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Not sure how to feel.

My SO was having a bad day yesterday..stressing about money...he txted me telling me he felt depressed and i talked to him tried to reassure him everything would be okay...well lastnight we were laying in bed and he tells me today was a milestone...I'm like...umm for what? He said because instead of calling my ex(they are still friends) I came to you when I was upset...he said after 12 yrs. of marriage it was just intinct to go to her when he was upset about something...but he went to me instead...I'm happy but then that part in my brain says..WTF! we have been together 5 months and youve been going to HER first with your problems and not me!!! Should I just let it go and be happy he is growing closer to me? He's also said his ex is starting to annoy him and whenever he goes over there for any reason he wants to hurry home to me...he used to go over there to get a break from me and my kids...should I just call it growth and be happy?

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happymama02

Asked by happymama02 at 9:00 AM on May. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Level 16 (3,162 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Oooh that is a tough one! I would be pissed beyond beleif that he was hanging out with his ex to "get away from me and the kids" to tell you the truth...that would be a deal breaker for me....if you feel like you can be mature about the whole thing then more power to ya girl but me personally, we would have a little talk about his relationship with his ex
    Lucky209

    Answer by Lucky209 at 9:04 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • Umm WEIRD.....You're a stong secure woman for allowing him to go over there to just "get a break" from you and your children. 5 months? and he needs a break? I take it ya'll live together already then? Honestly I would have a fit if my DH went to the ex's house to get a break. Yes, all fine and dandy he's coming to you now, but I think that would've caused a break-up if I knew my SO was going to his ex's for those reasons. Sorry dear....
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 9:07 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • He shouldn't be hanging with her while with you whether you been together 5 months or 5 days.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:12 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • I would sit and discuss how you feel about his relationship with his ex. Try to be understanding; after all, 12 years with someone is a lot harder to to dismiss than 5 months. You want to invite him to share his feelings about his ex, you, the kids, not alienate him. Thank him for being honest and coming to you instead of her and encourage him to continue doing so to strengthen your relationship. Remember the old saying, "You catch more bees with honey." Hopefully, this is a step toward growth in your relationship and you don't want to jeopardize by over-reacting. However, let him know that you feel hurt by his revelations, but happy at the same time because you want to be number 1 in his life, not second -choice.
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 9:17 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • They have kids together so he would also go to see his kids...my 3 are a handful and very hyper...his kids are very laidback and that's what he is used to,but he doesnt do it anymore...he's gotten used to my kids now for the most part and if he feels like it's too much he will go in the room instead of over there...I knew he ws friends with his ex from the get-go...something I do have mixed feeling about...i try to look at it from her stand point and it makes me feel better about it...but that's something we have talked about several times and we have agreed on how it is to work...like him telling me before he goes over there and not staying there for more then an hr. and he is to respond to me when i txt him and he is not to go over there if we are fighting...he's agreed to all of it and it's been working out. it helps tha he's finally seeing her true colors too..she is always talking shit about him to me when i go over there
    happymama02

    Comment by happymama02 (original poster) at 9:18 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • my SO and his ex were friends like that, when we first got together the boundary issues and personal space issues were so bad we spilt up because of it.. he would call her/she would call him and tell each other everything... told him that this was my world and by god i should be the center of the family we were building.. he invited her to our wedding, on family outings and over for drinks.. told him one day that woman took your nuts packed them in a box and kept them when you left her.. there's a reason they call in divorce honey.. if that woman is going to be injected into every part of my life with you then we got problems baby.. if you cant learn to distance yourself from your ex wife and build a life separate from her you might as well still be married to her.. cuz i'll be damned if I marry your ex wife.. it got better and he finally realized that it wasnt just her it was him too and he stopped it..
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 9:19 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • Thanks rosiemendo...your right...I have always told him he can talk to me...i do understand 12 yrs. with someone who who shared everything with and who you still get along with it's hard to break that habit...I'm happy he's getting more secure and comfortable with our relationship that he's able to let her go as far as that goes...I did tell him how happy i am he went to me and not her...that I'm glad he's able to finally do that and that's how it should be.
    happymama02

    Comment by happymama02 (original poster) at 9:24 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • My ex & I have always remained very good friends with each other & our families. I eventually remarried, & my husband & my ex are friends as well. HOWEVER----Not once have I EVER even considered going to my ex with relationship problems instead of going to my partner, & my ex & I have known one another 32 years!! Tell your SO he cant have his cake & eat it too. The fact that he kept from you his going to his ex with his problems, tells me he isnt ready to 100% let go of her. And really now, what man goes to their ex to get away from his girlfriend & her children?? They go have a beer, go golfing, go see a buddy, but they dont go to their ex! I hope you'll tell him you cant accept that in your realtionship anymore, now that you know. If he refuses, then you'll know he isnt willing to give his ex up in the way that he should.
    RubyinPA

    Answer by RubyinPA at 9:29 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • yeah girlglow6 he's actually shared things about me with her and in the begging shared things about our relationship...she told me...i told him he is to NEVER share anything about our relationship with her because as far as him and I go she is still his ex...there are lines he cannot cross...it's a weird situiation altogether...but I love him so I'm trying to get to a comfort level we all can agree on...he doesnt want me haning out wih her at all...but i told him if he's going tot hen i am too...fair is fair...I think she's realizing herself that he's finally dettaching himself from her...she's getting more bitchy towards him whenever I'm around her...which I like becausde then I go tell him what she said and he gets mad at her...not sure if it's wrong but it's working for my benefit.
    happymama02

    Comment by happymama02 (original poster) at 9:30 AM on May. 19, 2011

  • They have a kid and he raised 3 of her other kids so I understand they still have stuff to be done together concering their kids. But calling her everytime we have a problem? nuhuh.. she cheated on him lied to him and just all out treated him like shit when they were married. she would call and he'd stop WHATEVER and i do mean whatever he was doing to answer or return her call. I had had enough of it after 10 months, i know they were married 13yrs and I've known him 20 yrs, not saying thats equal but it should carry some significance. the first 6 months i tried to bite my tongue and be polite about it.. but after awhile i just couldnt do it. This isnt about his kids and they both tried to make it out like I had a problem with the kids, but i love the kids take them with me where ever I go when they are there.. said no, this is about the box she put your balls in. and you better get em back you want to be with me.
    girlglow6

    Answer by girlglow6 at 9:37 AM on May. 19, 2011

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