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How do I deal with my unhelpful/depressed spouse?

My husband and I have 4 kids ages 7, 3, 2, and 1. He has been taking care of the kids full-time since I started working again a year and a half ago. He suffers from bouts of depression and about a couple weeks ago it seemed like it just got to be too much for him and a therapist and I arranged for a team of social workers to start doing home visits with our family a few times a week. After their first visit, THEY decided my husband was too depressed to adequately care for the kids. (He has been telling me he wants them to go to daycare as well.)
They told me that if I left the kids home with him that they would report me for neglect! WTH???? I was able to convince them that I know my husband and he would never let anything happen to our children, but the fact is that he told them he "couldn't take it anymore" only, I believe, to get out of have to take care of them every day. Now when it's time to get something done, he pulls an attitude and says "I'm sad and I don't know why" . I KNOW when he is depressed and I also know when he's just using it as an excuse to get out of responsibilities. The only thing he has contributed to our family (other then his sperm) is caring for the kids. He is unable to hold a job, he has tried several times. He cleans, but his version of "cleaning" is throwing everything in a bag together and throwing into our spare room (which would actually be a bedroom by now if it wasn't full of the crap he keeps filling it with). The past week I have been running around here, there, and everywhere trying to get daycare into place, with no help from him. He decided that he doesn't like the team who comes to see us because "all they do is talk and try to come up with 'plans'". He refuses to go to a day program to help with his depression, and the times he's been on medications he either takes too much, doesn't take it at all, or tries to get people to buy it.
Any time I'm home, even if I've called out of work because I've been vomiting all night, I have to take care of the kids because he "needs a break". I work full time and have a home business that I can't even do anything with because any "free" time I have is now filled up with appointments and trying to make sure HE is okay.
I am WORN OUT!!!! I don't know what to do for him, because he won't do anything for himself! Believe me that I understand depression, I was depressed for a large part of my adult life, but I can't even be upset or sad anymore, because he will keep asking me what's wrong and then packs his bag and says "I'll leave cause you don't love me". It's always all about him, and I am starting to hate him for it. I have 5 dependents now instead of the 4 that I should only have. When the kids end up going to daycare, he will be officially useless to the needs of our family and I am afraid I will resent him so much that we'll end up divorcing. I do love him, but I have been hanging on to memories of why I love him instead of daily instances of experiencing why I love him. WHAT DO I DO????

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:32 PM on May. 19, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (4)
  • Honestly, I would leave and let him deal with himself. I would take the kids and take care of them and not worry about a grown man that is overplaying a "sad" card.

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 10:36 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • I understand. My husband is depressed also. He is griveing from the diagnonse of Aspergers for our son. He expects so much from me. He doesn't talk to any of the docs and feels pressured to do it when I ask him. I work full time and try to take care of our three childeren. It isnt' easy. I'm very overwhelmed. I just want to shake him and say wake up! I wish I could have good advice but I know for me it sometimes help to know that I'm not alone and neither are you!

    Answer by rest at 10:38 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • Wow...things in your situation need a lot of prayer, patience and time. I know you love your husband. Things will get better for him and you. Right now you are both in a "valley" of life. Life is full of mountain top experiences and valleys as well.
    Continue to just be patient with him. Depression is a deep and complicated phsycological experience to go through. He did not get there over night and will not be healed over night either.
    Sounds like he is needing a lot of attention for some reason. Give it to him, but don't over do it.
    He must be willing to get better before much more can be done for him. Medication will also help if it's the right kind. Pursue your doctors until you find the right thing for him.
    Pray, pray and pray some more. No one understands more than God.
    Never give up and stick with your marriage vows-always. Marriage is not just something you can "get out of" when things get a little tough. Hugs..

    Answer by Ruthmom802 at 10:50 PM on May. 19, 2011

  • WOW.. i bet you are Worn Out from taking on the responsibility for you & your husband- Depression is Very Real & you can't just Snap Out of it but, you have to Fight It- & it doesn't sound like your husband is trying to do that at all- you & your kids deserve for him to do that- if he is not willing to see someone, take his meds. like he is suppose to & get well for his family then i think  it is time to let him do this alone- You & your kids deserve to feel Safe, Secure & Happy with your husband/daddy- Wishing you lots of luck..


    Answer by daisyb at 12:19 AM on May. 20, 2011

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