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3 Bumps

How much control should a 5 yo have?

I had an argument with my mother today about my dd who just turned 5 last week. DD has been trying to cut her own hair because her "cool" big brother got a haircut. Mother is trying to tell me, that not letting my 5 yo decide to have her hair cut off is abusive, and that dd needs to make all those decisions about her hair, or even about piercing her ears, herself. Mothers argument is that "she needs to develop her soul" and "she is learning that she is to be controlled and someone will abuse and control her later". I say that is more power than a 5 year old can handle and the only decision she is ready to make is what she wants to wear, eat, which movie she wants to watch, or which game she wants to play. Who is right?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:54 PM on May. 21, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (15)
  • idk but I asked the same question a couple weeks ago when my 6 yr old wanted a hair cut and my dh said no and was told he was too controlling for not allowing her to have it cut. I ended up cutting my dds hair but it was for me more than for her. Yes she did want it cut, but she got the cut I chose for her not the one she wanted which was too grown up imo. I think you do need to let her decide if she wants to cut her hair or not, but you decide what sort of cut she gets.

    Answer by gemgem at 3:57 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • Sounds like your mom is just being a meddling grandma. Your daughter is 5, which makes her a minor and still makes you responsible for her and gives you the right to make choices for her. When you were 5 did you get to "develop your soul" and make all your own choices or did your parents do what they knew was best for you? You might remind your mom of that. Good luck (c:

    Answer by scout_mom at 3:58 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • You are right. Sorry but mom is wrong on this one. I don't think 5-year olds should be making those kinds of decisions. I know mine sure as heck didn't. There are plenty of years to make grown-up decisions. She needs to learn first of all how to obey her mother's authority and to respect those decisions that you make on her behalf. Too much authority too soon as too dangerous to risk!

    Answer by NannyB. at 4:00 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • I think all kids should be allowed to explore having the haircut they want.............If it isn't something outrageous. It's fun and makes them feel good. Not a big deal to me. Now, piercing her ears is a different story. That would be allowed at a certain age. Just my thoughts...............

    Answer by whitepeppers at 4:01 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • lol if i bring up anything from my childhood i get called a liar and it never happened...;p one of the reasons we don't want to cut her hair is because my hubby is native american and we believe your hair is what connects you to your ancestors and god. the only reason my son got his beautiful long hair cut is because he has autism and severe sensory issues that made it impossible for us to help him wash his hair without a fight.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:07 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • I'd sit her down and look at cuts, let her think about it. And you get to see what she wants. If it's her decision she will probably take more of a interest in her appearance. Pride in her appearance would be a good thing, as well as learning to make decisiosns for herself. I don't think it's a big deal unless she wants something like color or a shaved head. If it's just a cut from mid back to shoulder, really not a big deal.

    Answer by camiam81 at 4:16 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • Well, after seeing your second posting I would say you need to explain this to her and actually have a "lesson" about your heritage so she understands. Talk about it often. And explain the best you can about the difficulty washing your son's hair.

    Answer by whitepeppers at 4:23 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • 5 year olds aren't allowed to cut their own hair. You are still in control!!

    Answer by meooma at 4:24 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • If it's a decision about her own body than yeah she does need to have a say. You wouldn't want someone telling you to cut or not to cut your hair would you? If it's her body she wants control over than let her have her say! Just becaue you gave birth to her does not mean you own her entire body. Don't let her cut her own hair, but offer to get it cut.

    Answer by Imogine at 4:26 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • If you give them to much freedom and responsibility at such a young age, they won't have anything to look forward to. Not only that, but while they are children, it is our responsibility as parents to help them make good decisions. So what is grandma going to say when little one says, "Oh, I think I want a tatoo"? ...Oh, flashback! That's my five year old! LOL!

    Answer by FairahsMommy at 5:11 PM on May. 21, 2011

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