Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Comparing me to the ex!?

My b/f is always talking about how good his marriage was and the way she treated him and how he never thought he would find someone who would treat him the same way (she's still in his life as a friend...they slpit because she got cancer and he couldnt handle her possibly dieing..he stayed till she was in remision and done with chemo and all that )...but he did...ehich is good that he thinks that...but he is actually comparing me to her...which pisses me off...I've told him this and he still does it..he actually said i have her beat personality wise...that my personality and they way him and I get along is soo much better then the way they were...umm....really not sure weather to feel complimented or feel like I have to try and be better then her....They were together 12 yrs. so i understand some comparing will take place but to verbaly communicate it TO ME...I think the man has no brain somettimes...I guess I should be greatful he's finally telling me ways I am better then her and not just telling me how great she was to him and why he feels sooo guilty...I get why he feels guilty..but I'm ick of hearing do I get it through to him that I dont want to be compared to her nor do I want to hear how wonderful she was to him? telling him isn't working.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:11 PM on May. 17, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • well if telling him isn't working then you should stop telling him. and everytime he mentions or compares the ex walk away. just walk away and if he asks why you did that, explain to him that you have repeatedly told him not to compare you to the ex and he continues to do so and talking to him obviously doesn't work so this is the next best thing. if he is still doing that obviously he is still in love with her, you can't say he isn't. don't make excuses for him either. i think you should suggest for him to go back to the ex and let you move on. he is hurting you and disrespecting you by what he is doing.

    Answer by lucky35 at 4:15 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • i agree 100% with lucky35...good luck

    Answer by happymom8262 at 4:19 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • Sounds like he has a small burning flame for her deep inside. If it's guilt I don't understand how someone can leave someone when they are finally better from cancer? that's a good thing??? Idk that's got to be hard to hear & annoying. The guilt will probably haunt him forever and I mean that in the nicest way. He sounds a tad confused feelings wise. Just my opinion : )

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 4:20 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • I know he still loves her and she told me she still loves him...they just dont love eachother like husband and wife should...he says he gets so much more out of our relationship then he ever did with her...that when he goes around her now she actually annoys him she's very loud and in your face...I'm not...he treid going back and making it work several times...Ithey have been seperated 2 yrs. and I'm the 3rd. he's been with but the only pne he's been this serious with...we live together...he said everytime he went back it didnt work because it was out of guilt that he did it...the love he felt just isnt there anymore. So idk...i will try the walking away thing and see if that gets his attention.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:20 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • Personally, I don't think I could be serious about a man who left a partner because she got cancer. Everyone is going to die eventually, so saying that he ended a relationship because he was afraid of her dying tells me a lot about his character (and how much I would want nothing to do with it). Of course, I'm married, so maybe I'm more "into" committment than others might be.

    If you want to work things out with him, I'd suggest following lucky35's advice. That and never get cancer.

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 4:23 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • Yeah I think he uses her getting ill as a cop out...she's 7 yrs. older then him (40) and the cancer ruined her body...I think he just lost his attraction and cant even admitt to himself.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:23 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • Yeah i worry about that sometimes...I kinda understand it though...he did stay through the hard part and he just couldnt go back from nurse to husband

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:26 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • BS...marriage is for better or worse and love has no bounds. I couldn't be with a man that compares me to his ex because every move I make I would second guess if I was doing it the way she does it or if I was doing it better or worse. I couldn't live like that and I damn sure couldn't look at a man let alone lay with one who left his wife and uses a weak excuse as the hard part of going from nurse to husband. I know plenty of men who nursed their sick wives back to health and are still with them because they actually loved the person. Hmmmm, but to each thier own....good luck because he's showing you the type of man he truely is...

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 5:08 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • You're in love with the man who's in love with someone else. Sorry if it hurts, but this is what it sounds like.

    Answer by wenona_mandy at 5:30 PM on May. 17, 2011

  • Everytime he starts comparing I would remind him how I feel about him doing that and let him know I find it rude and disrepectful that he continues to do it knowing how you feel about it. Then I would change the subject and or just walk away.

    Answer by meooma at 5:58 PM on May. 17, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.