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3 Bumps

Another's Adopted Child

DD's pre-school went to the zoo yesterday. In walking around, we came up to the family of a little girl that DD is friends with in class ('A'). We stopped at a table so the girls could eat Dippy Dots and we got to talking. Turns out they adopted 'A.' It was a situation to where they were friends with the BMom and were asked by her if they wanted to adopt the baby. This friend now lives in CA (we are in OH) and visits once every couple of years...she is known as "Aunt ___." 'A' does not know she is adopted.

She said she wanted to wait until 'A' was old enough to understand it before she told her that she was adopted and that Aunt ___ is really her BMom. I pointed out to her that DD has known she was adopted from the get-go and knows who her BMom is. 'A' is 4 months younger than DD and they are both going to Kindergarten next year. To show the mom that 'A' wasn't too young to know about and start to understand about her adoption, I asked DD to tell me about her adoption. So she speaks up "J and J are my brothers and A is my birthmom. I get to play with J when we visit. Mommy, when are we going to see J again?" I don't know if it did any good in making her rethink things, but I'm not going to harp on her about the benefits of never having that "What? I'm adopted? You lied to me!" moment during our first time meeting.

So this morning DD and I are talking about how fun the zoo was and she says all happily "'A' is adopted like me!" My heart sank. I don't want to tell her not to talk about it because I don't in any way want her to think that her adoption is anything to be ashamed of, but I'm just picturing DD saying something to 'A' about it and that causing all sorts of problems. But yet add a however much time until this mom tells 'A' she is adopted and her telling DD and DD saying "I know"...well, that would cause problems in their friendship. I'm almost secretly hoping that this friendship doesn't last to avoid any future problems, but yet I love the idea that DD very well may grow up very close to someone else who is adopted.

Advice?

 
AllAboutKeeley

Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 11:20 AM on May. 13, 2011 in Adoption

Level 33 (59,874 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I wouldn't worry about it. Kids are much more perceptive than we give them credit for. I wouldn't be surprised if A's Bmom had already told her or the child had figured it out. You know, if this woman blames you for something she is clearly just projecting her own insecurities about being a "real mom" onto you. I don't understand why they had never told the child in the first place, it's not the best way to start a relationship with a child. You are only as sick as your secrets.
    dwmom2008

    Answer by dwmom2008 at 11:28 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • The problem with a secret is, its no a secret anymore if somebody else knows about it. This child is going to end up hearing it from another person other then her adoptive mom. And then mom is going to have to deal with it. If she didnt want the child to know until whatever-age then she shouldn't have told ANYONE else she was adopted. If your child "spills the beans" so to speak, its mom's fault not your child's.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:58 PM on May. 13, 2011

  • my mom had my brother are 15 so my grandmother raised him.. well the entire 19 years of his life he thought my mom was his sister.. and he thought he was my uncle, until it came out when he was 19... he was PISSED he wouldnt talk to anyone for a VERY LONG time. he eventually got over it and is okay with it now..

    3HappylKidds

    Answer by 3HappylKidds at 11:35 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I certainly wouldn't ask your daughter not to say anything. First it's not fair and second, like you already pointed out, it might send her the message that there's something shameful in being adopted. There's no reason why you should do anything to help this mother with her secret. The only thing that you might want to consider is telling her that your daughter is excited about "A" being adopted and is likely to say something. Then it's up to her to worry about it. Good luck.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 4:08 PM on May. 13, 2011

  • I agree with the others. The little girls deserves to know the truth while she is young.
    daddysgirl17

    Answer by daddysgirl17 at 4:39 PM on May. 13, 2011

  • I wouldn't ask my daughter to keep it quiet - I agree with OTT - that lends to the idea that there's something shameful or to hide - and there's NOTHING shameful about being adopted. I believe that sometimes people just don't approach the subject because they don't know what to say.... but that usually backfires. Maybe she will learn from your family's example - being open and honest is best. :) Good luck to you. :)
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 8:20 PM on May. 13, 2011

  • I knew from the time I was two and every year after it.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:27 AM on May. 13, 2011

  • I would just sit quietly by and let this little scenario play out without any input from me.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 11:36 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • Wait, I'm confused. How does your daughter know that "A" is adopted???

    It sounds like "A" might not be as clueless as BM thinks she is.

    I used to never understand the point of keeping adoption from kids, but that was before I ran into so many adults who think their entire lives were ruined by being adopted. Now I have to wonder, if you could keep the secret forever, TRULY keep it, would it be better for the child not to know?

    Of course, if the secret is bound to come out, it's MUCH better to never have it be secret at all.
    DDDaysh

    Answer by DDDaysh at 11:39 PM on May. 13, 2011

  • DD knows that 'A' is adopted because she was sitting right there when her mom and I were talking about it.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Comment by AllAboutKeeley (original poster) at 11:48 PM on May. 13, 2011

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