Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Feeling really stupid now. can anyone justify this for me or did i do something awful?

as some of you might know from my posts my husband and i separated on sunday due to his addiction to marijuana and his ptsd issues that cause him to be aggressive toward the kids (mainly if he doesn't have his happy drug - marijuana) so we had two ongoing problems. the ptsd he wasn't taking seriously enough to go and get real help with the VA - they have on-call professionals for when it gets bad and he didn't take advantage of any of that. i've been putting up with his PTSD for 2 years and tired of the walking on egg shells and the way he treats the kids.

anyway- he's been staying with his mom since sunday. his main reasoning was to get cleaned up and stop spending all our money on weed. he wanted to go thru the withdrawal process there instead of here. i do respect that decision. but i also told him he cannot come back until he gets REAL help for his PTSD. he wasn't thrilled about that but i told him our children should not have to suffer anymore emotional abuse.

my dad worked at the VA for over 30 years and is retired. he was able to pull some strings by calling the Head Office of the VA in Washington and get him an appointment this morning at 8am. My husband was like "well he didn't need to do that" and didn't seem really grateful, but as long as he went was all that mattered. so by 10am when i hadn't heard from him, i tried giving him a call and no answer. my mind immediately thought he was still in bed sleeping, blowing off this major appointment. i also text his mom to see if she knew if he made it - and of course - the bitch ignored me.

well, i called the office he went to and spoke to the receptionist. he said he's pretty sure he made it but he would put me through to the psychologist he spoke with personally. i tried to tell him that wasn't necessary - if my husband's name rang bells then it's likely he was there. but he insisted on putting me thru anyway - saying it was no problem. i should've just hung up when i was on hold, the psychologist made me feel like an idiot. he said he was there, and asked if my husband doesn't communicate with me on these things. which he doesn't, but it felt more like a jab at me. like "no wonder he doesn't - you're stalking him" type of thing. i told him basically my husband has missed his PTSD appointments before, I couldn't reach him and since this was a major appointment in more ways than one, i was getting concerned. The guy just made me feel like a total ass, and a stupid one at that.

Should I have just left well enough alone - or, given my husband's track record - would you have done the same?

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 10:34 AM on May. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (26)
  • I would have waited, eventually I would have found out. Honey, he has to get better by himself in order for it to be a lasting result. I have no doubt that you love him, but the more you push at him, the more you try to "control" his recovery, the more you are going to push him away and eventually the freedom he has is going to seem like the lesser of two evils. People who have PTSD have to find it in themselves to want to get help for themselves first. It's like an addict, you have to want to change before it will stick. Let him know that you will stand by him, you'll be there for him throughout his treatment....but he has to be the one to do it.... It also sounds like just maybe you need to find someone to talk to while this process is going on.... Find a good counselor that you can talk to, so you aren't stressed out to much. Good luck sweetheart, it's a long and heartbreaking road to recovery.
    kitchenwitch78

    Answer by kitchenwitch78 at 10:50 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I think the reason the phycologist may have come off as irritated, is because of the confidentiality issue. He probably was uncomfortable, because him telling you that your husband was there is actually a borderline confidentiality issue. However, I do understand why you did what you did. I don't really have tons of great advice. I wish I had the magic "thing" for you! I really do! All I can say is keep your head up, and stick to your guns. :)
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 10:49 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • OK...psychopharmocology major here....

    Marijuana is good for PTSD. I have a friend, in Washington State..he is older, in his mid 60's almost 70 maybe. He has suffered from PTSD since his days in Vietnam. He has tried many different types of medication that never worked for him. Finally, his Dr. prescribed him some marijuana. Just an FYI....it's the only thing he has ever taken that works for him. He does not smoke it though, he eats it. But, I'm sure smoking it would work too.
    Anyhow, you probably live in a state where it's not legal...which i understand your concern. But, your husband is probably just medicating himself & rightful so. I can tell you right now that marijuana is much less harmful that those medications his Dr. will prescribe him. They have many ill side effects & i can guarantee you that he will not like them.

    It was a lifesaver for Jack...
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 10:52 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I probably would have waited until I head from my husband. But then again I haven't had to deal with ptsd.
    kaylan010

    Answer by kaylan010 at 10:37 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • i'd do the same, these are your kids and you don't want them to grow up with anxiety always worrying about when he will snap next
    zoejains_momma

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 10:38 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Nobody can make you feel stupid but yourself. Don't give them permission to do that, OK? So you husband has PTSD, and he is self-medicating with pot (using pot instead of taking prescribed med/therapy for PTSD). Obviously, you care a lot about your husband and want to try and do what is best for you family, and because your Dad pulled some strings you wanted to make sure that the pothead showed up. I probably would do the same thing in your shoes. The psychologist at the VA doesn't know you, isn't going to get your side of the story, and the fact is, who cares? If you husband gets the help he needs, do you really care what some dude at the VA thinks? I hope it works out for you, and I really really hope your husband gets better. It's a shame we can't do better for our vets. They deserve it. Hang in there mama!
    dwmom2008

    Answer by dwmom2008 at 10:40 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I would have done the same thing...
    Helen2004

    Answer by Helen2004 at 10:41 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I would have called to. giving your dh's record you were not in the wrong or stalking by just wanting to make sure he went to the appt.
    momto4girzls

    Answer by momto4girzls at 10:41 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I may have waited a little longer before blowing up everyones phone. I wouldn't worry too much about it as long as in the future you can have some sort of arrangement with you husband that he will send you a quick text when he gets to his appt and then one after to tell you who it went. Just make sure that he understands that its not that you don't trust him it's that you care about him and you know it will help.
    2murphyboys

    Answer by 2murphyboys at 10:42 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • Don't worry about what other people think about you, they aren't going through what you are. I would have done the same exact thing, especially with the track record you explained. I think your husband and mother in law are not going to take control, so you have to do it. Hopefully one day if he gets better he will be grateful you pushed him to get treatment. People don't understand the problems you get with drug users, and you HAVE to keep on them to get better, they won't do it themselves.
    siera_lyn

    Answer by siera_lyn at 10:47 AM on May. 13, 2011

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN