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How do we tell MIL that if she keeps smoking she can not see the baby when it gets here?

We have done our research and me and my husband both agree that our child will not be around second hand smoke. There are way too many dangers to allow it. Problem is HIS mother smokes non stop. She said she would not smoke infront of the baby, but that is not the truth either since she still does it with his other two kids. I recently jumped all over her for allowing my stepdaughter to play in her smoke. The next is even if she is not smoking right infront of the baby the toxins are still all over her, her clothes, hair, etc. And research says they breathe out the toxins forhours after smoking. Out of her grandchildren she has smoked right infront of them all. One has asthma bad, and another ADHD(now linked to second hand smoke) and another had cronic ear infections. Whether or not we are telling her to either stop or don't touch the baby is not up for debate. The question is how do we tell her how we feel with out offending her too bad?

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SuzanneL09

Asked by SuzanneL09 at 9:26 AM on May. 23, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 10 (466 Credits)
Answers (25)
  • There is no way to not offend her in that situation.
    Octobersmom

    Answer by Octobersmom at 9:29 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • There is no way not to offend her. As a grandmother I would be pissed and probably say fine and not see the baby or help you.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 9:30 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • you can't. you'll offend her no matter how nice you say it , or how many 'reports' you cite to her. you can limit their time spent together, but to cut her off completely is downright devilish. i hope your dh has better sense..and you might want to think about letting him do the talking to her. she's not your mother, so its easy to write her off as a danger, and forget about ever having her in their lives. you married his mom, smoker or not, as well as him when you married.
    dullscissors

    Answer by dullscissors at 9:31 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • I would just tell her. Smokers are offensive and the more we tell them that they are the more guilty they will feel about it and hopefully quit.......Its the best thing for them to tell them. Tell her even if she goes outside she still has it on her. It is still coming out of her breath and pores...its on her clothes..and then show her what it does to little children. I can say this because I used to smoke. I would say it nicely but firmly. Just because she is older than you and your MIL you should be able to still tell her.

    OR You guys could just work really hard at avoiding her.
    Momforhealth

    Answer by Momforhealth at 9:32 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • That is so mean to try and tell someone they cannot see their grandchild because of a choice they make. For every report you have someone can find one that counters that. I am sure you don't live with her so it is not like you have to deal with it much. Your step kids are around it, but I guess to you that is alright? So you are already treating this child better than them? wow! I think you are incredibly selfish and like dullscissors I hope your dh has more sense. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:33 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • I agree with the other answers here, there is no way to not offend her in this situation, but I do think it needs to be addressed. I would also recommend your husband doing the talking because she is his mother, so she'll listen more. There is no way to have your children with her and to have her not smell of smoke. The only thing that could really be asked for is to not have her smoke in the same house the kids are in, meaning to go outside for a cigarette. Otherwise, have all meeting with her at your home and make that an absolute requirement, that smoking is done outside. We have smokers in the family and myself and my children have asthma and severe allergies. I used to smoke and still crave like crazy, but nothing is ever done in the house. Smoking members must have their smokes outside.
    techgirl3

    Answer by techgirl3 at 9:37 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • look there is no easy way to approach this. My mom is a smoker and we are not so I understand where you are coming from. However unless you are living with the woman doing what your talking about doing may end up being a huge mistake. You cant protect your baby from everything, not even second hand smoke. I found that we don't really see my mom that much as it is and she is not allowed to smoke around our kids. We had to compromise. I think the only thing you can do is accept the fact that she smokes, and compromise. Do you really want to damage the relationship between the kids and their grandmother and the relationship she has with your s/o over ciggarettes? There are toxins everywhere, in the air, the water, our food. Unless the woman is blowing smoke in your babies face on a regular occasion i doubt your child will end up with lung cancer. So I think the most you can expect is no smoking around the children
    jenniamigo

    Answer by jenniamigo at 9:37 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • Dh will be the one telling her. This is his decison not mine. He sees what it has done to his kids and nephews. AND my mother told my grandmother that if she wanted to be a part of my life she could not smoke... SHE PUT THEM DOWN AND NEVER TOUCHED THEM AGAIN. And now somehow I am a horrible person because I want to protect my child.
    SuzanneL09

    Comment by SuzanneL09 (original poster) at 9:38 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • @jenniamigo we have told her not to smoke around DH's two kids and she continues to do it and will have them playing in the smoke rings. I flipped out the last time I saw it and then really flipped when she went to telling me how she had a burn from grandma's ciggarrette. I went off infront of everone when no one else said anything about her playing in the smoke.
    SuzanneL09

    Comment by SuzanneL09 (original poster) at 9:41 AM on May. 23, 2011

  • i agree with jenniamigo........both my parents smoke and i would never think of cutting them off from seeing their grand kids......but we do compromise.......they never smoke in my house and when the kids are at their house they only smoke outside.....my children are 15,13,9 and they dont have any lung issues and my parents have been doing the smoking since before they where born......in somethings you have to pick your battles i say have DH talk to her because she is HIS mother and work out something else in regards to the smoking...

    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 9:44 AM on May. 23, 2011

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