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Should an Adopted Child Contact Their Birth Mother or Father?

Should an Adopted Child Contact Their Birth Mother or Father?

Have Realistic Expectations
The question asked was, "What advice can you give to someone who is adopted and would like to find his or her biological mother or father? (including legal procedures)

As an adopted child I can only speak from my own experience. Unfortuately, I can't offer legal advise since I'm not an expert in that area.

First before you consider searching for your birth mother, birth father or biological family, it's very important to have realistic expectations. What are realistic expectations?

Your biological mother, father or family may or may not want to meet you and get to know you. Don't set yourself up for disappointment, if things turn out different than you hope.

If your birth mother or father are open to meeting you that's great. Keep in mind that your relationship with them could become very special but they will never be "your parents". That title and honor only goes to the people who raised you. No matter what type of realtionship you have with your adopted parents, they will always be your real Mom and Dad.

If your birth mother or father don't wish to meet you and have a relationship with you, let it go and move on with your life. (It's their loss!) Don't take it as a personal rejection as you have no idea what is going on in their life. What challenges they live with, how their family is or other personal issues. All you can do is respect their wishes and live every day of your life with out regrets.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:34 AM on May. 21, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (16)
  • i think thst something that has to wate till you an adult and really is upto that person if it something they got to do then they should however they should be told the real fact and know that the bio parents maynot be happy to see them or be what they want .

    Answer by feralkitten at 6:34 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I think you have no right to decide who other people call their parents.

    Answer by Piskie at 7:16 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • This all depends on the person and the family they are with. My half sister sought out her birth parents and found us and we have a great relationship with both her and her adoptive parents. It doesn't always happen this way though.

    Answer by aeneva at 8:46 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I'm pretty sure adopted people are capable of deciding how to define their own relationships. Their first parents might very well become Mom and Dad. Their adoptive parents might have been abusive so not deserving of any title or honor. You have no way of knowing that. Come to think of it, why don't the first parents deserve honor? They were soooo selfless and noble in the beginning but now they don't deserve the same honor? Interesting. Adopted Adult don't need anyone to tell them who their parents are. Its insulting to even try to do so.

    Answer by Aislin at 9:38 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • Every reunion is different. Nobody can tell another person how they will feel at reunion, nor how the natural parents will feel. There are adopted adults and natural parents who are not able to embrace reunion at the time, as well as those who embrace the a close relationship with their lost child/natural family. Just because a mother/father has not parented, they are still the mother and father ~ that's a simple biological fact.

    I think it is articles/statements like this that cause a lot of the difficulty in reunions, and scares many people off of what could well be the best thing that ever happened to them.

    Answer by susie703 at 10:42 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I was with you until you said, "they will never be your real parents." As others mentioned, it is up to each individual to define people in their lives, including their birth parents. Although you may not consider birth parents as "real" parents, many adoptees do consider us as real parents. I agree too that it is a mistake to tell adoptees how they should or should not feel. Some will feel comfortable with the reality of two sets of parents,

    Answer by Southernroots at 6:50 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • Firstly. I personally believe that birth parents have a responsibily to search for their adoptee children and offer them a choice of whether or not they want a reunion. But that has nothing to do with your question. Although I don't think your question is really a question but more of an opinion. I completely agree with you that adoptees should have no expectations and that anyone who promises an adoptee that they are sure their birth parents love them and are longing to hear from them are being irresponsible. There is an adoptee here on CM that was just cruelly rejected by her birth mother. It was very sad. If anyone who is interested in reunion and it's effects I have an Adoption Reunion group that's completely open for you to read and comment.


    Answer by onethentwins at 7:16 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • I would like to are talking about ADULT adoptees correct? No one needs to be labelled a child their whole life, yet it seems to happen an awful lot for those that are adopted.

    Answer by kclarsh at 9:00 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • "real" does not work for Every adoptee when describing degree of a true connection to our families.

    I am an adoptee too, and the parents you've claimed to be (only and real) does not fit me, or, the people who I grew up with.
    Blood or court paperwork- doesn't matter. As long as there is unconditional love going back and forth, *anyone* could be real to me.
    Unfortunately, real worked against me in my afamily, and not by my doing or choice.


    Answer by adopteeme at 5:36 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • I personally think you should meet them, i am 22 yrs old & at the age of 13 i found out i was adopted..I never knew my real mother & yes a part of me does want to meet her but i am also scared to open that worms,guess i dont want to be disappointed..But hopefully oneday i will work up the nerve to meet her!

    Answer by Chelhaidax at 3:07 PM on May. 22, 2011

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