.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:36 AM on May. 13, 2011

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