Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Son & daughter-in-law wont let me spend anytime with my grandkids, but then get mad that I dont ????

That doesn't make sense does it ? That is basically what is happening and it is making me so upset.

I have 2 sons who are now both married and both have 2 children each ... I admit that I do spend alot of time with my older sons family ( his wife and I talk all the time on the phone and I go to their house or they come here atleast 4 or 5 times a week) ....

I would LOVE to have that same kind of relationship with my other son and his little family but I cant - I have tried - but right now I can't.

I know it is his fault also, but I do place alot of blame on his wife.... She has NEVER wanted anyone in our family to have anything to do with "her"children... everything I have bought for them she has literally thrown away ( even toys and clothes for the kids) , everytime I call to see the kids or invite them here or something she will say they dont have time ( and on more than one occasion she will make a facebook post shortly after she tells me that, talking about how bored she is or she has nothing to do ) , A couple times I have just shown up since I was on that side of town and all of a sudden she will have somewhere to go ( even if they are sitting around watching tv or lounging in their pjs) and she just acts really rude telling me to leave point blank and literally pushing me out of the door. They have never invited me to birthday parties... I had to ask around so I would know when to show up ... The list goes on and on.

Then , my son will get mad that I dont spend time with them... I try to explain that it is hard to when I am told that I am not welcome and that I cant spend time with them... i dont even know what i did to make her like that.... I want to spend time with them more than anything, but I just feel it is not my part to do that now... I have spent YEARS trying to see them, and yet I get yelled at, cussed at, and pushed away and THEN , get him telling me he is so upset that I dont ... It doesnt even make sense and it drives me insane.

And i will admit sometimes I might be a bit pushy, that is probably what annoyed her in the beginning.... but I think the fact that NO ONE else has a problem with me except her... BUT there are SEVERAL people ( in our family and in hers) who have disowned her because of how she treats them also.... I think that is saying alot about who is really causing this problem.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on May. 18, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (20)
  • you're stuck until the kids are old enough to make their own decisions. what a bitch though.

    Answer by sophistcatdfury at 9:59 PM on May. 18, 2011

  • You can only do what they allow you to do. You have tried, now quit stressing yourself about it. I would let your son know up-front that your feelings are hurt by his and his wife's actions. Explain that you want to spend more time with them, but feel as though your not wanted. Do you ever ask to have the children over to your house or could the other son serve as a buffer by having his nieces/nephews over? Maybe you could volunteer to babysit so they could have a night out? I wouldn't give up on my grandchildren either, make it a point to let THEM know that you would like to see them more often!

    Answer by BaileysMom476 at 10:19 PM on May. 18, 2011

  • yes I have offered to have just the kids come ( so she wouldnt have to see me ) ... but she says no, I offer to take them to the movies or out to eat, and she says no...

    She also wont let my other son or anyone else in the family see the kids.... and before she came along my sons were best friends, and he played an active role in my 2 oldest grandchildrens lives ..... but then it was about 4 or 5 months after he started dating her he would spend less and less time with his friends and family ( which makes sense when you are in a new relationship with someone , you want to spend all of your time with them) ... but then she got pregnant and they hurried to get married... and that was the beginning... we would see him once a week, then once every couple of weeks, then every couple of months.... and now we are lucky to see him around Christmas.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:25 PM on May. 18, 2011

  • Would they come, or at least your son and grandkids, if you invited them to your house?

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:40 PM on May. 18, 2011

  • There has been a few times when he would call to complain that I am not seeing his kids... so I will say " well then come on over, or I will come down right now" he will say " she says not right now" ... it is constantly like that... one time I said " well if not now, when.... give me a time and place and I will be there" and he will tell her what I said and then I can hear her screaming and cussing in the background and then he hangs up...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:43 PM on May. 18, 2011

  • I would be annoyed with someone who showed up at my home uninvited or wasn't invited to a birthday party so they snooped around to find out where and when it is and shows up. You know that's rude don't you? From now on, every time he complains that you don't see them,arrange a time for either them to be there or ya'll to meet somewhere but for heaven sakes, don't just barge over there, maybe they were having family time? You admit you are pushy, TBH, you sound pushy, if that's why you think she may have a problem with you STOP BEING PUSHY WITH HER. BTW just because no one has said anything to you, that doesn't mean no one has a problem with your pushiness. Oh and if people in your family had "disowned" me, I wouldn't want to go to family outings either. I feel like ya'll got off on the wrong foot and it just snowballed from there. I can see where she is at fault but I can also see where you are at fault.

    Answer by JLS2388 at 8:54 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • First, you need to tell your son some of this. Not all of it because he will take it like you're badmouthing his wife, but tell him how much you want to see the kids and how she has behaved about it. Then, you need to confront HER. I suggest a dialogue something like this "Mary, I know we have our problems and our differences. But these children are my grandchildren and my son is my son. I want to see them a lot more often than I get to. I think it's important for them and for myself, and my son has called me upset because I don't see them often enough. It's time for you and I to settle our differences, bury the hatchet and make this a family again, for the childrens' sake. If you think it doesn't matter, imagine how they will feel when they know that I spend so much more time with the other grandkids. It will break their hearts. Now what have I done to make you so hostile toward me?" Work it out from there. GL!

    Answer by Ati_13 at 9:05 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • I think the best thing to do at this point is back off completely. Get the kids savings bonds in their names and hang on to them for them and send a card letting them know that they will be waiting for them when they are ready. Tell your son you have had it and that anytime he wants to come over with the kids the door is wide open--you'll even babysit but you give up. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it sounds like your son DOES want to keep you around so its time to make him be a man and confront his evil wife.

    Answer by hotelmom123 at 10:07 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • hotelmom, I'm not convinced we are dealing with an evil DDIL. First we are only hearing one side of it but even from the MIL's side, I can see fault with both of them. Would you LOVE your MIL if she was always showing up unannounced to your home or showing up at birthday parties she wasn't even invited too?

    Answer by JLS2388 at 10:11 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • Ugh sounds like my brother and sister-in-law. They used to visit my parents all the time, and she got pregnant and they stopped coming. Then somewhere along the lines they stopped answering phone calls or rushed off the phone or would take days or even weeks to call back. My parents tried so hard to make plans and they never got back to the last minute only to say that they had plans. Now my brother has recently accused them of having no interest in my niece and it just goes on and on. I want to say something to my brother but at the same time, it's really not my place so im kind of stuck in the middle, especially when my mom asks why i don't speak up. I'll tell you what i told them : DON'T GIVE UP. You just keep showing the love and the interest you have in those children and one day it will all work out. I hope the sooner the better. Chin up! ;)

    Answer by DJsMommy610 at 11:42 AM on May. 19, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.