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2 Bumps

How to deal with my daughter's future MIL?

My daughter is expecting and her and her boyfriend were wanting to get married this fall. They wanted to get married a few days before his 18th birthday so they could have the date they wanted. His mom refused, and said they had to get married before the baby is born or after he's 18. Now, she's furious because we said it has to be after he is 18. When we found out our daughter was expecting we wanted to get together with him and his family for dinner out (neutral territory) and his mom refused (she claimed could not afford it and would not allow us to pay). We weren't looking for anything fancy, just not here or her house - we even offered the park so her younger child could play. Again, no. I don't want this woman to ruin my daughter's wedding, but she seems dead set on controlling things. What really bothers me is that I see so much of my MIL in her. Any tips to make it go as smoothly as possible for my daughter?

 
scout_mom

Asked by scout_mom at 2:21 PM on May. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Level 41 (125,190 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • First I will extend my sympathies with regards to a long term relationship with a control freak for both you and your daughter. Ugh. The single best advice I could give you to pass along to your daughter and use for yourself is to leave very little information to the MIL. Informing her of issues once they are decided and written in stone may be the only way you can get things done, unless of course she throws a fit or insists on not participating. Which is ok I presume.
    My SIL is a control freak, and we literally have to inform her of family issues after they are complete, otherwise she sees it as an opportunity to make things go her way. If there is any way to plan things with only the couple, please do and inform the MIL as late as possible so things cannot be changed.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 2:27 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • Stay neutral. This is something your DD is going to have to figure out, don't bad mouth the MIL it will come back to bite you.  You DD and her fiance are going to have to start making decisions on their own and not rely on the in-laws.

    RyansMom001

    Answer by RyansMom001 at 2:24 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • What does your dd think? Does she get along with her? Does she agree with you? If she agrees with you and doesnt want this woman controlling the wedding then why not plan an elopement for them or a destination wedding? My best friend had a similar problem, she cancelled her wedding, invited around 10 of us, and we all went to Nags Head and she got married on the beach. I think the whole cost was something like $1500 including the hotel, wedding, dinner they paid for all of us as a "reception", her dress which was simple and he wore something simple. That would pull the wool out from under her and still give your dd something beautiful for a wedding.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:28 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • Oh and congratulations on the new baby and upcoming wedding.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 2:33 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • Obviously she has issues. I think the best bet is to plan an escape lol.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 2:43 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • I take it all this "he said, she said," is on account of the ages of the kids? When I got married, I didn't bother asking anyone what they thought about the date I picked. It was MY wedding. I'm not sure there is anything you can do to make it go smoother for your daughter, other than telling her, it's her decision. I don't know as how that can happen, when it sounds to me like you are every bit in the middle of it as the prospective MIL.
    swizzleday

    Answer by swizzleday at 2:54 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • No, they wanted to get married before the baby, they are just doing it sooner now.
    scout_mom

    Comment by scout_mom (original poster) at 2:26 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • My daughter does agree with me, she doesn't want his mom controlling her wedding. She wants to have my dad marry her, her fiance's mom threw a fit because it wasn't her pastor (not her son's hers). She was offended because they didn't want use the same wedding colors she had in her last wedding (this was number 4 for her). She threw a fit when she found out they weren't naming the baby after her (they aren't naming the baby after anyone). She's been a less-than-ideal mom to my daughter's fiance, if he needs help he comes to us because she won't do anything for him. I think this was a ploy to get him married sooner and out of her house. It's a bad situation for everyone involved.

    scout_mom

    Comment by scout_mom (original poster) at 2:33 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • Well, swizzleday, I am in the middle of it - my daughter lives here and her boyfriend is here more hours of the day than he's at home and they will be renting the upstairs portion of our home when they are married. I want to be supportive of the kids without controlling and I think I have been, and I think the kids do to. I wait until they ask what I think about things to give my input and the only thing I have put my foot down about is when his mom tried to force a wedding when she wanted it so that they would not have time to put together what they wanted.
    scout_mom

    Comment by scout_mom (original poster) at 3:01 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • As far as the date...I would stick to the date they wanted for the ceremony, and then get the "paperwork" done at the courthouse after his birthday.

    As far as the MIL, I would be there for your daughter and be the "go between" if they need you to be. I have offered for some of my friends to be the "bearer of bad news" for their wedding plans...drop the bombs for them, and so on so they didn't have to deal with it during their wedding and preparation period.

    Eventually she will have to deal with the MIL on her own, but for now, I think being your daughter's advocate through at least the baby and wedding is important.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 3:10 PM on May. 19, 2011

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