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4 Bumps

Do I have a right to be mad & how would you handle this?

DH & his 3 brothers wanted to plan an 80th bday party for my FIL next month at a restaurant. We all thought it was a great idea & were going to split the bill 4 ways to cover the cost of reserving a small banquet room & buffet. There are some nice places around here that are reasonable, so no big deal, right? Except that DH's youngest brother took it upon himself to choose the restaurant & put a deposit down on the room. It's one of the most expensive places in town! The deposit is non-refundable, so we either use the room or BIL is out the money. BIL projects that our share of the bill will be around $300 minimum (final cost depends on how many come to the party).

We CANNOT afford to chip in $300 right now, let alone more. We can just pay our bills each month, DH really needs a new vehicle & mine's not exactly in tip-top shape either, plus our house needs some significant repair work. We went through our savings when DH was laid off & have just started getting back on our feet. If we help pay for this party, our savings will wiped out again.

I told DH that we cannot afford this & he agrees, but still says we'll just have to deal with it. He says he'll sell some tools or something (he needs those tools for his job!) to make the extra money. I told him to talk to his brother & explain to him that we can't afford that much, but we'll chip in what we can. DH doesn't think that's "fair", that his brothers shouldn't have to carry the bulk of the cost. Personally, I think his youngest brother, the one who made the mess, should have to "just deal with it" and pick up the slack since he unilaterally chose the place & put down the deposit. I know my DH's other two brothers can't afford this any more than we can, plus they'll be coming in from out of state & have to pay for hotel costs, too.

Now DH is mad at me because I am upset about all this. He thinks I shouldn't be upset because "what's done is done". I disagree. I don't think this is a done deal. I think he needs to talk to his brothers & figure something out. The party is in 3 weeks & BIL just told us last night what he did, so there isn't much time to fix this mess.

Do I have a right to be mad at him? Anybody else have any suggestions on the best way to handle this situation?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:43 PM on May. 16, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • I think you have every right to be upset. The question I would ask is is DH really that upset? I know that my husband wouldn't pay for something that was not agreed on, brother or not. It's not fair to you and your family nor his other siblings. I would urge DH to talk to his brother and then drop it. You just pay your bills like you normally would and at the time of the party, if there's no money, there's no money. The bills are paid and what done is done right? If DH sells something to pay for this, tell him to pick something luxury like electronics, not tools that are used to make money, that's just foolish. Once you've made your points clear I do advise you to drop it, this is his brother's mess and you and your relationship should not have to pay for it. Good luck.

    Answer by Aneya at 9:50 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • You do have the right. BIL was with all of you when you agreed on the plan. HE went out of the way and put the deposit down without talking it over with all of you AND he should have let you all make a decision on the price you would pay.

    I would stand my ground with DH but I wouldn't do it in front of BIL...keep it in the marriage.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 9:46 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I would be pissed and I would tell the brother u are willing to either chip in what u can, or hold it at a place that is more affordable. Explain to the brother that he should have asked first.

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 9:47 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • You should be mad. Something like that should have been discussed with all the people involved before it was done.

    Answer by lmv1970 at 11:01 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I would be angry. That was completely unacceptable of him to do. Money may come and go throughout life but $300 would be the cost of our utility bills. I can see where you're coming from. There would be no way in the world we could come up with that, no matter whose birthday it was. He needs to help compromise this.

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 11:06 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • I'd be pissed beyond belief. In fact, I'd find a REASONABLY priced restaurant, find out what our share would have been, and only pay THAT amount. BIL had NO RIGHT to unilaterally decide what each person was willing to pay. I get that he wanted it to be special, but kids and bills come before a birthday bash. I can guarantee that your FIL would have been just as happy had a party been thrown in a backyard. BIL wants the big, expensive party, then he can pay for the majority of it.

    Answer by laird6372 at 11:37 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • Pay what you can.

    Answer by 1smartcookie at 9:54 AM on May. 17, 2011

  • bump

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 9:46 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • Oh no :(

    Is there any way that the BIL can call and explain that the other paying parties are backing out? Usually there is a cancellation deadline (like 1 week or 2 weeks before event).

    Maybe they can make an exception and refund him.

    What are the other siblings saying?

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 9:48 PM on May. 16, 2011

  • Imaginationmama, no, the place has a no refunds/no exception policy, so that's a no go. As for the other bros, I have no idea b/c one's in FL & the other's in VA. DH is taking his younger brother's word for it that they're fine with the cost. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if they were, even if it meant taking food out of their kids' mouths. This isn't the first time DH's little brother has done this to us & after the last time, we didn't see or speak to BIL for several years. Supposedly, about a year ago, he'd changed & they all welcomed him back into the fold w/open arms. Now he pulls this crap. Last time we dealt w/it & paid up b/c we could, but this time is diff for us financially & BIL knows it, yet did this anyway so that he could look good. DH & his older 2 bros are non-confrontational types, but little bro is a spoiled brat & they let him get away w/crap constantly. I don't know why, but I'm sick of it.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:06 PM on May. 16, 2011