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Was I controlling?

My daughter is 22 now and we are closer than we ever were, it's great. One night when she came home on a break from school she said "mom, I'm really glad you were so controlling during my teen years. I was out of control and one of my friends who got pregnant in hs is not doing so well, she can't handle her life." I sortof too offense to this. I don't think I was controling. She had a serious boyfriend when she was a junior and I know they were having sex. I couldn't watch her all the time and I have had talks with her about safe sex but I didn't know if she was listening. I took her to take regular depo shots and I bought her condoms. I know it sounds like I encouraged it but it was the only thing I could do to make sure she didn't become a mom too early. She now says that my controlling paid off to her. She sees from her friends how hard it is to raise a child.

Do you think it's controlling to make your kid get birth control and make sure they use it regularly?

Would you do the same?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:11 PM on May. 20, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • That doesn't sound controling at all. It'd just your style of parenting. I will probably seem controling to my kids, because as long as they live under my roof they will not have sex. Though I hope they decide to wait 'till marrige...
    amberpatterson

    Answer by amberpatterson at 7:14 PM on May. 20, 2011

  • it's not a tall controlling and it's something gI plan to do for my DD when she's a teen...it's not giving them permission it's not being naive and knowing that they will have sex if they want to and it's better to not be a grand parent sooner then you should be then to be a fool and think because they don't have BC they wont have sex!

    happymama02

    Answer by happymama02 at 7:18 PM on May. 20, 2011

  • That isn't controlling. In fact, in my neck of the woods that is a pretty permissive parenting style.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 7:18 PM on May. 20, 2011

  • My daughter was on the pill at 14. She requested it because of her irregular menses. As her mother, I knew there may be more to it. We had another sex talk---one of many by that time. I also keep condoms under my sink for her in case it is necessary - not that I condone her having sex here there or anywhere --- and told her where they were and that they were for her to take if she wanted to. Of course she was disgusted that I would suggest it, but at least she knows. And she knows I am aware that she may be interested in having sex.
    However, even saying all this, teen pregnancy can still happen. But I would never forgive myself if I didn't thoroughly provide her with access to birth control and arm her with knowlege of other risks.
    coronado25

    Answer by coronado25 at 7:33 PM on May. 20, 2011

  • Nah...I think that is just a poor choice of words on her part. All it sounds like to me is that you paid attention to her life, where she was, and what she was doing.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 7:34 PM on May. 20, 2011

  • I dont think you were controlling at all. You showed her how to be responsible if she was going to have sex. That is called protecting your daughter. That makes you a great mom.
    myfamilymylife1

    Answer by myfamilymylife1 at 1:07 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I would ask her to describe what she thinks "controlling" means, lol, or to describe "how you were" from her perspective. Based on your description, it sounds like you were involved & proactive. She may be noticing the "involved" compared to "lack of involved" & calling your communication "controlling." She may have experienced your values/wishes for her as sort of "restraints" or obligations, especially if her thoughts about what YOU might have wanted for her ever influenced or curbed her decisions/behavior. But no, it doesn't sound "controlling" to me.

    In response to the pp, I think whether or not it was "permissive" involves how much you represented your own values & weighed in on things. If it was all info about "being safe" & never personal feedback about her decisions, then that is more permissive to me. But realizing that you can't control another person & granting them dignity plus feedback is not, to me, permissive.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 6:08 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I took both my daughters to the dr to get on the pill when they were involved with boys and old enough to most likely be having sex. The doctor thought I was remarkably enlightened and said she wished so much more parents would do what you and I did. You gave your child a great gift.
    blackisbetter

    Answer by blackisbetter at 6:19 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I wouldn't say that was controlling my mother sat me down when i had my first real boyfriend and told me if i wanted to be having sex there wasn't anything she could do about it (only telling me it wouldn't be under her roof) and if i made that decision then she only asked that i would come to her and she could take me to get birth control in my opinion you were being a good parent when you know your kids are having sex you can do two things disown them (many of my friends were kicked out of there homes for having sex) or you can make sure they are safe
    krissii

    Answer by krissii at 6:08 AM on May. 22, 2011

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