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What to do?

My husband just got a new job. For the longest time he was in these little bullcrap jobs that never really stuck and didnt pay very well. But he just finished his trade school and has this great new job with great pay and benefits. Im a stay at home mom and college student, and lately he's been acting like i am nothing imortant. Or that i am easily replaced because he's worth a crap now because of his job. I have no money because i hate feeling dependent so i tell him its HIS money not mine so unless i absolutely NEED something i dont ask for any. But i just feel worthless, and useless because he's doing something good for himself, and i cant even buy our dd a xmas gift from just ME,its from him because its his money. But the question is do i deserve to be cast aside by him? Ive stuck by him through ALL the bad and the worse times when we struggled so hard. So i dont get to be around for the good times?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:28 AM on Dec. 8, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • 1. STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE DETERMINE YOUR WORTH.

    2. When you're married, all the money you and your husband make belongs to the ENTIRE FAMILY.
    You can't label everything "mine" and "yours"-- this is one of the biggest reasons so many marriages fail, second only to infidelity.

    3. If your man only values you when you're earning money, you SERIOUSLY need to reconsider your relationship with him..........
    It's one thing to go get a job because you could use the extra money, enjoy working outside the home, or just want to do something different with your life, it's ANOTHER THING to get a job because you feel worthless as a human being without one. IF you feel the need to get a job- don't do it for the WRONG REASONS.

    4. Repeat after me, 7000 times a day: I DESERVE THE WORLD. NOTHING LESS WILL DO.
    kimberleee382

    Answer by kimberleee382 at 1:01 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • it's both your money and your the smarter one in this marriage cause you get his money by not working for it. i'm sure that he would rather have you stay at home watching the kids then paying day care which would cost him more. stop thinking that it's his money when by law it's yours too. so go use the money to buy your dd a gift for x-mas. he is being stupid to act and treat you like that. i think your letting him though and he is riding that train for all it's worth. stand up for yourself and tell him hey it's not your money it's our money and no matter what you say that doesn't change the truth of the matter that it's our money.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 11:59 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • Girl, you two are married. It is BOTH your money. In a court of law, it is BOTH your money. You are the one knocking your own self down here. Stop it. Stop hurting yourself. You set the tone for how other people view and treat you and I can tell you you are setting a very sad tone. Why do you need to buy a gift just from you anyway?

    You guys are MARRIED, you're a team. I can't wrap my head around how it's still mine/his when you're married. You're both doing something for your family, yours doesn't pay in cash but it's part of what makes your family run. You both need to realize that and appreciate each other for what you do for your family.
    munch12502

    Answer by munch12502 at 10:54 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • Best of luck to you - but I am sorry I cannot relate.

    I have always worked and we have all piled all our (pitiful) money into one pot and called it a day.

    Either you are a team with your partner or not. Why would you put yourself down? Why would you not respect yourself enough? Why do you care who the Christmas gifts come from? Why do you have to "ask" for money in the first place? Who does your budget? Who takes care of the bills?

    Why not just make it simple and give each of you some "mad" money for the week that you can spend how you want?
    Wimsey

    Answer by Wimsey at 10:37 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • I'm a SAHM too, and I do understand some of what you're saying. The gift giving... it's your money too. You may not get a paycheck, but you work. Someone's doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, raising the kid/s and I'm guessing it's not your hubby. Some women "need" to earn money, and if that would make you feel like you're more important then by all means, do something to better yourself. No one can make you feel worthless if you don't allow it. If you have to, sit down, write down all that you do, and all of the good things about yourself. If you don't want to leave your child in daycare, find something to do out of the home so you can make some money.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 9:14 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • I have kinda of the same situation here. I stuck with my boyfriend during bad times,was there for him even helped financially.he got this new job about 6 months ago and now all that matters is his succes. At first i felt like you but then i said to myself i couldn't keep depending on him so i talked to some friends and having a 3 months old i couldn't go back to work so i found some babysitting duty lol. she's 4 and she stays with me while her parents are at work.i can now make a little money,be at home with my daughter and not depend on him.somehow it seems like i'm important again. I guess they feel more important because they're the ones providing.they don't what it's like to be a stay at home mom.it's a lot of work too.
    Ktsou

    Answer by Ktsou at 8:56 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • You have to get rid of the his and mine concept. Because you and he are a team, everything he makes is yours, too. If he really has the attitude you describe, it make take a little work on your part to achieve this, but it is doable. Christmas presents to your child should be from both of you, so if you need money and the only way you have of getting it is to ask, then tell him you need some cash. I am prone to wonder if part of the problem is that you are feeling a little inferior at this point. If so, there is no need for you to feel that way. Family is about "us" and when one achieves, we have all achieved. So enjoy your new-found status and don't allow yourself to be down.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:54 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • Stop selling yourself short. It IS your money. Stop calling it HIS money. You are a team. You are working just as hard as he is. You earn that money just like he does, by working hard to keep your household running. That entitles you to equal access to the household income, as far as I'm concerned. If start to act like you believe that and respect yourself, then maybe he'll follow suit and respect you, too. And even if he doesn't, at least you can hold your head high as you tell him where to stick it. And if he really is all that full of himself over his new trade school job that he now considers you lower class, then he is in desperate need of a reality check. it's great that he bettered himself and is no longer adrift from one crappy job to another, but that certainly doesn't make him royalty.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:52 AM on Dec. 8, 2008

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