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What would you do?

if your husband left the home for 2 weeks to stay with his mom, and claimed he was doing this to get himself cleaned up and break a drug addiction, then you allow him back into the home after 2 weeks have gone by of him swearing that he swore the drug off and even guilt-tripping you for questioning him about it, and manage to stumble across text messages in his phone that clearly show he hasn't stopped, how would you react?

he was using the drug for self-medication for his ptsd/depression. he's been telling me everyday for 2 weeks that he's doing this for "us" and so he can be a better person. he didn't want to quit here because he becomes aggressive without it, so he claimed he wanted to go through the withdrawl process away from our kids and me. his mom was suppose to be keeping a damn eye on him, yet clearly he either manipulated the shit out of her like he does everyone else or she was just too blind to see it. i mean i don't even know where he got the money? i cleaned our accounts out when he left just to be on the safe side, and put the money where he can't touch it. makes me wonder what the hell he's been up to these past 2 weeks? i am furious. i don't know if i should blow him out of the water now or wait til i catch him doing it. AHH!!!

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 8:31 PM on May. 22, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (16)
  • He needs to enter rehab or be kicked out. You cannot sit around and watch him kill himself.

    If he was using meth, crack, cocaine, heroin, prescirpition opiates, crank, Special K, angeldust . . . it is impossiblke for him to remain sober without a program that is minimum 30 days. He will go back to it. No fault of you, his mother, or his PTSD.

    I am sorry mama . . . you must be increbibly sad a stressed out.

    I hope he gets better soon.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 8:40 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • It would take longer than two weeks to get through that. Sounds like he needs to go into a rehabilitation center to kick his habit. I wouldn't let him back in your house until he really does get himself straightened out. You and your kids don't need that. Maybe he is getting money from his mother.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:10 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • The texts would be enough proof to me. And the mind games over you asking him about it screams guilty.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 8:36 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • Wow, I would be upset. I would sit and talk to him and see how serious he is about quitting. Put your foot down and tell him you will not continue to accept this, your children do not need to exposed to that.
    KayGia0704

    Answer by KayGia0704 at 8:40 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • I'd make him get real help or get out. He's not a doctor, it's abuse not self medication. His lying about it just proves that.
    camiam81

    Answer by camiam81 at 8:42 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • I would definitely confront him. Tell him exactly how I feel and that I will no longer put up with his drug addiction nor his lies. I'd tell him to prove to me that he wants to get and stay "clean" by seeking the help of a professional on his own and with me. If he refuses and becomes defensive, I'd ask him to leave again, but this time for good. This is how I would react, but I know it's easier said than done. You were smart in protecting yourself by cleaning out your bank accounts and putting money where he can't touch it. So it sounds to me like you are a strong woman. Don't let him put guilt trips on you. You have the right to question him since he is manipulative and self-centered. You owe it to yourself and your kids. Good luck!
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 8:43 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • Sorry to hear, The choice is truely not in your power. The best thing you can do is to be totally honest, supportive and be as rational as you can... Your husband can not do this alone. He needs to get to NA or AA and find the support of others who know what he is going through. You could find support and answers for yourself through an Alanon group. The problem he has is a lack of coping skills. It is not uncommon. He is past tripping and needs help to get to serenity in the present. I speak from a personal understanding of all of this. Do NOT give his addiction power over you !! Stay logical. Talk to him and if necessary, go with him to a meeting. He will only succeed if he is ready. Instead of being mad at him, try and find understanding that he is not healthy. I don't know what he has been through, but people need love when they deserve it the least. Good Luck
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 8:45 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • Something else to keep in mind . . .

    His dealer does not want him sober. Often dealers will give "loans" to addicts to get them started again. These loans can add up. If they are not paid, he could start receieving death threats. They will not stop until the loans are repaid. There is nothing you can do about that.

    It is very risky behavior, and, if your husband is engaging in that, you do not want you or your children around him. It is not safe, mama.

    You cannot believe what your husband says until he has been in recovery for a while.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 8:46 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • i appreciate all the advice so far, and let me clarify, it's marijuana that he's using. there are no real physical addictions to that, only mental, and his mental addiction was strong. this was his medicine to function with ptsd (rather than demand help from the VA) and without it he was aggressive, stressed easily, irritable. he even lied and said he was feeling some of the emotional withdrawal effects of it (insomnia, loss of appetite) but it was all lies! the only reason i am not totally flipping shit right now, is my dad was kind enough to pull strings and get him a good psychologist thru the va (my dad's retired va), and my husband admitted he had a wonderful session this past friday - almost an emotional breakthru. he didn't even know he had depression til friday. so some part of me is hoping he is serious about stopping and those texts were before his "epiphany" am i crazy for thinking that?
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 8:52 PM on May. 22, 2011

  • We are finding out that marijuana actually is physically addictive. It changes the seratonin and norepinephrine receptors, and, when the durg is stopped, it will cause anger, irritability, nausea, headaches. Some people actually need SSRI's to help them stabalize.
    ImaginationMama

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 8:58 PM on May. 22, 2011

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