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What more can I do? (long...sorry)

DH and I have almost been married 3 years. He was deployed for our second year of marriage. We have a 20 month old son, and I am 27 weeks pregnant with our second boy.

DH goes out about once a month. Him going out isnt an issue, he goes out with his friends to bars and that would be fine if he could be responsible. Last night he went out with a good friend of ours. I picked them up at 11 because DH had 24 hr duty today. In 5 hrs, DH drank enough to get to the point where he was passed out in the front seat of our car. I dropped his friend off at his house, and got DS (I was hanging out with his wife and child) and we went home after I stopped to get DH some food. DS was wide awake and I gave him a snack because he didnt eat much dinner (we're rarely out past his bedtime). DH was stumbling up the stairs in our garage, finally made it to the couch, and passed out eating his food. DS saw him like that....

I get DS to bed, then come and try to get DH to bed, but he is incoherent. He was black out drunk. I finally told him I would wake him up in the morning and went to sleep.

DS had night terrors at about 3, I had to pee at 5, and had to get DH up at 7. I got about 3 hrs of sleep total. I woke him up, and he didnt remember a thing.

Last night was mild. On nights when he goes out with his buddies and has a DD, he doesnt get home until 5-6am. I have tried talking with him about it, and every time he gets upset and tells me I dont want him to have fun. We're broke right now because some unforseen things came up with our vehicle and so we're trying to build our account back up.

DH has about 1000 dollars in cash saved in our room. Its his "motorcycle fund". DS needs summer clothes, I need new pants because I outgrew mine. He wont give me money for either, yet he can take money out and go drink?

I am tired. I am 1800 miles from family. I cant work because we have one vehicle and his work schedule sucks. So I'm not sure where to go. Any suggestions are welcome.... please dont bash.


Asked by Anonymous at 9:30 PM on May. 21, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Go to the chaplain. He's active duty. You have channels to go. What he is doing is isolating you, which he has no right to do. He is withholding money, which he has no right to do. He is abusing alcohol, and saving money for what? A motorcycle? But won't give you any money for clothing? Um, no. Go to the chaplain. Seek his/her advice. You can go to his chain of command. Go to ACS, call OneSource. Also, get in touch with a MFLAC councilor. That's what they are there for. Your hubby is having issues, and he is not resolving them with alcohol. He is not having fun, he is trying to drown out what ever the hell is eating at him, but it is not working. I promise you that. Monday, call the places I am telling you about.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:51 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • everytime he gets paid, since its military, i assume its twice a month.. then keep a bit back here and there, until you have enough saved up for a friend to take you to the airport and ou can go spend some time wtih your family and frinds.

    Answer by kgrine at 9:42 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • yikes
    he sounds pretty darn selfish and immature
    and on top of his actions you are pregnant

    what would happen if you told him to shape up or ship out?

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:36 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • nothing. I tried that a few months ago. I have no money to leave. No vehicle to leave. Nothing. and he knows that.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:37 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • we dont have ANYTHING left over right now. Thats the problem. we have 100.00 between checks or so because he gets dip and all sorts of stuff i've told him we cant afford. I was saving money, and had a little bit saved up, but had to get stuff for ds (he needed shoes and diapers) with it..........I hate feeling helpless.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:44 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • Do you know where he keeps the "motorcycle fund"? If so, just go get some of it for the essentials. It's your money too. Or, if you cable or something like that, go and cancel it. When he asks about it, tell him that if he would give up some his stuff (excessive drinking, dip, etc.) or give you some of the money to get stuff you need, then you would have had to cancel to have enough money to get stuff that you need. Sometimes, we have to do things that are going to piss them off to make them understand just how bad it is.

    Answer by kasey22 at 9:53 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • yeah, I am really considering taking money out of his "fund". I know where it is, I just dont want to fight. I've already cancelled our cable. :( we have internet only because he has to have it for work.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:54 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • Is there anyone at home that can wire you some cash to help out short-term? If so, go that route. Long-term, and I am not bashing, sounds like DH has a drinking problem that at times now, may be mild but is headed in the wrong direction. Anytime anything OUTSIDE the home takes precedence over what's INSIDE the home, there's a problem. Your husband is in the military - if he won't listen to you, he will listen to his first shirt or whatever his sergeant/commander is called. If DH won't take a look around him and see that: his wife is tired, she's pregnant, he is setting a bad example for DS; you/DS need things and you're afraid he will get mad if you use savings for needed things - and all he can say is you don't want him to have some fun? IMO I'd have a very serious sit down with him, and let him know if he doesn't shape up quick - you'll ship out. There are lots of military resources - use 'em. GL

    Answer by pocmom at 10:28 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • I am active duty and I agree with Raine. Call Onesource now. They are there 24/7. 1-800-342-9647. They will have a real person that you can talk to and they will help you get DH help. Sounds like he needs AA. During the day, if you run out of options, do not be afraid to call his Captain. That officer is there to help his soldiers, and that means you too.

    Good luck and message me if you want someone to talk to. We are stationed at Ft. Leonard Wood.

    Answer by Audrice1985 at 11:19 PM on May. 21, 2011

  • I'm sorry, it sounds like your dh is not ready to be a dh but still wants to be a bachelor. You can't let anything hold you back from leaving, if that's what you want to do. No excuses like "I can't" you have to say I can and I will;) Then do it!

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 11:35 PM on May. 21, 2011