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Ok so I want honesty, am I being overly needy and picky or is this wrong?

I've posted on here a few times about my new soon to be "step-parenting" roll. I moved in with SO in December. Between us we have 5 kids, two of which are in the home with us. Mine is 17 and overall not to many issues there. He has a 4 year old daughter in which he gets every other weekend visitation and 2 days per week. We've had some minor adjustment issues with this. I complained abut the co-sleeping thing (still to this day nothing has changed and I am trying to live with that)...........Here's my complaint as of this past weekend and I would love total honesty about it, even if you wanna say its my issue and I am making more of it than I need to.

On the weekends he has her, it seems to me that there isn't any "family" time. To me it seems like its him and her and everything else is put in the background. Now mind you, I am not stupid, I know he needs his time with her since he does not see her all the time and I would not be feeling as bad as I am if it weren't for the fact that when we first got together, he was all about having a family again and doing family things etc etc. This was a huge want of his. So now as we sit here all weekend, and most of the time, at no point does he ask me to be included on what he's doing with her. 99% of the time, its him and her doing whatever and me sitting here alone. He doesn't ask.....nothing!! They will just go outside or whatever and do their thing. Now I have gone out with them at times, tried and included myself on games etc but it seems if I don't include myself, he won't even ask.

Am I wrong for feeling like I am totally invisible while she is here? I understand she is young still and likes Daddy's attention but why make a statement that you want family and then just act as if its just him and her with noone else here? Yesterday after hours of them doing things together and not one word mentioned to me about joining, I had a melt down and made a comment. He knew what I meant and later on made a smart assed comment about being included on having a snack with them, but I wasn't laughing and proceeded to sit in my corner chair, as I do a lot when shes here.

Please offer some advice....do I let this be in hopes that in time it will change? I have tried talking to him about this numerous times, he will change for a day or so and then it goes back to the same thing again. I feel like a broken record anymore and it sucks that I totally feel left out and ignored when shes here. Your thoughts please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer Question
 
CopingMom33

Asked by CopingMom33 at 12:16 PM on May. 16, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 8 (238 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • I am in the same boat girl. Or i was anyway. You are not wrong, you are not crazzy, you deserve to be included also. It took years for hubby and I to get to the point we are now. a family. If you need anything let me know, its just baby steps but eventually it will get there.
    Good luck :)
    gdnrs

    Answer by gdnrs at 12:22 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I think it is not apt to change. He's having his cake and eating it, too, and he likes things just the way they are. If you can't accept things as they are and be content with them, then I think your only other option is to tell him good-bye.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:23 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • You are not his wife. You are a girlfriend he wanted to shack up with. This is his daughter. You are obviously just a convenience.  btw... nice example for your teenage son.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:23 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • Also, I would like to add his daughter moved in with us :( That was probably the hardest thing I ever had to deal with! There will be a day when she does something bad towards you, like take and rip up your papers, and when you attempt to reprimand her your hubby will side with her. My advice is to stand up for yourself. I did. I spent way too long waiting on him to stand up for me but he never did, not once. I had to do it on my own. And I did, because I deserve it :)
    Good luck!
    gdnrs

    Answer by gdnrs at 12:25 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • You are a live in girl friend at this point, not the wife and step-mom. He has you every weekday and every other weekend. Let him have his weekends with his daughter. You had your time with your kids. Don't horn in on daughters time. As she gets older, you will be included.
    BradenIsMySon

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 12:27 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I think it may just take some getting used and making changes slowly. I don't think you're wrong but you do have to understand that his daughter is his number and will always come first, that said if you are living together as a family some things will have to change but at the same time you can just move in and expect EVERYTHING to change.

    skittles1108

    Answer by skittles1108 at 12:30 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I am sorry you feel left out. I have to tell you though that my dh in the beginning kind of stopped all alone time with his dd for family time. She spent the next 12 years making my life hell because she felft jealous of me and wanted her daddy all to herself. If I were you I would be thankful that he is that great of a dad!!! That's amazing. You just don't hear of that often. When she is there, consider it "your time" and be happy to do things by yourself.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 12:30 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • You don't have a "step parenting roll" because you're not technically a "step parent". I'm afraid if it's like this now, it's not going to change if you get married. If you both aren't on the same page with the relationship, kids, etc, then it's going to be like this here on out, married or not. Sorry.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 12:32 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I know your not going to like my answer, but just let them have their time together! I know you are upset and feeling left out, but the poor kid only gets him 96 hours a month! I would just relax! What about the next time she comes, you get tickets to a movie or make plans for ALL of you to go to the zoo? It has to be confusing/upsetting for a 4 year old to go back and forth, you need to be a friend to this little girl, and it sort of seems you view her as competition,, please don't be offended, just having been a stepmother myself, it just takes time and love!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 12:34 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • Sorry but you are not her step mom yet, you are just a live in girlfriend and he has his child every other weekend and probably wants to spend as much time with her as he can. Remember, you can be replaced, she cant. My dh knew this coming into our relationship. I had kids from a previous marriage and I was up front with him. He knew they would always come first over him until the day I die.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 12:34 PM on May. 16, 2011

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