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Our visitation schedule needs to change

My ex lives about 4-5 hours away. I feel that a standard long distance schedule just won't work for us. Reason, my ex comes down when he feels like it (this is where his friends are too) and most the time doesn't even tell me he is here. Since March 1st, he has been here 4 times (that I KNOW about), 3 of them were his weekends, 1 was mine. The 1 that was mine was the ONLY time I knew he was in town and I gave him an extra visit (the others I found out later, small town). Right now, he is ordered EOW, daytime visits (1-5pm). I will call him on Wednesday on the weeks of his weekends and ask him if he plans on coming, he will say "I'll come if I come and if I do and I show up to pick her up, you better be there" so I have to spend EOW not making plans and I have to be home at 1pm on Sat and Sun and wait about an hour to see if he will show up. It's also not fair to my DD, she hates going over there and EOW I have to tell her IDK if he is showing up we will just have to wait and see (I guess it would be worse if she wanted to go and she was disappointed EOW). I am thinking about just asking when we go to mediation that we do an "as available" visitation schedule, meaning he tells me X amount of days before he comes down and we work out at least one visit for that weekend or he tells my X amount of days before he can come on HIS weekend or he looses that weekend visitation. At this point, do you think that is fair or even something a judge wil go for? I just don't know what else to do, I can't spend my life sitting around waiting to see if he shows up.

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Asked by JLS2388 at 9:45 AM on May. 15, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • I would definitely bring up the fact that he does not tell you if he is coming, but does tell you "I'll come if I come and if I do and I show up to pick her up, you better be there". That is not fair to the child. She has the right to know what her plans are for the weekend. A child should have that kind of stability.

    Answer by layh41407 at 9:48 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • I hope you have documented every time he comes/doesn't come/says he coming and doesn't/comes and doesn't tell you/etc.

    Answer by MommyH2 at 9:53 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • Yep, I have proof he came and didn't see my DD also that he didn't even make it to town for the other visits

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 9:55 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • I definitely think that it is fair. Not only because it puts you out, but because it is a constant disappointment to your child when you have tog et her packed up and around to visit her father who doesn't show up.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:00 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • Well it's just 1-5 pm so she doesn't pack and it's not a disappointment (she hates going) but I feel like our lives have to stop EOW in CASE he comes.

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:04 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • My kids would get brithday invitations from class-mates and ask, who's weekend is this on. Cuz if was the x weekend, they knew they couldn't go.
    Yes, you should return for mediation. Its only going to harder when she's older and there is sports, church and school events that happen on the weekends.
    Best of luck

    Answer by SassySue123 at 10:07 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • Yeah, I feel bad because if she gets a birthday invite on his weekend I always have to say "we would love to come if he doesn't show up." then we still can't leave for the party till after 1pm. It would be one thing if he would let me know if he was coming but he won't

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:10 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • It might not be fair but the situation is not that unusual sadly. My ex used to do the same thing and I went for sole custody and won.

    Answer by gemgem at 10:11 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • BTW,where I live, if a child is invited to a Birthday Party and wants to go, it does NOT matter 'whose weekend' it is on. The child does have the right to go. It is an attachment that they put on everyone's order that states that the child's schedule must be consulted. So if the child has a sporting event, or a party or whatever, they child can go not matter who is supposed to have them.

    Answer by layh41407 at 10:52 AM on May. 15, 2011

  • I'd probably seek some legal counsel and get visitation rules in writing. He shouldn't be allowed to put your child on hold.

    Answer by meooma at 10:54 AM on May. 15, 2011

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