Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

When is it ok to cut off your family? or is family always family.... long. PLEASE advice.

My "dad" never paid child support. Every other weekend when I went to his house I was always with my step mom or aunt, while he was at the race track or working on the car. I never saw him much. No one on one time. I've always had to split holidays and make the rounds to keep everyone happy in my large divored family.... I'm sure you can relate if your family is divorced. Now, as an adult with my own home and children - I don't want to put out the effort to "make rounds" everywhere. Basically - I just don't want to make the trip to my dad's house. (my step dad even adopted me when I was 10) but I still went every other weekend. I don't like hurting peoples feeling. I don't like confrontation. I am such a people pleaser. I just go and get my balls busted for not coming over more.... UGH. They DO NOT come to my home. I invite - and they say I should go there. It hurts. My dad doesnt call me. NO communication at all. I only know whats happening with him bc my grandma informs me. She thinks i need to try harder. I dont like my dads (3rd) wife. Cant stand her. She makes rude comments all the time about how I only come out on holidays. (NOT TRUE) but with kids and OTHER family that CARES about me - its hard to go there a lot. and for what?!?!?I go bc I "have" to - bc its an obligation. WHat do I do?? I dont want to make "rounds" for every easter, mothers/fathers day, every holiday! I dont want to. Im a mother now so cant I stay home on mothers day with my kids? and my dh stay home with his kids on fathers day? why do I have to please everyone....??? idk what to do.... When I got married i didnt want my dad to give me away I wanted my step dad to. and now i'm pregnant with my 2nd and if its a boy - I plan to name him after my step dad. I hate to hurt my "dad" - but he's hurt me so much... HE HAS NO CLUE. NO CLUE - what he makes me feel. you cant talk to him. he just sits there and no response. he doesnt get it. i haven't "reallllly" told him anything - but just talking about "life" he's not interested... what do i do??? I'm ready to just cut the whole side out..... no one is close to me. i am the black sheep..... :(

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:54 PM on May. 17, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Sweetie, this is an easy one. He gave up rights a long time ago. You DO NOT have to go. Stop trying to please everyone. THe ONLY person you have to please is the one you see in the mirror every day... NOBODY else.

    I'd have cut ties at age ten.

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:01 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • let it go..if he wanted to be in your life he would be. i know that is hard to accept but why put all this stress in your life for someone that obviously doesnt care. Let him sd is in the same situation but with her mom and dad family both sides so she only has my family and im the stepmom!! I gave her the same advice cut ties and live your life for you and the ones that care

    Answer by jorjiegirl at 2:05 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • it also makes me sad to "possibly" not have him be a part of my kids lives.... he is excited when he sees them. he doesnt want to put them down. which sounds crazy i know..... :( i have been struggling with this issue in my heart for years..... i just never want to hurt him.... :(

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:05 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • Just dont go. if they can not respect you and your choice to spend the day at home with your family or whoever you choose to spend the holiday with then to darn bad for them. they have no right to make you feel bad. Stop worrying about everones feelings not to be mean but they sure are not concerned about your feelings

    Answer by threepeanutsmom at 2:12 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • He never worried about hurting YOU.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:03 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • There's also COMPROMISE. Do not make rounds any more. ONE family only per holiday. Thanksgiving with one, Christmas with the next, New Years' with the next. Easter with the next. Then rotate for the next round of holidays.

    My brother and his wife used to make themselves crazy, then she put her foot down. ONE family per holiday, and tough luck to the whiners.

    Answer by gdiamante at 3:05 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • you are a pushover. listen your dad wasn't there for you growing up so why do you think you have to please him still and his family? your obligation is to you, your children and your husband. no one else, not your dad, mom, step dad, step mom or siblings. don't worry about making it to other peoples homes for holidays and birthdays and what not. if you can't or don't want to go then don't. they will get over it believe me. if not then oh well. you are a grown ass woman with your own family obligations and problems and you don't need to add to them because people will get upset that you have visited, or you only come during holidays. and if you put that invite for them to visit you and they don't. don't invite anymore and you don't go over there. i can see if they weren't physically able to but if they are then you shouldn't be making any effort to go there. keep the peace and your mind.

    Answer by lucky35 at 3:09 PM on May. 17, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.