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2 Bumps

How do I deal with my hubby? revenge or forgive?

I recently found my husband calling, texting, and emailing another woman from his college life. We've been married for 20 years, have two wonderful children. I've never had to deal with these sort of issues. We have had our troubles in the past but nothing like this. I am heart broken but I wish to work things out and I tried but it's not going well. I can't forget the things I read. It's very painful. I don't want him to think he got away with what he did for me forgiving him, part of me still can't trust him. should I contact the other woman? and let her know that she has made my life a living misery?

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:44 PM on May. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • Never revenge.....but I wouldn't consider contacting her as revenge.

    Answer by Shaken1976 at 1:46 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • She wont care so why bother? I am sure she knows he is married if she knew him in college. They have probably caught each other up on where life took them. I would just confront him.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:46 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • Your hubs made the choice to contact her and communicate with her. He's an adult and is responsible for the choices he makes. I'm sorry you are suffering this kind of pain and heartache. Whatever you decide I hope it brings you peace.

    Answer by meooma at 1:50 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • You have to 'forgive' ie: let it go...for YOUR sake not his. It is tormenting you and not affecting him. Losing trust is a difficult thing to get over in any relationship. If he is not trying to 'win' your trust again, it won't work. Just acting like it never happened will hurt you everyday. IF she knew he was married, she does not care what it did to your life. IF he lied and said he was not married, she will just feel bad and she had no idea he was married. Either way....does nothing for you. HE is the one you should be angry at. I suggest you get counceling as well as marriage counceling. Good luck!

    Answer by PsychicSherry at 1:50 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • You can forgive and still go easy on the trust, and let him know that........what was his explaination??

    Answer by Dahis at 1:50 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • I can only share my personal experience and how I chose to handle infidelity in my marriage many years ago.

    1) I chose to forgive. Therefore I made the chose to NOT seek any sort of revenge, or choose to make my husband's life miserable because of his actions. Since I chose to forgive, I chose to actively work towards rebuilding my marriage, not wallowing in misery and making things worse.
    2) I never contacted the other woman. She was irrelevant and meant nothing to me. She was not my problem my husband was. She deserved no attention from me. Her feelings mattered to me no more than mine did to her. My issues lay with my husband and our marriage, she was irrelevant in the big picture.
    3)Forgive, I did.. Forget, never will happen. Memories change over the years, change due to time/perspective/realizations/acceptance. However they never go away. One can forgive, but one never forgets. One does choose how they remember though.

    Answer by pixie_trix at 1:51 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • I would not confront her, as she knows he is married and she obviously could care less if she is causing problems in your marriage. I would talk to him and tell him that if he wants to stay married he has to #1- dump her and end all contact, #2- block her from FB, cell phone, email, usw. #3-- give me all his passwords and access to his cell/computer so I can make random checks - to make sure he is not contacting her. #4- marriage counseling. If he refuses to comply with any of it then I would call my lawyer to find out what my rights are and start the ball rolling for divorce, custody/child support (if the kids are under age). Then I would call that woman and tell her that she can have him! BUT she had better be working full time because she is going to have a jackass to support- as I plan to take him to the cleaners and all she will have is his bod-- or what is left of it after I rip him a new one!

    Answer by MizLee at 1:51 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • I would contact her but not be too ugly.. I would never tell her she made my life miserable. I would tell her that it was disrespectful to think talking to a married man like that was ok and pretty much leave it at that. I would wait until I was in a better mood to talk to my hubby and tell him that it hurt you to find this out and that you will not tolerate it again, if you are willing to forgive. I would tell him that if it happens again you will leave him.

    Answer by Queen0Hearts at 1:52 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • Oh, and if she were married as well I would make it a point to contact her husband..... and tell him what his wife is doing with my husband!

    Answer by MizLee at 1:52 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • see I never went that far because I didnt want to have to live my life checking my husbands email and phone, to me if I had to do that love was gone. Love=trust to me is why. I kicked him out instead and moved on with my life. I did forgive him in time, but I havent forgotten.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:54 PM on May. 23, 2011

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