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Long weekend for my marriage...(long) adult content

DH and I have both been stressed and frustrated. We have house projects that need to be done, and I can no longer help with I'm 36 weeks pregnant and we have a 5 year old. Anyhow we had an argument Thursday, which to resolve he chaulked it up to just my being pregnant and hormonal. Which added to my, I am never going to be heard!

Because things haven't been done at the house my mom injected herself and pissed him off Friday. Friday night I snooped a bit and found inappropriate emails on his facebook with a former coworker the theme was "pretty much why didn't we hook up," and she said she would've if she wasn't attached, and it didn't bother her he was attached as long as they didn't get caught because she didn't like drama. I was pissed. I checked his email account, then call record and texts on his cell, there was nothing else. This email exchange happened Friday afternoon/evening when DD was amusing herself, and instead of doing the yard things he said he was going to do (I was napping because I had made an emergency trip to the hospital because of blood pressure issues).

I was pissed. Hurt. This isn't the first time either. Before our wedding I had found an email exchange with someone he was friends (which means had a crush on) with in high school. Conveniently he doesn't seem to remember we covered emails/emotional cheating/etc. then. As we did when he was still going onto dating websites well into our relationship, though he said this weekend the profiles were still there but he didn't go on them.

We have been married for about 4 years, we have been together for almost 8. In our first year of dating (we met through online dating) it was a mostly sexual relationship, casual and out of convenience. He cheated on me in that first year, oral sex with an ex, I found text messages. We took a time out, initially I was going to leave but I decided that as long as the relationship changed, he put in plenty of effort into the relationship and regaining my trust, etc I would stay with him. So the worst part of this is I regret that decision. The next part is I feel he needs serious reprecussions.

When I woke him up to go over this, I told him I wanted a divorce. I told him I have been so frustrated for so long, but have been willing to communicate, keep trying etc, but if he would like to look at my last straw it was up on the computer screen in case he couldn't figure out on his own what I was talking about. I told him I wanted a divorce, and had the page with what paperwork was required for our state pulled up on the computer as well. I am quite emotional normally, let alone pregnant, but I was extremely calm to the point I think that scared him. We had minimal sleep that night.

He apologized, said it didn't mean anything and nothing would've happened. Then he asked if there was any way to save this.The next night when we were trying to talk things out I asked him how he thought this would be salvageable. He then said he didn't tihnk it was that big of a deal, and if I had some understanding. How can he be sincere in an apology one day then telling me he doesn't agree with it being cheating the next? I told him I was sick of this pattern, sick of sticking around just to get hurt continuously, and that I was sick of going through these episodes with him telling him what I want him to say/do/etc so that he parrots it back and things get okay for awhile.

DH is a wonderful father, and I don't want to tell my family or even my best friend/anyone in our immediate circle because I don't want them to judge him forever. That's not fair to him, or our children. I told my mom I would like some help rehoming our puppy, and that I want to leave him, and she went on "both of you need to work on a marriage...." I did confide in one of my friends, and she told me not to do anything to drastic, and to consider not leaving with the baby coming at any time now.

Sorry this is so long, but I really don't know what to do. Do I leave? Do I wait? Do I wait and hope he listens to me that I want him to do something, for him to come up with how to save this, work on this? Do I tell him we need to schedule a follow up conversation and go over this with him? I am so not optimistic this is going to change anything but I don't want him to think he can do some ass kissing and all will be forgotten even if I do leave. Then I look at how close DD and he are, and how can I not give my baby that opportunity? Perhaps instead of leaving we can create a coparenting, cohabitating agreement, but I don't want to offer that yet either.

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LoveBuggsMommie

Asked by LoveBuggsMommie at 1:31 AM on May. 16, 2011 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,581 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I would leave. He has cheated on you before and is obviously interested in cheating again. What a pig!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:38 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • I would leave. I couldn't be with someone who would ever cheat on me.
    onemellowmom

    Answer by onemellowmom at 2:47 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • You know what, to be honest with you, I dont think anyone on here can tell you whether you should stay or leave, we do not know your entire situation, the ins and outs of your marriage, to say whether its worth salvaging or not. Only you and your husband know that, you probably need some time to do some soul searching about the situation, and not to make any decisions out of anger. If you do decide to discuss this again I would say he needs to step up and he needs to take your feelings into account, and validate them. One thing I would say is, dont stay for all the wrong reasons, in the long run you will be miserable. Good luck with this.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 2:58 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • my husband and i are going through a similar situation. but i am not leaving him. i know what we have is wonderful. and i want our family to work. stay strong, do whats best for you and your lil one but do not rush the decision. think everything through.
    Ronnies_Girl

    Answer by Ronnies_Girl at 3:06 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • I'm not even angry at him anymore. Why bother? I allowed for this to happen to me more than once, initially that was my decision and clearly he will never learn or change. I just want to leave...I feel that's right, I feel that's what I need to do. Without exposing him as a cheater to everyone though, which I don't want to do, I will look like the crazy pregnant lady. The timing is the only reason I'm hesitating, well and the not knowing where to go.
    LoveBuggsMommie

    Comment by LoveBuggsMommie (original poster) at 5:35 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • hugsHonesty is important. If you cant be honest with your spouse, who can you be honest with. I would leave, you have put up with this for far too long. Good luck

    ILoveAsherAthan

    Answer by ILoveAsherAthan at 9:47 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • You say that you forgave him for cheating on you the first time, yet your initial reaction to not doing household chores was to check his email? Clearly you have never let this go... I'm not saying you are wrong. That email you found is proof of somthing. Had he read it yet and not deleted it? That is cause for alarm. My point is this.
    You both need help working through this. Have you tried marriage counseling?
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 10:55 AM on May. 16, 2011

  • I went on his facebook, which he knows/allows however you want to put it to check on another situation I fidn't expect to see what I found. I wanted to go to counseling a few years ago together, because I was not in a good place emotionally and it was effecting our relationship. He refused. I really think it's important that he comes up with a plan on his own and I hope counseling is a thought. If he doesn't come up with it on his own, I will suggest it. I have decided to have a "check in" type convo with him tonight after DD is in bed so he knows it's not going to just go away. What worries me is my question sounds a bit wishy washy at the end, but I feel deep down what I want and need is to leave. It's the only thing that gives me any hope or faith in myself at this point.
    LoveBuggsMommie

    Comment by LoveBuggsMommie (original poster) at 1:17 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • As you said, this is a pattern of his. There are some men (and women) who just can't be faithful. He sounds like one of them. You don't have to live in the same house for your children to have a close relationship, if he wants to be part of their lives. You don't want to stay for the children, it sets a bad precedent for their future relationships (they aren't supposed to be happy). If you have somewhere to go, I would leave. Or pack his bags and have him go. Not that you have to do anything permanent, but you need a break from the stress and chaos. Especially with bp issues. Put yourself and the baby first.
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 2:37 PM on May. 19, 2011

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