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Parent intervention on fighting a nap???

I am a mommy to my 16 month old son. He always goes down for two naps a day; usually wakes up at 6am, naps 830 to 1030am and then goes back down and naps from 2-330pm and then down for the night at 830pm. This is a pretty solid schedule unless we are out for the day which is very rare. His father exchanges morning getting up with me so we both get some rest. So as usual my son will wake up around 6am but every single time his father has him in the morning i hear my son crying in the monitor because his father tries to put him to bed earlier than his nap time even when he isnt tired just because his father is tired. Once I have found him "napping" on the couch while my son was running around the house unattended. So the mornings i hear him crying, I immediately get up and go take him from the crib, which starts an argument between his father and I. He claims I try and tell him how to be a parent and to let him do things his own way. what do i do?

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momamay2010

Asked by momamay2010 at 1:22 PM on May. 22, 2011 in Toddlers (1-2)

Level 4 (38 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • I should say... he doesn't claim to be fighting my son down for a nap before he's ready because "his fathers tired" but he says that my son WAS ready and thats his judgenment.
    momamay2010

    Comment by momamay2010 (original poster) at 1:28 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • You just tell him you think he is too tired to take care of him so you will get up and thats that. Your sons safety is more important then what your husband thinks or feels at the moment. Just get up with your son yourself all the time. Before you know it itll be a moot point because those mid morning naps are going to be history.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:31 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • You two have to agree on how to raise you kids. Or you will always be fighting.
    If you do not like the way he takes care of your child. Get up every morning with your child. Then go back to bed when you child does.
    It will stop the fighting.
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 1:31 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • I think it's time to adjust to a once a day nap. It will take a week or two to readjust but I think it's time. Push the nap to around 11:00 or 11:30 am. Let him sleep as long as he wants then keep him up until 7:30pm. He will eventually sleep later in the morning & go to bed earlier in the evening. That's more time for you & DH to be together as well. We adjusted nap time accordingly about 3 times so far. My Son now naps at 2:30 - 4:30 in the afternoon every day & goes to bed at 9:00. He started that schedule at around 3 yrs old & is now 4. GL! PS, I wouldn't argue with DH, adjust the child's schedule to fit into yours. Everyone will be happier.

    ILovemyPaulie

    Answer by ILovemyPaulie at 1:46 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • i'm more in shock that a 16 month old is taking 2 naps a day....they normally stop that at around 8 months. i have 2 kids and work with infants. i agree with the pp, switch up the schedule, let him take a longer nap in the afternoon instead of 2. i get the kids to take a nap from 12:30- 3 (well with my kids i let them sleep till they wake up, as long as it's not after 5pm). my kids go down every night at 8. been doing it since roughly 8 months.

    as for your dh, let him be the father and make a judgment call. how would you feel if you had him behind your back trying to tell you what to do and not to do? you'd feel like you weren't a good enough parent. i too had to stop that, and sometimes still find myself getting in the middle of something. sometimes i catch myself in mid- act (ex- he's correcting them, i'll go to say something in the middle of him doing it, but i'll catch myself or realize it too late and apologize later
    armywife43

    Answer by armywife43 at 2:02 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • I would recommend following your son's cues around the nap issue, rather than just DECIDING to drop the nap, move the morning nap up, etc.
    Are you saying that on your partner's mornings, he tries to put your son down for his "nap" at 7 a.m. or 7:30 in hopes of snoozing some more, himself? I get that he claims your son is tired (may show some cues such as crankiness?), but if you're consistently waking up because of his crying in the crib over the monitor, I think you can reasonably point out that your toddler seems to be indicating that he's not ready to sleep yet. (I would not decide that he is fabricating or imagining the sleepy signals, or that he's just hoping the earlier nap will work out because he's tired himself--those are accusations or judgments & aren't observable facts.)
    I would try to "own the problem" or speak personally. The fact is, he is taking the "early shift" on those days so that YOU can get a bit more
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:40 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • (cont) sleep on alternate days, and vice versa. But on his mornings, you aren't able to sleep because of this pattern of an "early nap" that doesn't take. The point of the arrangement, ensuring extra rest & taking turns, is not happening. This is your problem: If he's crying & not ready to settle & nap, you are not really benefiting at all from the arrangement. So it is time to revisit things. If you put your problem & you needs (unmet needs) out there, then the issue on the table is your actual issue. It's not about making an airtight case about how he's wrong, but sharing your problem with the situation. And then you can collaborate & problem-solve. One possible response is to stop taking turns because it's not working out with the desired response. This might have some repercussions in terms of your partnership; if you are not all about how he is wrong/unfair, then he won't be caught up in defensiveness & is more able to
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 3:49 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • (cont) own whether or not he'd be "okay" with the morning shift always falling on you. Not that you're guilting or leveraging him, because that WOULD be sending messages about his wrongness (blame) & prodding him, in hopes that he would choose the "right" option. Equal dignity is about letting go of the impulse to control, and making requests authentically & recognizing that it's a request, so there's not one "right" answer. And then owning your feelings, not blaming someone else for them. (This is a big topic in my household & life these days! lol) Another option would be to find some way to be proactive..if he's too groggy on "his" mornings but he wants to keep the arrangement, perhaps it would help if he remembered to compensate by going to bed earlier those nights? And remembering just how much a toddler needs at this age might help him adjust however he's approaching the time with his son, if he is experiencing crankiness
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:00 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • (cont) that makes him conclude that he's ready to nap early. Exploring how they spend the time, what his assumptions & expectations are for that time, & you sharing information about how it generally pans out on "your" mornings could help, too. I think toddlers at that age can be fairly self-directed in their activities (i.e., you can get stuff done & you don't have to be playing constantly or exclusively "child-focused") but this also involves including them in your activities by being available & responsive. (They need lots of reflecting back, so in my experience it's pretty fluid.) Also, the nice balance of "flow" tends to happen when I am readily available to them up front, so the concept of "front-loading" by being available & giving attention (reading, etc.) early-on is very helpful. Resisting them by constantly attempting to disengage & do my own thing tends to breed more constant demands for attention, but meeting the
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 4:21 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • (cont) need by being available & just accepting it tends to dissolve the "demanding" dynamic by avoiding the "vicious cycle." The key thing is the acceptance: when I am resisting, they can sense it & it triggers counter-resistance in my toddlers (I have twins) because their fear is triggered.
    So being genuinely curious about how things are playing out for him, what his expectations (of your son & their time together) are, what those early morning hours look like for them, could help to identify what might lead to the behavior that he is interpreting as your son being "ready" for a nap. But again, if his energy is going into defending his own validity, this kind of convo is not going to happen.
    So I would recommend owning the problem & being careful within yourself not to think of this as a time to prepare a convincing & persuasive case, because he doesn't have to be wrong in order for your problem & feelings to be valid!! GL!!
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:42 PM on May. 23, 2011

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