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What would you do in this situation? *long*

When I was three years old, I was violently raped by my biological father (BF). Later, it came out that he'd either violently raped or repeatedly molested my older sister (OS) and several cousins.

When my mother divorced BF, she married his brother (SD). By that time, I was five. My cousin-turned-stepbrother (SB) raped and molested me over the next seven years. Many in my family either thinks we were having a consensual incestuous relationship or that he was just one of those victim children acting out what he was taught and wouldn't ever do it again.

They both served jail time, and both are out and living lives now. My father was convicted before Megan's Law and other sex offender registration requirements, so when SB introduced him to one of SB's high school girlfriends, BF started dating her. They ended up conceiving a child and got married while she was pregnant. Six years later, they planned and conceived another child (even though BF knew he was HIV positive before he met her, but that's another story...).

OS and I told our new stepmother (SM) in gory graphic detail about the things that happened to us as a child, but since SM and OS went to high school together, SM assumed OS was lying out of hate or spite. I'm not sure what she thought of my testimony.

Anyway, SM and BF are living the perfect suburban lifestyle now. They have money and fancy cars and nice electronics. My half-sister and half-brother (sibs) are happy and well-adjusted children who don't have any outward signs of abuse. If something is going on, it's not obvious. I hate to think that anything is. At one point, a cousin called CPS in Texas because SB and BF were in the same house with SM and sibs, but CPS never investigated the claim for whatever reason.

I recently decided to accept BF's friend request on FB. I'm pretty sure he's been reading anything I have on the internet anyway for years now, either directly or through other people's accounts. He keeps trying to get me to forgive him for what he's done, saying God gave him a second chance to be a good father (referring to sibs) and that he wants to make amends.

I can't take the chance that he'll hurt my girls like he hurt me. But I'm conflicted. I want to know sibs (older one knows who I am and has met me but is indifferent towards me, younger one's never met me). I know that BF's own biological father (Gpa) did the same things to him and his siblings, but when Gpa was around me and my siblings growing up, he never did anything untoward.

Was Gpa an exception to the rule that sex offenders can never be rehabilitated? Is it possible BF has been rehabilitated? When I was a kid, after BF got out of prison, my mother did take us to visit him because she was worried that we'd hate her for keeping us from him since we were so young (little brother didn't even know why BF was gone). He never was alone with us again and nothing ever happened.

I've already let him into my life again (they sent flowers to one of my births and he's talking about sending a b-day gift to my other daughter). He met one of my daughters at SD's funeral because I couldn't find a sitter. He says he wants to be their grandfather. They don't have a grandfather.

I debated with myself about whether to post this anon or not. I decided not to because most of this information is already discussed on my blog, which I'm sure he reads. I don't know if SM has a Cafe Mom account or if any of her friends do, but I don't think any of this information's a secret.

If you're here to bash, please skip this post...


Asked by AmourSpork at 2:06 AM on May. 18, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 19 (6,638 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • cont

    I know you've been through a lot, and you want very much to believe he has changed, and that you're probably looking at his new kids, and his new family, and the life that they appear to have, and you wish that you had had that - a happy, normal, well provided for life - and that you would like to be a part of that. However, please remember that looks can be very deceiving. And as you said, nothing ever happened again, but - you were never left alone with him again...

    I would strongly advise you to not allow him around your kids. If you really feel you need to have him around, I would VERY strongly advise you to INSIST on counseling with you, him, and his wife beforehand, where ALL of his actions are disclosed, and he is evaluated by a professional YOU have chosen, to see what they think of his likelihood of re-offending is.

    im me if you would like to talk (((hugs)))

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:49 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • If you want him in your life. Tell him he will never be alone with your kids.
    Personaly I would tell him to go to hell.

    Answer by louise2 at 6:40 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • wow! you sure are a survivor!

    I think you're a wonderful person to allow your birth father back into your life as much as you have... While I do believe that "criminals" can be rehabilitated, I would NEVER place myself or my children in a position that could cause any further trauma.

    Answer by GoodyBrook at 2:16 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • I am not going to bash you. I, too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and incest. It is possible to forgive the person who abused you, but at the same time, protect yourself and your children from being abused. It is VERY rare for a sex offender of the nature you described to be rehabilitated. It's sort of like being an alcoholic - even if you aren't drinking, you're still one, and there's always a chance you could fall off the wagon, if you know what I mean. Just because there are no outward signs of abuse does not mean that it's not going on. There are literally hundreds of thousands of kids walking around, leading what appears to be normal lives, and who are being sexually abused.


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:39 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • cont

    Here are some things to consider -
    1) If he has truly made amends / changed, then why is it that you and your sister had to be the ones to tell his wife? Why is it he hasn't already confessed this to her and made her aware? Admission of guilt is a huge part of accepting your actions and changing them.

    2) If he did ever abuse your kids, would you be able to live with that? I understand your kids don't have a grandfather, but here's the thing - my kids had no relationship with my father (long story as to why), and they're fine. The person who sexually abused me was my grandfather, and I was very messed up by this for a long time. No grandfather is better than THAT kind of grandfather, kwim? Also, again, speaking from experience (only from the child's pov), imagine how your children would feel, if he did abuse them, knowing that you knew he was like that and took them around him...


    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:46 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • Some do change and I think it is up to you. If you do start a relationship then have a talk with him and let him know you will be around at all times. Nobody here will know what is in his head and heart. So nobody can say if he is a different man. Think about it for awhile and just talk to him. If for any reason you feel something wrong then don't let him in. Good luck!


    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • First let me start by saying I am soo sorry for what has happened to you through out your childhood. I have been raped for years as well by my step brother but just came out about it 2 years ago, many of my own family members did not believe me because i let to much time pass. Anyway i am now almost 35 weeks pregnant and have forgiven my step brother for what he has done but would never allow him around my baby even though im expecting a boy. wheather or not a rapist has found God and will never do such a thing again, You are a mother that needs to protect your young as well as set an example for them. Ask your self, what kind of example would you be setting for your young one's if you allow someone with a crimal past around them. Especially since the crime was committed against you, their mother. Would you tell your young what your BF and their grandfather has done to you? let the answer to that question determine your answer

    Answer by CatieRose at 2:32 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • First of all I want to say I am sorry that you ever had to g through such a horrendous ordeal! Being a victim myself; I know how hard it is to forgive and let that person be a part of you and/ or your family's life. I was abused and raped for two years by my "sperm donor. when I found the courage to speak out; I was then molested by my cousin; baby sitter and his wife (they insisted on showing me the right way I refuse to call him my father. At this point in my life I have forgiven him for being abusive (he use to beat us); but I can not forgive him for what he has done to me; He stole my innocence and my childhood. I fell bad that my children are growing up without a grandfather; but at the same time I do not trust him. Hr pleaded guilty but says he would have stopped if only I asked. Stop hell I was a child for god's sakes; like I was old enough to know and consent to it!

    Answer by Mom_Of_3_Angelz at 5:00 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • my family is still torn apart because of it ( i have never told anyone about the other;s only about my sperm donor). So honestly it's all about how you feel; if you can find a way to forgive this man and trust him again; then that is your decision to make. I would be extremely cautious about leaving him alone with my children though. Speak to his kids; watch how to react when he is around.

    Answer by Mom_Of_3_Angelz at 5:02 AM on May. 18, 2011

  • I was also in a similar situation, only I don't remember things as graphicly as you seem to, and father was never arrested for it. I did allow my father to see my kids, never alone (at all, they had to come with me if I left the room to even go to the bathroom). I ended up actually becoming his caregiver after he had a major heart attack. It was devastating for me, causing flashbacks and nightmares. I didn' t forgive him until right before he died last year. That said, my kids loved him dearly, and he was a good grandfather to them, but I never gave him the opportunity to hurt them either. Don't trust that he just automatically got better (your little sisters could be going through the same thing). If you want to see him, guard yourself and your DD's carefully.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:06 AM on May. 18, 2011