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Should i continue to write him, or no?

DS's bio-dad is in jail. he plays no major role in DS's life.. although personally, i'd like to change that. he'd 'like to' as well- but he was always getting in trouble, doing drugs, etc-- in the past, that prevented it. as far as i know/hope, he's off drugs.. just waiting for his sentencing which could be the final 2 months in rehab, or prison time (2-6 years).

I want him to do good; stay clean, accomplish everything. I care about him, no doubt. But he wont be involved with DS until he can prove he'll stay clean, etc.... Anyways!

So I wrote him; just a friendly note- what i expected from him, how he hurt me (again) by going to jail, whats going on with DS, etc. He wrote back that he cant wait til he holds me in his arms, to kiss me, etc. i wrote NOTHING sexual to him.

He knows I'm in a relationship- knows i'd never get back together with him... but has it that we belong together, that i will be his wife, him my husband, etc..

Should i stop writing him? it's the only way he knows about DS-- which lets face it, i personally feel he has NO RIGHT to know about DS... but its not about me and my desires-- its about DS, and should he want to see/know his BD, he should have that option, right? (BD does write little notes at teh end of each letter for DS to read and respond to)

to DS, BD is just a guy-- the guy may come around, may not.. might write, might not, etc. DS does know that thats his dad- some days, he shows interest in him, other days- most days- DS wants nothing to do with him. DS is 5.

Answer Question

Asked by Shy_Dia at 10:39 PM on May. 14, 2011 in Relationships

Level 15 (2,142 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • It's called Jail Talk and he'll write it to every woman who writes him (Been there, had that done). Walk away and quit writing.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • Maybe instead of you writing, you could have DS "write" the letters to his father? Either let DS dictate to you & you write it out or just write the letter from the point of view of a child. Or have DS draw a picture for his father or if you take DS somewhere, like an amusement park, pick up a postcard w/a picture of the place on it & have DS copy a short note onto the back saying he was there & had fun or something, then sign it...stuff like that. This way, you are totally out of the picture, but DS still has contact w/his father.

    Answer by mom2aspclboy at 10:48 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • Write one very short note clarifying that there will be no relationship with him after he's clean and out of jail. If he persists, drop the contact. If your son mentions at any point that he'd like to send his BD a letter, of course he'll be free to do that but if he responds, screen the letter first. (You'd do that, I'm sure but had to say it)

    Good luck!

    Answer by Nonoluna at 10:48 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • lol totally aware of Jail Talk- havent been there, done that.. but my best friend is on death row so i get the 'inside scoop' on it all basically, from the guy's POV... like how they do it, etc.

    I wrote before mainly b/c of the lack of support that BD has (when he was in rehab). his mom is really far away, sick and struggling to hold her own.. his 'dad' (step, but the only one he knows), calls him worthless, a POS, that he'll amount to nothing, he should just go off and kill himself, etc. the rest of his family/friends are all doing drugs. i mean, even while he was in rehab, his friends still talked about their recent drug use, etc. it's like i'm literally his only positive support system; which personally, i dont mind if it'll mean that he'll get his life straightened out.

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 10:53 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • (aside from our 5 year old, he has a 6 year old DS and a 4 year old DD-- all different moms; all moms are on drugs, the 4 year old is in foster care)... but i dont want my support being taken as a possible future for us. is that even possible?

    the last time he did drugs was in Nov/Dec 2010.. went into rehab mid-Dec and has been off drugs since... (i say that b/c i know drugs will make you say/do things you dont normally do... like he's not withdrawing right now and just trying to get any female possible.. if that makes sense. lol)

    Comment by Shy_Dia (original poster) at 10:56 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • I think you need to leave you out of the letters. What he did to you is past, don't talk about how he hurt you. Focus on the relationship with his son and how you will support that "if..." I know he doesn't have a lot of support, but don't drag your current relationship down to boost up an unreliable man, even if he is your sons father. He is obviously diluted into thinking there is still something between you, if there isn't and you've made it clear you need to distance yourself.

    Answer by camiam81 at 11:51 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • i think that if he is showing at least some interest in learning about his child you should give him updates, but as personal as you want it to be...if you ever need to talk im here!

    Answer by MamaSusieQ045 at 11:57 PM on May. 14, 2011

  • i think u should write him 2 update him on ur son and relationship with DS only..nothing about yourself bc thats like giving him false hope in a way.. and im sure ur SO will eventually get jealous and so on..mayb he could start 2 think u want ur sons BF instead of the whole story so not sure..but def say keep it about DS..

    Answer by Heather021287 at 12:25 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • When my ex and I split up, he ended up in jail. When I wrote to him, I didn't talk about anything except the kids. When I filed for divorce, I would talk about that, but only the legal stuff that needed to be talked about - how to divide stuff, where to sign, etc. No "you hurt me when..." or "I wish..." or anything like that - they're desperate for anything to cling to, and even though you know you don't want a relationship with them, they're going to look at that and convince themselves you do.

    I would write only about your son. Not a single personal thing about you. If he writes back and asks about you, I wouldn't respond to that. I'd only respond to things that refer to your son. If he persists anyway, then I'd start having your son write him.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 7:18 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • I like Mom2's idea, just have ds write his father. You don't write or respond, even if he drags you into it! Have ds draw pics, write letters about his day, but you never write him again and discuss anything else but your ds. That way there will be no confusion as to where he stands.

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 10:14 AM on May. 15, 2011

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