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4 Bumps

How can i atone for adultery?

I cheated 4 years ago...we sorta knew but never talked it out, I was never fully honest because I was too afraid. I acted cowardly about it. I am ashamed of what I did. He finally has the full story and has my all out confession, I even put it on paper for him with a signature cause we almost divorced few months ago and he felt like legally I was going to get everything. The courts side with mothers, just how it is. So he has that paper which is legally binding with my signature and my confession from my own words. I told family members because they seen him being angry and upset with me so this way they don't think he is an angry ogre type of man, they know he had a reason and was hurt. He keeps saying I need to atone for what I did...I don't know how! Ive been a housewife/stay at home mom for years..I know how to do domestic stuff, I know how to do college, but with clueless. I thought being heartfelt, apologetic and validating his anger/pain was atonement, but Im wrong. I wore the scarlet letter so to say with the family that was witness to some of this.

What else can I do? I will do anything, I don't care how difficult or sacrificial. I just want to make this right, I'm scared I'm gonna lose my husband. One minute he is fine...the next he gets upset about something small and it blows up into "you fucked someone else! you didn't admit it for years! I'm offended you even say I love you! I dont care if your hurt, doesn't that seem wrong to you? You can cry for hours and I DON'T CARE!" One day it soundslike he does want a divorce and never wanted to take me back...the next he is calm and says "today was fun" gives me a kiss goodnight and the day was peaceful.

he said I had a second chance, but its been almost 2 months and I have not made this right yet and those feelings he had back then of givingme another chance are fading, he's not sure if I have a chance now. I don't know what else I can do other than being a good wife, showing him heart etc.

I need physical actions...actions..words mean nothing right now, cards mean nothing. I need something I can physically do, he is a man of action and proof. What can I do? and please don't say "he sounds like this or that, dont do anything just walk away etc" I won't walk out on him EVER, I won't leave him for anything. So your talking to a wall if your advice is around the lines of just let it go.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on May. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (29)
  • When he says you need to atone for what you did.....have you asked him what should you be doing since you have done everything you can to make up for your wrong?
    Why does he feel he should punish you for this?
    Would you both consider marriage counseling?

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 10:38 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • I think you're expecting too much after only two months. That said, I don't think it's fair for him to hold you hostange with the concept of "atonement" without defining what that actually means to him.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 10:40 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • he wont tell me he said he can think of a dozen things, but I need to have the initiative to do it on my own without him telling me what to do.

    I made an appt for marriage counseling this week, I don't know if he will go or not. Has not given me an answer yet. He feels I should be punished cause he felt so much pain. 2 months ago he was saying we should think about another child in the near he is saying that feeling is fading because since Ive been home I'm not doing anything? I don't know what else to do. I have been trying to find a job as well to help with the finances and change things up a little.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:42 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • Ask him what he wants you to do.

    Also no courts no longer always side with mothers. He would likely get custody if he could prove you were running around with other men and would be worried the kids might be exposed to that. I would start documenting what you can. It sounds to me like he might be playing games and ultimately will end up filing divorce. Start covering your butt now and document everything you can.

    Answer by gemgem at 10:43 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • i cheated once 4 years ago, he cannot get custody for that and he knows that. he just does not want me taking spousal support if it came to that. we almost came to that....but then he said no no, we can fix this , I want you home etc.


    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:45 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • Agree with gemgem about the custody issue. You writing it all down, signing it too may not look good in court especially with adultery.

    Even if you go alone to the marriage counseling for the first few visits, its best to go.

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 10:45 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • Honestly, it sounds like he's using this an excuse to be a jackass. I know he's hurt and what you did is wrong, but that's no excuse to treat each other like crap. Honestly... I would be the one threatening divorce in this case. YES you screwed up and you feel immensely guilty over it and are trying to do everything you can to make it right. YES he's angry and hurt. But that doesn't mean it's OK to scream and yell at you. Your adults with an adult problem that needs to be handled, if he doesn't start acting like a grown up I'd tell him that he's more than welcome to leave. I know it's scary... but that's just ridiculous. He's acting out like a child.

    Answer by miss_lisa at 10:47 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • I would burn that paper. In the event you do get divorced, it could hurt you in court, cover your butt

    Answer by JLS2388 at 10:49 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • Well, how about amputating one of your fingers with a circular saw? You could seal it into a block of acrylic resin for him, so whenever he brings up what you did, you can just give him the finger.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:51 AM on May. 22, 2011

  • It is imperative that you go to counseling.

    Aside from that, there is usually a very long trust-building period after an affair that is necessary for the relationship to heal. Usually, it entails you disclosing and divulging everything, answering all questions, keeping no private parts of your life. It also requires that you make no demands on how he should feel or how fast he "gets over it". Admitting and aologizing is just the beginning of the process. You need to treat him very nicely, keep no secrets, keep up with the cards and special things. This is the only way.

    If he is worth it to you, then keep up with the actions.

    Another child right now is not a good idea, you need to fix the relationship first. Don't fall into the, "everything will be okay if we can share the excitement of a new pregnancy together" - syndrome. It never turns out that way.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 10:58 AM on May. 22, 2011

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