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2 Bumps

How do you learn to truly trust again, without checkin up on him?

I have been with my husband for 10 yrs. We decided to separate due to our constant arguing, and we had issues from both our pasts we hadnt dealt wit. He started 'dating' other women almost right away, but never would leave me alone and never wanted a divorce. It has been crazy, like a mid life crisis, but because of it I learnded to be me again, not thie shell of me that I was. Our children have been hurt by this whole situation deeple, and there were things i couldn not share with them, just to assure them it didn have to do with them and wasnt there fault. thru it all he saw them 3 days a wk, and i knew he still loved me. I never did date or sleep with anyone else, I believe it to be wrong in my case and I wasnt interested.Before any of this happened God made promises to us about our future, and no matter how much I wanted to, cryin,rantin, and ravin, Thru it all God never let my hope for our future to go away. fast forward 9months, he tells me he wants me back, hes been thinkin it for a few months he just didnt think there was any chance. He has been runningfrom God, and I am the only woman hes ever loved, and will love no matter wat happens between us. I tole him any kind of chance would involve a lot of work paitence counseling, no sex (that's for me to see if he is secure enough to b on his own,) and he both agrees and repsects my decisions, and knows thats no gurantee. weird thing is I knew bout all the women cause he told me, not to b mean but it was like he was tryin to make me stop lovin him, because he was 'just a bad person', in his eyes. So how do I truly trust him without snoopn n his stuf or checkn up on him? I no it will take time, but I really cannot live with 'thinkin ' this or that. I have an vivid imagination, he is willn to b patient but at first he wanted me to move n with him after our girls school was out. i said no to that. I am scared of being hurt, i knew this would happen someday, it just took me by surprise. trust. big issue for us before because of my past hurts, not him, he was faithful to me when we together. So any advice ladies? Thank you.

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Godhealedme

Asked by Godhealedme at 6:22 AM on May. 21, 2011 in Relationships

Level 2 (7 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • You have been seperated 9 months? Either divorce or get back together. If you can't trust him. Stoptrying to stay married.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 6:30 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I think the counseling is going to help. It just takes time and patience. Checking up on your man isn't horrible. If something doesn't make sense you should question it, otherwise you'll be blind to what is really going on. If he has to lie or keep anything from you, thats his problem. If he's truly open and honest, a little checking up shouldn't bother him. Just don't be accusing when you check up on him.
    camiam81

    Answer by camiam81 at 6:34 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I hear you! What has gotten my attention here was that you've said that he started going out with other women (not a womAn). To me this seems a reason not to trust him. I don't know but for me there are two kinds of men when it comes to this issue. The ones that would make everything possible to fix the relationship and the ones that are so selfish that at the moment they feel something is wrong in the relationship they think that it gives them some excuse to go looking for something "better". Pure egocentrism I call it! Once a cheater.......
    I hope things get resolved.
    MMXI

    Answer by MMXI at 6:38 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I think counseling is worth a shot. Have things improved at all over the separation between the two of you?
    tspillane

    Answer by tspillane at 7:24 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • I dont know if you ever truely 100% will ever trust him again, but it does get easier. My husband went thru a mid life and thought the grass was greener on the other side. Three emotional affairs which I believe is harder to get over than if he had slept with them. The things I found on his found and computer that he said to them has stuck with me. I finally stop trying to fix us and told him shape up work on your marriage or I was leaving. He stayed we are good now, the past is the past but someones the trust issue creeps up and you wonder. I know he loves me but the unconditional trust we had when we got married I think once its broke its hard to get back. 99% but not 100%. You did the right thing by putting it in Gods hands. The less you try to fix your life and the more you let God handle it the better it will be. If it wasnt for for my faith I dont think I would have made it thru. best wishes
    desperateat48

    Answer by desperateat48 at 7:45 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • trust is 100%
    after break in trust, it takes a lot of time, and yes verifying actions, words are cheap after break in trust, actions are fact, and fact checking is a part of gaining trust again
    trust will never be 100% again, but with very hard work on both ends, it can get back to 99% - and a person can live with 99%

    good luck
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 8:24 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • Once trust has been broken it will never return 100%. You will always have doubts creeping in to what he is doing, where is he going, who is he spending time, who's number is this on his phone, is his fb friend a past lover.....the doubts and questions will never end. It's time to move on.

    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 8:31 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • trust him ...
    GlitteribonMom

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 10:56 AM on May. 21, 2011

  • Well to be fair, u guys were separated so he didn't really cheat on u unless u had an agreement that u wouldn't date while apart. So I don't think he will cheat on you.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 12:22 PM on May. 21, 2011

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