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How do I not internalize his lack of a sex drive and mistake it for something being wrong with me? adult content

My SO works long, hard hours. While many women are accustomed to men who want sex all of the time, or look at porn, etc, my SO is the opposite. I have to seduce HIM!, and get HIM in the mood most of the time (which is only ever on the weekends, if I'm lucky). I know it's because of work b/c when he's on vacation there's no problem...but he also had quite the sex life in his 20's so it's almost like he "oversexed" himself (he's 32 now, I'm 24). When we have it, it's great, but there's soooo many nights I'm turned down and it gets frustrating.

Eventually I start to feel like maybe if I was hotter he'd want it more..which I know sounds silly and insecure, but it's tough. He knows how I feel too, we've talked about it- but he says he's fine with me pleasing myself when I want it, and I should get over the insecure part (he literally says it like that, not all reassuring or anything).

So guess this is more of a vent than question...but any advice on how I should deal with it? He doesn't get that I get tired of doing it with myself and I just wish he was the one seducing me sometimes...

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:20 PM on May. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • I don't know my husband is the same way and he is also 32.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:23 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • I had the same problem its time to talk about it and do so before you feel resentful. I would also realize his lack of sex drive has nothing to do you can lead a horse to water.. Talk now before ten years of life is wasted. Make an appointment to find out if its medical and if not its time to talk.

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:24 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • ok what is it with the age of 32/? my dh is the exact same age and it the same damn way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mine dh works long hours also..his suggestion to me was try going to bed earlier like 8:30-9 and then he would give it up a night owl..anywho I started going to bed earlier like he said and went from once on the weekends to like 2-3 times a week! Maybe it will work for you girls too.!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:27 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • anon- then how do you deal with it??

    pinkdragon- we HAVE talked about it, several times...he sees nothing wrong that he just doesn't have much of a sex drive, and he's said before that he feels bad sometimes- like he's depriving me, but obviously not enough to try harder. when you had the problem, how did you get over it?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:28 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • The two of you should talk with his doctor to make sure there's nothing medical involved here, first of all.

    He's already told you it's NOT YOU... take his word for it. Not all men are wired for lots of sex... some can take it or leave it, in fact. I'm married to the "leave it" kind.. even before he had his motorcycle accident, it just wasn't a big deal to him. And it did bother me at first. But I realized something: He has always shared what IS important to him with me. And we've built a life that I love. Would it be nice for sex to be a part of it? Sure. But I'd rather have HIM with or without it. I still get the romance, and daily (even hourly) affirmations of what our marriage means to him. And ya know? For me, that's what counts.

    Granted, I'm 23 years older than you. I have a different perspective. You can always tart yourself up and do the Dance of the Seven Veils for him. **grin**

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:28 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • Oh... and how I got over it? That motorcycle accident I mentioned? Near-death experiences make you realize what really matters!

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:29 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • haha i WISH that would work, we can never get to bed that early- i also work and am in school full time, so we're generally both up late doing work at home- then talk for a little bit before bed. the big difference is even after a 12hr day, i could easily go for sex-- him, not at all!

    btw what irony w/ the age 32? lol

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:29 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • gdiamante- that definitely makes sense, and i respect your answer (and i truthfully enjoy getting advice from older women with more wisdom). the only thing though, is that unlike you- i don't get those continual affirmations, and that would probably make it better/easier for me if i did. but i guess yea, when you guys go through something like that you really see what matters. glad to hear you're both going strong.

    and to the third anon- my SO says the EXACT same thing, it drives me nuts because the few times he does want it, i'm kinda expected to be ready- or he takes for granted that i will be, so all that seduction goes out the window

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:34 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • I would sit him down and tell him black and white how you feel and what you want

    Answer by rhanford at 4:34 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • My bf is only 26, and im 25, when I was pregnant with our son, he was hardly ever in the mood, and I was so horny! I thought it was because I was getting "fat" and he wasnt attracted to me anymore.. but he worked all the time and also suffered from cronic migraine, and never felt good. but it messed with me! and he also had quite the sex life b4 he met me.. i use to think, what did those girls have that i didnt, why was he so much more into sex back then.. but I realized that I was being selfish, and I love him and know he is happy, so what do i have to worry about. now that he changed jobs and has been feeling better, he is in the mood every night!

    Answer by sarahlu at 4:35 PM on May. 23, 2011

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