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3 Bumps

How do I approach this?

My 30th birthday and 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up in a couple weeks. We are in a long distance relationship, he is military. We've seen each other at least 1 weekend a month for the past year. He will be here for the Memorial day weekend. A month ago he asked if I wanted him here for birthday/anniversary or me to go there. I chose him here just cause there's more to do here. He told me this week he can't leave that weekend and he has to work. I always try to handle these things well, it's not like he has any say and I don't want him to feel worse than he may already. But the thing is, I'm not sure he feels that bad about it. I don't remember him saying he was sorry, he may have but I was so crushed I don't remember. He hasn't offered up a way to make me feel better. Not even like, we will celebrate Memorial day weekend. It's a big freaking deal to me, he knows I was so excited about them both. I don't want to spend my birthday sitting at home on skype, I hate skype cause it makes me so sad. I know I can spend it with other people, but honestly it's not going to be the same. I think the most upsetting part is that all my ex's treated bdays and anniversaries like no biggie, they'd buy dinner and maybe a present that wasn't something I really wanted. I never expected much from them. This guy has been totally different and gone above and beyond every chance. So along with the disappointment that he won't be here, I'm disappointed in him because it's feeling like it's not such a big deal to him. I know I need to talk to him, but I want to make sure I say this so he can't instantly blame the military and me not understanding that part of his life. In the past, he instantly defends himself with that and it takes forever to get him to understand that's not what I'm really upset about.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:21 AM on May. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Why are you living separate? Is their a good reason you are not married?


    Answer by louise2 at 8:30 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • Sorry that you are feeling so disappointed. It's just part of adulthood. We don't always get what we want and we have to learn that most of those things in the overall scope of life aren't that important anyway. Talk to him about how you feel and then let it go.

    Answer by meooma at 8:46 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • He only has 4-6 months left in the military. I have a good job with great benefits and my DD's father is here. He does plan to move here after he's done and we do plan to get married next summer where he was raised(which is across the country from us both now). Plus we both rushed into marriage when we were younger, they both ended horribly. We want this to last and do things right this time.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:47 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • as someone who grew up in the military, my dad was unable to do many things with us, he often missed my birthday, but when he was round it was alot of fun, however, I think he may be hurting about it morethan you think becuase usualy, if they are eing things short, they too are upset about it, so I wouldnt look too much into it, Im sure he will make up for it when you see him next weekend :-)

    Answer by kgrine at 8:47 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • Ha that made alot of sense. lol if they are being short about things.. sorry :-)

    Answer by kgrine at 8:48 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • kgrine, that does make sense. He was very short about it when he told me. He isn't one to go on about his feelings.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:51 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • What about taking the initiative and planning another time to celebrate. Sometimes guys can be a little slow in this area. I know it must still be very disappointing though : (

    Answer by soontobestep198 at 9:28 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • But the thing is, I'm not sure he feels that bad about it

    Why should he feel bad over something that is out of his control? I'm sure he is bummed about it, but guys are never really as EXCITED about these things as women are & they also don't show emotion how we do. Don't take it so harshly...I'm sure he cares. Don't have so many expectations & you won't be upset. He is in the military, these things happen all the time.

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:41 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • I know about the military, and I totally get this isn't his fault. That's why I'm putting this conversation off because I don't want him to think that's what I;m upset about. He was very excited and wanted to make a big deal about both things. We had talked about this a lot and made big plans. It's not such a big deal he won't be here, we can always celebrate at a different time. He hasn't even offered that up though. I'm not going to make different plans for us, because one of my many favorite things about him has always been that he's very good at these sort of things. I could care less if he even told me his plan, I'd just like to hear him say we'll do something else or celebrate another time. I trust he'd take care of it, but now it feels like he won't be here so they aren't important..

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:00 AM on May. 22, 2011

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